Colleague doesn’t rate me / crying all the time in new job

[Cryingallthetime9]

Started a new job a few months ago, it’s a new area for me but I have some relevant experience. I have recently been working very long hours.

Was enjoying until a few weeks ago and only had positive things to say. Recently started working with colleague A who is quite senior and a mouthpiece to senior mgmt / very close and pally with them. The impression I get is you need A’s buy in to do well. I had done some small pieces of work for A before and feel like A thought these were sensible but started working properly with A (long hours / tight deadlines) which led to some silly mistakes. A says things like “I’m really trying not to get frustrated right now” to me when things go wrong or “this is so annoying what’s this” “this bit is bollocks isn’t it” and these things actually really get my back up. I end up making more silly mistakes as I feel so anxious and stressed, and the cycle continues.

I work closely with a couple of other colleagues and don’t think they have issues with my work, I feel like they’re conscious I’m still learning.

The issue is that there are a couple of others in the team broadly at my level albeit with more experience in this specific area and I know A really rates them. Could hear A talking about them on the phone and saying they could do a particular piece of work, I wasn’t mentioned, I felt like I wasn’t even considered.

I hold myself to really high standards and as it’s a small company I really want to be seen as doing as well as I can / competent / intelligent / whatever. I’ve been crying all the time after work as just feel so humiliated and like the weak link in my group. I am looking towards the future and feel like this perception of me will impact everything... how senior people see me, the kind of chances I get... just feel like clearly I am perceived by him as worse than the rest. I also really don’t feel like he “gets” me or has taken the time to understand me, conversely I have been trying to get involved with the team and get to know them

There are some other small red flags (A will call me by silly nicknames, call me late at night, contact me at all times of the day) and I’m not sure I want that life. I need some kind of break from work (either evenings or weekends) and I need to feel appreciated. I am highly educated and skilled and quite academic, really doubting myself at the moment though. I know there are things I do well, I know there are things I need more practise on but feel unsupported and like I’m picking up A’s stressed attitude all the time.

I don’t know what to do! I’m so sad it has come to this as you until recently I was loving so many things about the role but just can’t see a way forward or future in this environment. Yes I could work for A less but they are so influential I’m not sure that would make anything better. I also feel like once someone has decided who you are, that’s that and it can’t be changed. Very frustrated with myself too

A is a bully. No good can come of this - just get out as soon as you can, before your confidence is totally wrecked.

The strange this is A has been very complimentary to me at times (to motivate me I imagine as I’m not my work is excellent quality) and has apologised for being “difficult” - I genuinely don’t think A sets out to be a bully, I think we have a personality clash and I just don’t know how to resolve it

It all sounds extremely unprofessional and not an environment/company I would be happy to work in. No-one should have the "ear" of management regards how you work unless they are managing you or are your line manager. Personally for me I think this toxicity is unlikely to go away being that it is a small company and that kind of behaviour is often ingrained. I would just suck it up whilst looking for a new job.

I’m on the fence. You’ve been in the job a few months ans still making silly errors, it is frustrating. And it does colour your view of the persons ability, there a difference between ive never done this before, show me, and doing something and making silly mistakes.

On one side a is being intolerant but on the other it does seem that you’re still not performing to standard. It’s a vicious circle

If you don’t know how to do something ask. If you do then focus and do it correctly. Ensure it’s right. It’s the only way out of this.

Bluntness, yes I appreciate that but have been working 15 hour days with deadlines at short notice. Weekends too. Often I am given one piece of work after the other straight off the bat with no time to focus or breathe. I would say that the odd silly mistake is forgives me in these circumstances and hence why there is a review system in place. My (senior) colleagues do occasionally also make mistakes, presumably because they are tired and human.

My issue is how they are dealt with by A. I work closely with B and C too who have commented that my work is accurate and good quality, and also directly for some members of senior management who continue to bring me onto their work streams and utilise me - this suggests that the quality of my work can’t be universally seen as bad.

• forgiveable

No-one should have the "ear" of management regards how you work unless they are managing you or are your line manager

This is just not true, I’m a in this scenario and people are brought in to support me/work with me and I have to give feedback on their performance.

If you’re up against a deadline, you can baby sit people to a certain extent, but ultimately you need the work done and done correctly. Continual errors can be hugely frustrating ans time consuming.

