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Resignation / Career break

10 replies

Lightbulbs · 04/05/2021 05:48

I've spent the long weekend discussing taking a career break with my husband.
For context, we have a 3 and 1 year old. My husband is a CEO and earns well. Once travel restrictions ease, he will be required to travel a lot more for work.
I am currently a teacher and work 3 days a week. I like contributing financially but in reality it's minimal after childcare goes out. I'm still however paying into my pension and returned to work thinking of the bigger picture and the long game/ keeping my career going.

Before I hand in my resignation, is there anything I should consider? A consequence or something I haven't thought about that will have an impact on us as a family.
We've discussed the obvious reduction of a second salary. I'm keen to hear from people who have different perspectives such as "I wish I had thought of xxx" before taking a career break.

OP posts:
userchange856 · 04/05/2021 10:34

Have you thought about getting your DH to pay into a private pension for you for the years youre not working?

maxelly · 04/05/2021 10:38

I think it comes down to good communication and support and understanding for one another really - I think it can be quite a change in relationship dynamic to go from both working to one being the 'breadwinner' and one the SAHP, and it can be hard on both parties. There's lots of threads on here about how hard it can be to be a SAHM - the boredom, the isolation etc, but I assume you have considered all that? I guess one thing you may not have thought about is the impact on your DH of becoming the sole breadwinner - MN kind of tends to imply it's a privilege and an easy ride to get to work full-time with the support of a SAHP, which of course it is to a large extent, but it can also be quite a lot of pressure - knowing the family is fully dependent on your income can make it hard if you are sick or feeling stressed (don't want to take time off or ask for help for fear of being sacked), you can feel anxious/guilty about taking time off work for school things or even to leave work on time so as to get home for bedtime or whatever (because if colleagues/your boss know your partner is a SAHP the expectation is they do 100% of child related things and your soul basically belongs to work). Plus it can really exacerbate existing dynamics where fathers (it's usually fathers) feel a bit shut out of young children's lives because they aren't the primary carer/aren't there most of the time, and then when they are 'in charge' they feel less confident and tend to defer to mum (mum can sometimes tend to hover/not trust the father fully), and so a vicious circle starts up. I think things have changed loads in the last year and it's going to be a difficult transition for him going from being at home mainly to travelling lots, you and he probably need to give some thought to how he can avoid being an absent father and how you are going to get a break - I can def see it becoming a routine where he's away all week that he just wants to flob out and relax when he gets home, meanwhile you've been lonely and frazzled alone with kids all week and are desperate for a break and some family time - I think time needs to be carved out somehow for (a) family time (b) individual relaxation and 'hobby' time (should be equal for you both) and (c) couple time without the children...

Also, boring stuff, but have you sorted out who is going to do what housework? It's a personal thing, some think the SAHP should do absolutely everything, some think their 'job' is purely to look after the children and housework should be divided 50:50 or even the breadwinner should do more, but my own view is all other things equal that the SAHP should be able to do the majority of the 'heavy lifting' housework such as laundry etc but that doesn't mean the working parent gets to act like a slob and not lift a finger around the house, they should do their fair share in the evenings/weekends like load/empty dishwasher, stick on a load of laundry or hang it up, cook a meal, do some gardening or DIY tasks at weekends - and these things should not be viewed as 'helping out' the SAHP but just being an equal partner in the home they live in! But it's quite personal and needs a good discussion really. If you can afford some help like a cleaner, gardener, meal service maybe that can be a massive help and also mean that weekends can really be prioritized for fun/family/relaxation rather than having to be spent catching up with household chores which can lead to a lot of resentment on both sides (I can say from bitter experience!).

