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Original poster

Would it be really awful of me to apply for another job?

18 replies

MakeCrisps · 28/07/2021 18:49

I've had a terrible year. DH had a big op for cancer, initially seemed to be recovering as hoped, but after 4 months we discovered the cancer had spread. 6 months later he was dead.

Through all this, my employers have been amazing. I was allowed to work very flexibly when he was first ill, which moved to be at home whenever you need to and then just come in when you really need to, then compassionate leave in his last weeks. I'm currently on a further month's compassionate leave following his death.

Due to go back shortly, which I'm OK about, but I hate the idea of everyone feeling sorry for me, I feel like a fresh start, where everyone doesn't know my history, is needed.

Additionally, I now have to support myself. I have a decent job, but previously finances were very much joint and I've now gone to one income and the costs of running the house are much the same. I have some savings etc, so I don't need to do anything urgently, but at some point I either need to earn more or drastically change my lifestyle.

A possible job has come up.

It feels wrong to leave when they've been so good and also, as I continue to "recover" a supportive employer is invaluable.

Go for this or wait a while?

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeCrisps · 28/07/2021 18:51

Also, I'm not getting any younger, so whilst the financial situation isn't urgent, the longer I leave it the harder it will get.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 28/07/2021 18:54

Go for it. Look after yourself. It's great that they've supported you just as any good organisation with decent human beings should but you don't owe them anything long term. Never attach yourself to an organisation at the expense of your own priorities.

Good luck with the new job!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 28/07/2021 18:54

P.S I'm so sorry to hear about your husband.

UnGoogled · 28/07/2021 18:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the stress you've gone through.

My thoughts are - you are right to consider the realities of your new situation. It's wonderful how flexible your employers have been, but they surely will be aware that your financial situation has changed as well. It won't necessarily be a surprise that you are forced to move elsewhere. Look after yourself.

ketchupman · 28/07/2021 18:58

Go for it, any reasonable employer would be supportive given your change in circumstances. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

BarbaraWoodlouse · 28/07/2021 18:59

I’m so sorry about your DH. Are you getting counseling? It might be a truism but my DM was advised not to make any big life decisions for the first year as you process the loss.

Only you will know mid this counts as “big”. Certainly I wouldn’t let emotions cloud your decision otherwise. Glad your work have been great but they are an employer not a friend and ultimately would make their decisions based on that .

Fireflygal · 28/07/2021 19:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.I think your current employers would fully understand and it's good to hear that they were kind.

Only caveat is that making big decisions after a loss might not be the best decision...however if finances dictate then go for it. Good luck for your future

girlmom21 · 28/07/2021 19:01

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
If there's an opportunity that suits you better then go for it. You know better than most of us right now that life is too short.

Original poster
MakeCrisps · 28/07/2021 19:09

The new job will undoubtedly be more difficult and more stressful. Even when I'm at work, I have it pretty good in the current role, don't have to work too hard for the money, very short commute, always home by 5pm although nothing to go home to anymore

I am wary of taking on too much atm, but OTOH busy is good...

OP posts:
JamieFrasersBigSwingingKilt · 28/07/2021 19:13

I'm sorry to hear your news.
I'd apply for the other role. You don't have to make a decision until they offer it to you in any case.

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 19:13

You must do what is right for you MakeCrisps, but don't rush into anything. There is great comfort in what you know.

I'm so sorry about your husband.

I wish you well.

user16395699 · 28/07/2021 19:20

I'm so sorry. That is a truly terrible year.

Whilst it's understandable to want a fresh start and your other concerns are valid, you have been through a very traumatic time and the usual advice is not to make any major changes for 12 months following a trauma.

Because 1) trauma creates a very strong desire to "run away" from your old life that can lead to poor decision making that causes more problems in the long run; and 2) it takes time to process trauma and taking on extra challenges on top of that can set you back.

Running away not just in the physical sense of abandoning your old job, but also trying to run from having to work through the emotions and face the changes in your life by overloading yourself so much you don't have time to think. The latter leading to burn out and grief/trauma that gets stuck instead of healing.

Based on everything you've said, my personal view is that this isn't the right time for what you propose. It does sound like a reaction to the trauma and I think you need to give yourself at least a year before reflecting on what changes you wish to make and what things you want to keep the same. I also don't think that taking on a more difficult and stressful job is what you need right now.

However, in a year or so if you still want to move roles once the need to run from the trauma has dissipated and you've had time to heal a bit (I know it won't all magically be ok a year from now), then don't feel guilty for moving roles.

middleeasternpromise · 28/07/2021 19:25

About the fresh start and people feeling sorry for you - email your manager and tell them to put out a general communication saying you are grateful for everyone's support but you really want to get back to work and would appreciate if people didn't ask or bring up your bereavement unless you instigate it. A colleague at work did this and it was a big relief all round - colleagues knew how she wanted things handled; no one felt awkward and it eased everyone's worry about saying the wrong thing or not showing appropriate concern.

About the new job - I would be cautious too, if you have been off dealing with such a major life loss, you have more adjustments to make going back into the workplace. Is this a one off opportunity that a job and your skill set match up or are there likely to be other step up opportunities over the coming year? You are best placed to know your circumstances and your needs - good luck with your decision.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/07/2021 19:27

So sorry to hear of the loss of your DH.
It sounds like this had been a really stressful year, and that as it is not even a month since died, you may not have fully felt the impact of his death yet. I think you may need supportive colleagues and employers when you go back to work, and I think that changing jobs is asking too much of yourself at a time when you may be enveloped by sudden waves of grief.
A friend of mine lost her Dh a few years go, and although she is a pretty tough cookie, she found it difficult to work ( in her fairly senior job) for many months. Her concentration was very variable, and there were days when she couldn't cope at all. All that is normal, but i can't imagine how you would deal with stresses of a new job when you have just come through a year of such turmoil.
You have't even returned to work yet, you don't know how this will affect your performance, or whether you will find the whole forced brightness just too much sometimes.
I'd suggest going back to work when you are ready and see how it goes. Don't make any long term decisions for a while. 6 months or a year is really not going to make much difference to your promotion/earning capacity, and I think it'll be better for you not to crash and burn. Whilst work will doubtless be a distraction, you need time to coddle yourself.

Stovetopespresso · 28/07/2021 19:31

ah that sounds really tough op, sorry to hear about the year you've had. one way could be to potentially have your cake and eat it: go for the interview for the experience, and if they offer it to you see how you feel? so long as you can stay strong and not feel pressured in to anything of course. just a suggestion...

YeDancer · 28/07/2021 22:14

I'm very sorry for your loss OP

I would echo PPs about not rushing into anything and not making any big decisions for the first 12 months.

I had a traumatic year last year although not bereavement related it was still traumatic. I had a number of options I could have taken, I went for the least stressful option and I'm glad I did. It was what I needed as I wasn't ready for anything else.

If you are worried about finances, have you looked into whether you'd be able to claim any benefits now that you are on one income? Did you have any life insurance or your husband's pension you may be entitled to? I think there's also a widow's benefit or something?

Sorry I'm not an expert on these things.

GoWalkabout · 28/07/2021 22:18

Move in the medium term, not the short term, opportunity will come again. Tell the manager that you would like some normality and to ask people not to treat you too differently. I'm sorry for your loss and its nice to hear that your employer supported you.

tenredthings · 29/07/2021 08:29

Sorry for your loss. Personally I'd keep the job I know with a caring employee and not too stressful. Downsize your outgoings and take time to adapt to your new circumstances.

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