The op needs to take personal responsibility. If she’s not able to do something she needs to speak up and say how do I do this. No one minds that. It’s good to ask. If she does know how to do it, she needs to take the time to check her work to ensure no errors.

She can then stop this cycle and feel good about her work.

Bluntness please can you read my later post?

Yes cross posted.

Op look you are making errors, you fully admit this. You feel they are forgivable, a finds them frustrating. A is not going to change their mind. So the only way to control it is for you to check your work and ensure no errors.

A spoke to me recently on the phone and was laying mousetraps while on the phone to me (I’m vegan) and telling me what they were going to do about their pest problem. I’m not squeamish but it’s things like that that make me feel a bit wtf. A also greets ppl in the team with expressions like oh hey fuckerrrr

You need to bite the bullet and talk to A. There's a lot of suppositions in your post, you 'think', you 'feel', you have 'the impression' - yet you know you have high standards and your work is admired by B & C.

Can you ask A to have a sit down and tell him what you've posted here? That you know you've made some mistakes but that you'd really appreciate a reset so that you can be an effective part of the team. Also a good time to say that you value your time outside of work and therefore won't be responding to late night calls or messages.

Overall sounds a bit toxic but what jumped out to me was ... why the 15 hour days?

it’s hard to do a role for that long and maintain quality. Is this the expectation (do they know?) or is there a way to be more efficient / focus on things that matter?

Why so overloaded? Can you say - no or move work around? Are you really compensated for that level of work?

Gosh so sorry to hear you're going through this. This person sounds very toxic and I would make a complaint to HR. Start making a not of everything that is happening with times etc. In the meantime, look for another job so you feel there are options. Their behavior is bullying and you don't have to put up with it. Furthermore, this won't be easy but I recommend building more assertiveness and stop trying to impress this person. They smell this and prey on that. Be confident, if they say anything inappropriate then call them out on it, right there and then. Please don't put up with it, confront it and put up professional boundaries that show them you won't tolerate bullying okay. All the best with this.

Pitterpatter and sarahlou and bluntness -

If I’m honest I first started feeling like on one occasion when there was a tight turnaround and I worked until the middle of the night to get something done. Following that there were a few issues after 15 hour days. I think these are all closely linked if I’m honest. The more time I have, I have confidence that my work is done to the highest standard I can do it to and take pride in it.

I then make more silly mistakes now I know how A perceives me (or rather have a suspicion as to how A perceives me...)

OK, so you perceive that A has a problem with you (or that you just don't get along with each other). If you decide that is a fact, that it's true, you will start to look for confirmation of this belief. So anything and everything A does will become a personal insult/put down/evidence and things will only go downhill from there.

If you face it head on now and find out the actual truth (which you will ONLY do by speaking to A directly and with an open mind) you can start to deal with the real issues - if there are any.

If you’ve only been there a couple of months to my mind you are still within the ramping up time -

It’s a good opportunity to setup time with various people you are working with to discuss what’s working well / what could be going better personally but also your reflections that you have on how things could be done differently overall (if you have prior experience also fine to point out improvements that can be made in the business or that you could lead)

Agree with the PP who mentioned confirmation bias - I also think we work with people not machines so it’s ok to talk to most normal people about working styles - if the person is a bully then remember you can’t change them you can only take the power you have and make a change - if that means working with others not them - that’s fine. Most people who are hard to work with are hard to work with for everyone -

I feel for you. She sounds like a bully!!!

If you have moved into a new industry it will be hard and you will naturally go through a process starting with thinking you can do this - you got the job! Then discovering it's harder than you think, you know nothing, why have they given you the job, you are shit at it - this is you at rock bottom - then you start to pick things up...light at the end of the tunnel you're getting this and you can do this!
Lots of resilience is needed. Of course you and the company might just be a poor fit - you have to decide what the problem is - maybe an honest chat with A might help clarify things for you.

I'd look for another job, sounds a toxic, unprofessional environment.

I’ve worked in environments like this, huge pressure and hours. But the nicknames, bullying and calling at any hours are red flags for me. A sounds like a bully, and I can’t see their attitude changing whilst you’re in this situation and your confidence is being eroded. You sound conscientious and need team mates who will support you, not bully you.

If you think you can improve the errors and work with them, or if this is a short term project with tight deadlines and things will change after then hang in there. But if you feel your confidence is being eroded further and you’re making more errors it can become like a vicious circle, and you’d want to get out before it destroys your confidence completely. Good luck I hope it works out!