If you manage people

[AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying]

Have you ever been the most supportive & nice boss going to someone? Letting them have all the time off they need, praising all they do, recommending them for wage increases....

Only then have them moan a lot about stuff until they leave your organisation.

So then you make a lovely speech about how much you will miss them, but wish them well.

Then find they stab you in the back in their exit interview?!

I mean I just honestly would never behave that way. WTF is wrong with some people?

I just wouldn't ever behave like that.

Just because you are a nice manager doesn't mean you are a good one. Did they lie or is there truth to what they said?

I am more and more of the view that people like boundaries at work not friendly managers, even if they think they prefer the latter.

I'm my experience employees slide into complacency if you give them too much and it is downhill from there.

I think you are right @xksismybestletter

@Brunilde without revealing too much, it actually came across as a bit paranoid to be fair. saying they felt worried about this and worried about that. But this & that didn't ever happen.

I think I was probably too friendly.
I also think another employee who was a manipulative narcissistic nightmare had been telling them stuff that wasn't true. Really trying to stir things all the time. They didn't get along amazingly well but I am sure they tried to play everyone off against each other. I'm just disappointed they seem to have been taken in by it.

I felt like we got on well.
You can't help but like people you work with.
I think I need to be more distant probably.

Sorry if that's really waffly. Just feeling a bit put out.

I think you need better boundaries yourself, tbh. It's your job to manage them professionally and fairly. Supportively too, but within limits. It's not your job to be nice and make them like you. And people leave jobs. It's not personal. You should always expect that your team members will move on, in fact for a good manager it's a point of pride to develop people and move them on to their next opportunity.

I think after the year we have had during the lockdown, it's perfectly understandable for people to move on.

I am not taking that part personally. It was just the weird comments in the exit interview that I found quite disingenuous.

I can't really explain further on here.
This is probably the wrong place to discuss.

Without meaning to sound too harsh your main focus seems to be how how nice you were and how well you got on with them, but it is irrelevant. I would probably reflect on how effectively you are managing your team. If you are allowing someone to stir things up and not nipping it in the bud I would think you probably have some work to do. Try not to take it as a personal attack but do consider their points carefully and see if there are areas you can improve.

You’re not there to be their friend, you’re employed to manage them and that’s what they want from you, and it’s what they’ll respect.

I think it's a common error for people in charge to imagine friendship from their subordinates. If someone's livelihood depends on spending time with you, listening to you, and doing what you say, they are not your friend. They are not "family". (I know you didn't say that, but I've heard it from other people.). I've made that mistake myself in the past, assumed that people were laughing at my jokes and giving me attention because I was hilarious and likeable. And they won't necessarily say stuff to your face, either, not because of anything scary you've done, it's just the power differential. You can't erase it with niceness.

@Doona agreed.

Eh sorry, I think I spoke more about my own mistakes there than yours, OP!

@Brunilde I took the other person through a long winded disciplinary procedure. I didn't ignore their behaviour.

I'm suspect from what has been said by the leaver that this other person had made them feel quite distrustful of those senior to them.

I think i'm just fed up of managing people to be honest. I've been doing it for quite some time.

I would be careful not to overreact too though - I mean, you may have been right to praise them, give them time off, promote them. There may be problems with the organisation. They may be the kind of person who would moan about anyone and everything regardless. Don't give them too much power.

Did your management style actually cause any problems here? If not, why change it? Don't let them create connections in your mind - decide for yourself whether it's all connected.

And you can pat yourself on the back for caring about their well-being and advancement whether they appreciated it or not - there's nothing in your post that suggests you need boundaries or aren't managing well.

Sometimes the psychological aspects of people , is like an intricate puzzle.

@belleager you are right. I am giving it headspace. And there are some wider issues that are not within my power to change.

@Hawkins001 aren't they just?!
I'm loving working with our freelancers much more right now to be honest.

OP, it's shit when people are unappreciative of your attempts to be a good manager. Sometimes, management can be a really thankless task.

The thing that I have learnt as a manager is that you can't control how others respond to you. You can be the nicest, fairest, most effective manager ever, and some people will still take issue with what you do or how you do it. Often, it has more to do with where they're at in their own lives and careers than anything that you are actually doing.

Consequently, you cannot seek validation from those who you line manage. Don't worry about trying to make them like you, but focus instead on maintaining high ethical standards and making sure that you adhere to them. Be your own judge. As long as you know that you are acting fairly and decently towards your staff, as long as you know that you are treating people with respect and dignity, as long as you know that you're trying to do the right thing, then that's what counts.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to feedback. Of course, you need to listen to your team and take on board how they feel. But you cannot allow yourself to be swayed by the need for people to like you. You have to stick to your own moral compass. Usually, if you do this, people will respect you anyway, even if you don't give them everything that they might want.

Thanks @AlexaShutUp what you say is so true.

@AlexaShutUp

OP, it's shit when people are unappreciative of your attempts to be a good manager. Sometimes, management can be a really thankless task.

The thing that I have learnt as a manager is that you can't control how others respond to you. You can be the nicest, fairest, most effective manager ever, and some people will still take issue with what you do or how you do it. Often, it has more to do with where they're at in their own lives and careers than anything that you are actually doing.

Consequently, you cannot seek validation from those who you line manage. Don't worry about trying to make them like you, but focus instead on maintaining high ethical standards and making sure that you adhere to them. Be your own judge. As long as you know that you are acting fairly and decently towards your staff, as long as you know that you are treating people with respect and dignity, as long as you know that you're trying to do the right thing, then that's what counts.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to feedback. Of course, you need to listen to your team and take on board how they feel. But you cannot allow yourself to be swayed by the need for people to like you. You have to stick to your own moral compass. Usually, if you do this, people will respect you anyway, even if you don't give them everything that they might want.

Think this is brilliant advice on managing Alexa. It is often a thankless job and you'll never make everybody happy, so you just have to have an open mind, professional boundaries and know you've done the right thing.

Yes we have and the experience has changed us - we are trying to move past it but sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, you are always wrong.

I took on line managing someone at his request when his current line manager wanted rid on him, he had had his probation extended and was touch and go whether he'd be kept on. I helped him to keep his job, made a case to others for keeping him. Then about 2 months later he found another job and stabbed me (and everyone) in the back at his exit interview . It's made me a bit nervous of managing people like him (young graduate, male, well spoken and polite, quite hard to read) as I always wonder whether they're saying different things behind my back.

@Firefliess

I took on line managing someone at his request when his current line manager wanted rid on him, he had had his probation extended and was touch and go whether he'd be kept on. I helped him to keep his job, made a case to others for keeping him. Then about 2 months later he found another job and stabbed me (and everyone) in the back at his exit interview . It's made me a bit nervous of managing people like him (young graduate, male, well spoken and polite, quite hard to read) as I always wonder whether they're saying different things behind my back.

He'll be an interesting shit to follow though. What will become of him?

It sounds like you have a boundary problem with your employees. You have to keep that distance or they become complacent. Be friendly by all means, but don't cross the line and be a friend.

@MissCruellaDeVil

It sounds like you have a boundary problem with your employees. You have to keep that distance or they become complacent. Be friendly by all means, but don't cross the line and be a friend.

I think that’s harsh - care but don’t care too much? We are not machines!

I used to have a manager that was lovely. From my point of view - she was friendly, helped with sorting out hours and made sure I was paid etc. BUT - she never said no to anyone, resulting in me being screwed over by colleagues taking liberties. She would never bat for me in issues that needed addressing further up the line. She was lovely and friendly, I just had no trust in her as a team leader.