How not to lose your relationship with DH?

[Wordwitch]

Hi there...
I've just gone back to work (DS 6 months) and while I'm doing 3 days a week now and can fit in all the house things, dentist etc in the other 2 days, come Xmas will be full time in new and v demanding role.

The way I see it is that it's our love and strength which keeps our family together and without it we are lost.

Have you any tips on how I can ensure that DH and I don't just become ships in the night?

Wordwitch - think very, very hard about what is important in your life for you to do, and what you can outsource without any loss of value.

I was just talking to my partner this morning, who was furious with his ex-wife who is, yet again, refusing to agree to a weekly routine for our stepsons. Her argument: she is too busy, and needs us to be flexible to meet her demands. But she also told my partner that her boyfriend has been complaining that if she isn't more available, that'll be it. And that is a large part of why my partner and she split in the first place - she was too busy for her family. But she's also crap at prioritising.

Set aside a time every week, even if it is only for a few hours to have dinner, chat, share a bottle of wine.....by doing so you know that even if you have both had hectic weeks then you can at least catch up at that time.

Anna888 - I have a dd from a previous marriage and it was agreed from the beginning what the arrangements would be. We share custody of our daughter and the arrangements have stayed the same for over 2 years. Occasionally they may change, ie sometimes my ex asks me to have dd on his weekend because he has a night out etc. I do this happily as of course it means that I get to see her!! On the whole though it works really well. It is important for my dd to know what is happening and this gives her stability. It's a pity that your partners ex can't see this because it is the children who should always come first. She really should not be concerning herself what her partner is saying to her - he (IMO) is basically asking her to choose between them and him and that is not fair. My partner would never do such a thing but then he would not have to as he understands that I am always going to be their for my dd. We now have a dd together and have to say that I was a bit worried about how my first dd would adjust. Did not have to worry as she adores her sister and is so good with her. She is going to be a great little friend and I just know that dd2 will love having her around. Of course I wish that I had dd1 with me all the time but I would never have done anything which would have had a negative impact on her relationship with her father.

This post was a bit off topic.....sorry!!

karen999 - my partner's access / the boys' routine is an ongoing saga that I have posted on extensively... .

Said ex-wife is seemingly unable to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her and that because she chooses to have a very busy life, other people are not duty bound to pick up her slack. I quite agree that it would be much better for the boys to have a fixed routine - as it would be better for my partner, me, our daughter. It's very hard to make any plans ever if you have to keep an open door just in case she needs childcare. But, as you say, this is slightly off topic (but a word of warning to the OP as to what can happen when women are too busy .

I am due back to work in January and am dreading it. It is only a part-time job and it always suited me fine because it worked well around dd1. However, after having just graduated I applied for a job in August...had the assessment centre for it in September, had the interview last week and will find out next week if I was successful. It is full-time (but flexi) and am still undecided...the thought of it excites me as I will be putting my degree to good use. The T&C are great as is the money. I think I will be disappointed if I am unsuccessful but I have told myself that if I get it then I will take it. Either way I have decided not to return to my old job....so may be completely unemployed very soon!! I am very lucky in that my mum is a CM and so feel totally at ease leaving dd with her.

Thanks Anna8888 I'm now reviewing with DH what we can outsource...it's a good idea and even the process of working it out together is I think helping to bring us closer as we are working at this together.
Does anyone else have examples of what they have done to make the best of returning to work and how they have protected relationship with DH?

To the OP: if you don't do this already, turn off the telly and eat dinner together. We only manage this once or twice a week, but it is such a fantastic opportunity to talk and connect properly as adults. Really recommend it.

yes, i agree. i work full time as does DH and we try to share as much as we can together.

while one of us is putting DD to bed, the other is preparing food, so that we can have a meal and a chat together before doing all the chorey stuff. we try and get all the housework done together and then have a cuppa and some easy TV time to unwind before going to bed!

good luck,

Hi all, this is my first message on mumsnet, so I'm not quite sure what all the abbreviations stand for - however I will assume. Both myself and DH work full time, are trying to start up individual businesses and have 2 DBs aged 4 and 7. Having spent most of last year getting home from work, putting the kids to bed, gulping down dinner off a tray and then rushing off to our individual laptops - we've had to reassess what is important to us and to write down some goals for improving the quality time we spend together as a couple and as a whole family.

