Leaving work to be a better mum.

[Hays1990]

Hello,

I feel embarrassed to write this but I really need some advice. (Please be kind )

I have two young children. 6 and 3.
I work in a school as a teaching assistant.

For a few years now, I have suffered with depression. (I won’t go into too much detail)
I haven’t changed anything about my life apart from taking tablets. I feel constantly swamped with work and children. My husband works late shifts so I’m always alone.

I am getting to a “what’s the point” stage.
I also suffer with chronic back pain.
So...I am pretty much miserable.

It’s taken me a long time to realise that something has got to give. I appreciate there are a lot of mums out there who work and get on just fine!

But I am just not one of them. I just want to leave my job. Take a year or so out to concentrate on being a mum, working on my mental health and just find some happiness.

The only thing is. I would need to claim some sort of benefits. (This is where I hope you don’t judge me) I know I should feel lucky that I have a job.
But if I go on like this, I feel like I’ll have a break down. I’m really struggling.

Do you think I’m being irresponsible?
Has anyone ever done this?
I have looked into universal credit as I really don’t have a clue. I would be entitled to some help but I don’t really know how to go about this.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Please don’t make me feel worse than I already do.
Thank you!

Can't say much towards how hard it will be (or not) but I do think you should do whatever you believe is best for you and your kids and fuck whatever anyone else thinks - who are they to you anyway?

Have you tried getting signed off from work to recover from your depression? That would be the first thing I would do to get your head clear again and then reevaluate after that.

My advice is to do whatever you need to do for the sake of your family and your mental health. Those are the two most important things. Nobody else's opinion matters, do what is right for you

My consideration would be if leaving work would isolate you more. Your children will still be in nursery and school, your partner will still be at work on lates. You would now be on your own and unless you joined clubs and met friends you'd possibly not speak to anyone during the day which can be just as bad as being really being with life and work.

I think there’s a fair bit to unpack here.

You’re clearly unhappy and motivated to change that which is fantastic.

I just wonder - why stop work? What do you plan to do with your time?

Things that jumped out at me were: can your DH find a job that doesn’t involve shifts so you feel less alone? To me they would be more of a long term solution.

The second is that does he need to do more around the house and with the kids to give you some time out to work on your MH.

Or do you need to buy in some help? Even if it’s just a baby sitter in the evenings so you can go to a class.

I agree that things need to change, I’m just not sure that resigning from your job is the best solution
I think you need to explore all options. Perhaps the way to start is to work out what things you need to do to work on your MH. Is it therapy, diet, exercise, social connections? Then work out the best way to achieve that.

If you do decide that time away from the work force is the best way then I would ask for unpaid leave or investigate being signed off so you have the option to go back.
Best wishes, it can be tough.
I hope things improve for you

Sorry to read you're having a hard time. Without a plan, just stopping work is risky. You may find all the issues within get louder as you'll be at home without a focus. I agree with the above. You are better off getting signed off sick, getting on a wait list with your local healthy minds and using therapy to work out what your next move should be. Your job may be the scapegoat at the moment.

As a TA you are either working with other people's children or at home with yours so no time to yourself. Is there any chance doing less hours so you have a day or 2 home alone a week to get your head straight? Nor sure leaving completely would work as the stress of money and knowing you would eventually have to find a new job might make things worse. Also, a lot of time alone might be lonely especially as you are already alone every evening. Is there another job you would prefer?

I really appreciate all your advice. Thank you so much. I actually love my job so it would be such a shame. If my husband changed his hours it would make the world of difference. So that might be something else we have to look into.
Sometimes there are just not enough hours in a day!
Thank you again.

You are right, there aren't enough hours in the day when you have small children! As previous posters have said, leaving your job may make you feel more isolated, and make your depression worse. If I was you I would firstly see my GP, get signed off work for a while to sort out your depression. This would also allow you to get a feel for what it would be like to stop working. Once you are feeling a bit better you will probably find it easier to make a decision as to what you want. I wouldn't give up work completely, I work 3 days and when dc were small it was what kept me sane! Maybe consider dropping your hours rather than stopping work.

Do you work in your DC school? I do and I find it really difficult mentally as I'm never able to fully switch off from them. When I worked in a different school it wasn't a problem. Could you move schools/ go part time?

I get really worried about telling work about depression or asking to be signed off.

Might be really silly but where mental health is such a huge issue at the moment and everyone is talking about it. I feel like it might seem I’m just using it as an excuse for time off? If that makes sense.

I worry too much about what everyone will think all the time. ( so my husband says)

I work In a different school to them. I don’t ever take them to school and you have to miss things sometimes when you can’t get time off.
Do you ever feel like you’re spending all your time with other peoples children and wish you could spend more time with your own?
I feel guilty all the time x

Agree something needs to change but it doesn't sound like not working would help if you love your job.

Being at home alone for long periods of time could be isolating and make your depression worse. It may be hard to get a routine started with enough things for you.

Agree with PP it may be worth exploring other optima first x x

Of course you should prioritise your mental and physical health and your family. Taking a year out of work sounds totally sensible.

But do prioritise getting help - CBT as well as medication for your depression, and physio and an exercise programme for your back.

Also prioritise rest and getting to know what you need to stay well long term - time with friends, time for yourself and your partner, with your kids etc.

Plan out the year so 6 months in you can start planning to return to work in the way that works for you.

I think structure is important, otherwise there is a bit of a danger your isolation could get worse.

Sorry - I just read your update re you loving your job. In which case - I would look at other solutions rather than quitting - eg reducing your hours, and your husband changing his.

But - the thoughts about getting some proper help hold good. Do go and badger your GP.

Would flexible working help, if you reduced your hours to four or three days?

One thing i wanted to interject with, check if you will actually be eligible for the benefits if you leave the job willingly. Sometimes they make you wait quite a long time if its through choice.

But i also hark what other PPs have said, about singing off sick first.

I hope you find the thing that works for you OP. You deserve a rest and happiness x

Honestly I think losing your job and the routine would probably make your depression worse. From experience.

I’d get some treatment and look into your husband changing his work pattern. It sounds like you don’t get any time to yourself at all which would make most people feel down.

If love your job I would look at other solutions.

I could have stayed home with the kids and the house would have been a wreck, no dinner on the table and kids not entirely happy as they didn’t get to do certain things they liked (craft etc). While I would have liked to spend the time with the kids, I had no interest whatsoever in any housework or kids crafts/sing alongs/ dancing etc and if staying home I just don’t see how this would have stopped a pigsty of a house. Then I would have been depressed because I was sitting day after day in a pig sty. Working meant I only had to face half of that general grind (shared with DH) and could outsource the really shitty jobs. I don’t think not working automatically translates to a household under control and good mental health.

Don’t feel guilty about working. Modelling working in a job you love is a great example to your kids.

Would hiring a cleaner be another option that might help you feel better about life.

Could you try some yoga at home via ytube? It’s good for stress
And yes Dh changing his hours would probably be incredibly helpful if that is possible

Thank you for your lovely comments and advice. It has made me feel better, I really appreciate it.
They all make perfect sense, I think I’ll look into other options to help how I feel, rather than giving up work.
I didn’t think how it would make me feel more isolated.
Thanks again x

I feel exactly like this (except I hate my job and I’m a single parent), so I’m pretty much stuck! Just so you’re aware re benefits if you quit your job you might not be entitled to claim. I’m not sure how that works with the depression side as to whether they make allowances. Maybe speak to work and see if there’s any changes they can make to help. Hope things improve soon for you x