Also have you had a thorough conversation about money which I think is super-important where one partner is becoming a SAHP - I know you've discussed whether you can cope on one salary but I mean more things like how will money be pooled, how will you access 'family money' and savings (can be easy to slip into a dynamic where the money-earning partner controls everything and dishes out 'housekeeping' or pocket money to a SAHP - I prefer a joint account based system in this scenario). Also have you reviewed/set a 'family' budget - things like money for days out/activities with the kids, lunches and snacks while out and about? Perversely you can find that when one partner goes SAHP your child related expenses can increase, because the SAHP naturally wants to do lots of fun, stimulating activities with the kids and get out and about to meet up with friends etc to make sure they aren't stuck at home all day but the expense can add up and again if it isn't discussed/agreed it can lead to one or both parties feeling resentful or confused...

dobidobidooo · 04/05/2021 10:40

Why do you have to resign? Can you not take a career break. My sister is a teacher here In Ireland and they can take up to 5 years career break and still keep their job to return to? Is that not an option in the U.K.?

Rainallnight · 04/05/2021 11:35

I’m on a sort of accidental career break because of Covid and various other reasons. While me taking time out to focus on family has been right for us, I’ve really hated what s done to my and DP’s dynamic. I basically feel like the maid. And my DP is a nice woman, but is under a lot of pressure at work, so this is the dynamic that’s set in.

Sunflowers095 · 04/05/2021 16:30

Have you considered:

  • long term earning potential (your children won't need childcare forever)
  • the impact on your private & state pension since you won't have NI contributions or employer pension contributions
  • what would happen if you split up
Iamthewombat · 04/05/2021 16:43

You haven’t said why you want to take a break. You allude to the fact that childcare costs eat up most of your earnings, but so what? You’re a family and childcare costs are a joint responsibility.

Why do you want to take time out of the workplace? If the answer is, “because I don’t like teaching very much” and “I don’t really want to go back to work ever”, then you need to plan what to do instead.

Also, I don’t get why you’d take yourself out of the job market and surrender your independence. Marriages can, and do, break up so it is important to keep your hand in.

Ohdeariedear · 04/05/2021 16:59

Maxelly’s post is a good one. If you are going to take time out, make sure you discuss in detail and are both on the same page about everything to do with finances/household admin/childcare etc. If you don’t then that is where resentment builds up on both sides and causes problems.

I’ve been a SAHM mum for a few years now and I do suspect I’m slightly fucked career wise, but I’ll just start again and see what happens. I expect you’d be in a slightly better position if you wanted to return at some point as you have a proper profession.

londongram · 04/05/2021 21:10

I took 14 years off - things I regretted - not sorting my pension out but it's fine - it's being loaded up nicely now, all my income goes to it - don't do the same.
Dh is a high earner, often away during the week, doing the work that he enjoys - he'll be working till his 80's - not feeling the weight of family responsibilities. I didn't enjoy my first career much so I wasn't sad to give it up - I had loads of hobbies, friends kept myself busy enough, was always there for the kids, we had sufficient income and really enjoyed lovely relaxing weekends together without chores and cleaning, with the kids it was lovely and I don't regret doing it at all.

I re-joined the working world, raring to go this time in a different role - when many of my friends who have been working for years just want to rest, go part time and give it up - especially after Covid. I see my kids going to Uni next year - I have filled in the space before the empty nest syndrome kicks in and I'm enjoying every bit of it.
Every relationship is different I never felt I couldn't work, that money was a limiting factor, we could afford a cleaner but I didn't want one - still don't, I wanted to be home when my kids were home - it was important to me and I was able to make that choice and enjoy it too.

autumnalrain · 04/05/2021 23:13

I wouldn’t quit , think long term not short term

peaches19 · 05/05/2021 07:31

No tips because I'm in a very similar position (although not a teacher), but following this thread with interest. I don't think I'll want to go back to my profession in the future, I'd like a complete career change. So it seems like a good time to take some time out with the kids while they're so young. Some really helpful insight above. Do you think you'll go back to teaching? Also will you need to pick up childcare again when you go back to work, or will you be off until the youngest starts school?

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