So now, at least once a week - we get a babysitter/friendly neighbour to baby sit the DBs and go out for together for a meal etc. If we can't make it out, we put the DBs to bed, have dinner together, snuggle up and watch a film together etc. This has definitely improved things and we try to go out as a family every fortnight.

We have breakfast together every morning before waking DC, and mostly have dinner together as a whole family. Most importantly for us, we have a babysitter at least once a fortnight and go out together (not with friends) just for a drink or cheap meal. We go away together once a year for a weekend or so.

Also agree with the outsourcing - cleaner/easy meals/non-iron clothes, whatever you can do to simplify things without losing quality of life.

And DH and I text/phone each other during the day at work, and occassionally meet for lunch.

Good luck with the new role

And also I dont see friends at weekends, thats sacred "family time", if I want to meet friends, I do it after work in the week (should say I'm currently SAHM - I'm looking back to when I was fulltime)

It doesn't come naturally to me but organise, organise & prioritise!
Day to day stuff - shop with a list, plan meals a week in advance, batch make & feeze stuff for the days you work, ensure wrok clothes & lunches are made night b4.

Couple stuff - go to bed in the afternoons at weekends! Even if it's just to sleep.....
plan time together write it down and make it happen.
We didn't go out together for about 10 months after our ds2 was born but now plan a night out/off every month. Even if it's just to lounge at home.

I agree that meal times are really important. Switch the telly off, cook and eat together. Also get everything ready the night before - work clothes, packed lunches, bag for nursery/cm etc. The start of the day is a potential stress point with everyone needing to get up and out, so make sure you have a clear routine so it runs smoothly. Finally, don't worry too much. The fact that you'll both be working actually automatically gives you and DH something in common. I was a SAHM for a short while a number of years ago, and although I had more time, I think it was probably the phase where I felt LEAST close to my dp, as our lives were very different. He'd come home wanting to chill because he'd had a stimulating day, whereas I'd 'come alive' in the evening and expect to get my intellectual stimulation through him. Our relationship improved a lot more once I was working again, partly I'm sure because we both had interesting things to talk about.

Regular dates. Get away from the house and don't talk about the day to day stuff. We do this every other week and it's really helped our relationship. Being at home sometimes means we talk endlessly about laundry and packed lunches (and who's doing them!)

Well I wouldn't say I have this issue completely sorted but we're getting there; there is lots I agree with on this thread! If you can afford it, get a cleaner/ironing done, that sort of thing.

I totally agree with inthegutter that you need to prepare things in the evening. We do packed lunches, clear up the kitchen together (which is a really nice time to just chat actually) and I often make the next day's dinner and put it in the fridge if it's something easy like stew or shepherd's pie etc. We make sure that we have bags and ds' uniform and school stuff ready. And I am SO not that sort of person; but preparing the night before just enables the mornings to be so much less pressured which helps everyone.

DH and I have a list up in the kitchen to remind us (of course in reality to remind HIM) what needs actually doing every day....we both need to actually put the washing in the machine rather than walking past it, and oh, we could even take it out of the machine as well....etc etc. You both need to do fair shares, basically so make sure your expectations are made clear regarding that.

Also agree with eating meals together as a family if at all possible....

and keep weekends for family time, don't spread yourselves too thinly.

Also I agree with going out at least once a month but that's something I have never managed to organise. But I do think it's important.

We do babysitting swops with friends. We babysit one week, go out the next.

I think also clarify expectations. Your dp may expect you to take up more of the domestic stuff (and by that I don't just mean the cleaning/cooking/laundry, I mean all the 'admin' that comes with being part of a family - sorting out finances, buying birthday presents, doing the dr cleaning, taking kids to dentists and doctors, getting the hoover fixed) when you're at home for two days. Talk about it and work out between you what is possible. and how you'll share things out

IME most of the problems in relationships where young children are involved is related to the sheer drudgery of getting though the domestic stuff - and who is doing the most/little.