Toxic work colleague

[Reflections2021]

Everyone around this person knows this person is a bully but won’t call it as that. One of the best parts of lockdown is not having to deal with the individual directly. Will be heading back to the office sometime soon, and please help me with a simple way to deal with such person, so that I don’t get drawn in to trying to reason with someone who can not be reasoned with.

Won’t give too much detail but accept that this individual won’t be removed from the Company, formal processes won’t deal with the issues relating to this person’s ways - I just need a coping mechanism or some pointers on how to stop the toxicity of this individual from having any bearing on me.

Would love to move jobs and working on it, but no luck so far.

You haven’t told us any details so it’s rather hard to help! I’d probably avoid them as much as possible.

@Howshouldibehave the individual is very negative, stuck in the last century pretending they get most things, but explains away everything as to why it’s a good idea but not for our actual business. Does not want anything to change in the work place, argumentative and aggressive to ensure that anything anyone tries to progress that they don’t like, even if it’s an obvious we need to do, it wears me down in having to deal with the person. Difficult to avoid them as they attend many of the meetings I go to.

Arrange an 'accident?

Do you actually work in the same office? Are they at the same level as you? Doesn't everything at the meeting go through the person in charge anyway? I would just try not to deal directly with them.

@HollowTalk yes we are the same level, both senior and decision makers. Anything significant gets discussed between us as part of a group. When they are off on leave the atmosphere improves so much. My team feels the same way about the individual but for them I try and keep it honest whilst being optimistic about the intent of their (the bullying individual’s) impact. Because of the nature of what we do as a team, we do have lots of interaction with the individual. Some days my team find it soul destroying but do their best knowing the situation and limitations of what will realistically be done about the situation - which is nothing.

Thinking of trying the grey rock method read that it can be applied to coworkers.

Colleague hasn’t changed!

I’ll guess I’ll just have to put up with it till one of us moves roles or leaves the Company.

Going to up my search in the coming weeks and months.

Have you ever called them on it?

I pussyfooted around one of my fellow MDs for years before one day deciding enough was enough and took them to lunch and was very, very clear and honest about the impact they where having - and my part in it.

Because I was also at fault. I had tended to blame the toxic relationship entirely on them. I started by being clear it was a huge problem, what I had tried to do, what I thought my part was and how if anything it was making it worse.

I asked for their views, their ideas and listened. Even though I didn't agree with all of it.

I then asked them what they thought we should do. Total honestly - I told them to their face what I thought of them and their behaviour.

Not a magic bullet but it cleared the air and from them on we were uneasy allies. I flexed, they flexed a bit and if they had been particularly annoying I could laughingly call them in it.

People like that are scared. Scared the world has moved on. And scared people get defensive and isolate.

Once he had me as an honest ally we actually made some progress.

Just a thought out get - if you are planning on leaving anyway, what's the worst that could happen?

I kind of think it's incumbent on us as senior management to take the bull by the horns - for the sake of our teams and the business as a whole.

Big girl pants. It's what we are paid for.

@Shannith thanks for your reply. Think your spot on. Yes I’ve called them on it in the past, and have probably let it ‘go’ for too long.

I’ve called them on it again very recently and talked about the impact it’s having. The drivers behind it couldn’t be more spot on. I’ve tried to talk about my role in it but don’t appear to get anything back on that front, but will keep trying to provide opportunities to do so.

Your right, it’s big pants on and zero tolerance and setting some boundaries.

Your reply is really helpful - definitely offers clarity and validates much of what I perceive, and others have mentioned, and what I’ll make an effort to focus on, and will definitely revisit it at those ‘uncomfortable’ moments. As you say I have nothing to lose.

Whilst the individual is generally aggressive in their demeanour, having frank open and honest conversations is not their strength and their selective memory is so bad, again they are known for it - it’s simply hard work. Will keep plugging away to try and improve things for myself and others.

What worked to some extent for me was also to name their fears to them and tell them their behaviour was reinforcing the impression that they were scared and out of their depth.

I also pulled them up all the time. Along the lines of straight after a meeting, could we have a chat how that went. I made sure I gave positive feedback too. I essentially removed the personalities from it, talked about behaviours and the impression they gave. I treated them as if they were a junior member of my team I was performance managing and slightly mentoring at the same time.

With selective memory though you might just need to be brutal. Give short direct feedback and shut up. No room for ambiguity.

It certainly made them less likely to be a total dick in my presence and to my team.

It took a lot of the stress out of it for me as I'm well used to managing people without letting emotions come too much into it.

I'm also a manipulative, passive aggressive bitch when needed so I turned it into a game/project in my head.

Your use of the word boundaries is correct. I made sure they a absolutely knew mine and the consequences if they overstepped them. The consequence was having g to deal with me pulling them up robustly.

It's basically the difference between being a middle manager and a senior one. You sound extremely capable - you might even come to enjoy it