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Anyone gone back to work after kids then decided to pack it in as it wasnt worth all the stress?

16 replies

Katie74 · 02/11/2004 12:31

I have'nt posted here much before but am really at my wits end I only work 3 days a week as an HR mgr for an investment Bank in the City but have a long commute and my ds (18mnth) does a really lonmg day at nursery. I just feel very stretched not being able to do a proper day at work ( I can only do 9-5)and my clients feeling that I/m not pulling my weight and then at home feeling guilty about the hrs that ds is in nursery. DH works v long hrs and is often away travelling so during the week I have total responsibility for ds. I am seriously thinking about jacking it all in and becoming a SAHM hoping that I will get life back in shape - but I would be really interested in other peoples expereinces....as I don't know whether I am just giving in or whether as my mum says - Life is hard and you just have to go with it......

OP posts:
Northerner · 02/11/2004 12:35

Katie if it causing you lots of stress and you can afford to not work, then why not jack it in and see if the grass really is greener on the other side?

I also work 3 days a week, and as the only part timer in our office I have to hand over work when I leave on a Thursday, and they are always asking me to come in on extra days so I know what you mean about the guilt. I never thought I would say it but I would love to be a SAHM for a while.

Marina · 02/11/2004 12:40

If you can afford to, then pack it in, Katie. It is NOT giving in, just taking a realistic view of what is best for YOU as well as your ds. He is probably a lot happier at the nursery (if it's a good one) than you are about leaving him, if that is any help in your current situation. I have a short commute into the City and that's bad enough, so you have my sympathies.
HR is highly transferrable stuff, how about investigating any p/t or consultancy type posts nearer to where you live? Or keep that in mind if you find full-time SAHM work is not ultimately what you want?
I would certainly give up paid office-based work if I didn't need the money so badly. And my profession is lower-stress than yours I suspect.

Skate · 02/11/2004 12:42

Katie74 - Yes, I went back to work after ds1 but just couldn't do it. It was a fairly pressurised job where it was very unusual for people to leave the office at 5.30 but I HAD to in order to pick up ds1 from nursery so always felt a bit guilty about that. The job also involved travelling and I just couldn't do it -didn't want to be away from ds1 over night etc. Didn't want to feel guilty about taking time off if he was ill....Didn't want to spend weekends dragging him round Sainsburys cos no time in week to do it. etc etc.

Also hated leaving him in nursery - hated it, just not for me.

In the end, I left and did what was best for all of us. It works out much better and the house is calm (well, not now as we've got 3 ds's!!). I do work freelance for the company I left so still keep my hand in but if I couldn't have done that I'd still have left and either not worked at all or got a simple evening/Sat job in M&S.

Your Mum is right that life is hard but dont' kid yourself that being a SAHM will be easy!!! Especially if you go on and have more kids! I love it though even though I had a great career before and I was quite successfully moving up the ladder.

motherinferior · 02/11/2004 12:43

Life's hard, but there's no need to make it harder. You poor love. I second Marina's part-time/consultancy idea - you're sooo employable, you don't have to stick with this.

I would hate to work in an office, with the childcare stress - I work from home four days (kids in childcare not very far away) and I love it.

lydialemon · 02/11/2004 12:44

Hi Katie,

I didn't but my BF did. She worked for a large bank and went back full time after her DD was born (she had an older Ds as well who was at school) She found it so stressful having to drop everything to get to the Nursery for 6 and then pick Ds up. DD wouldn't settle and kept picking up bugs, DS hated the childminders kids, BF kept having to take time off sick for DD and for herself. In the end she packed it all in and started childminding, and although it isn't perfect (solved a lot of problems, but of course created others) it is a lot better than her life before. It helps that she is an amazing CM!

Its not what she plans to do forever, once her DS2 and her minded kids go into reception then thats it - she's going to look for other work out of the house.

HTH

Mommy2Ro · 02/11/2004 12:45

Delighted to see a conversation about this. Just saw a great nursery this am with DH, but we're still not sure what to do. I don't have job to go back to and not sure I want to leave 12 mo old.

Not exactly sure how DH feels about it as he says I should just join the gym instead and us that as my "time off" from baby (they have nice creche there).

Feeling torn...

bonniej · 02/11/2004 12:46

I went back to work 3 days a week after maternity leave when dd was 6 months old. Tried for a while but really felt it wasn't for me and jacked it all in gladly. I have found it hard being a SAHM at times but on the whole am more relaxed and happy. There's nothing better than waking up on a cold rainy Monday morning and not having to go to work!

Mommy2Ro · 02/11/2004 12:47

Cold rainy monday morning alone with a fussy baby (she is always fussy on mondays... must get it from me)... now that is what I find hard.

Skate · 02/11/2004 12:49

Bonniej - ditto, ditto, ditto!!!

Katie74 · 02/11/2004 12:51

Thanks for all your comments - its funny that things have just got worse and worse.We've had a difficult year since I went back last Nov as DH got made redundant in Dec 03 and did not get another job till this one in Aug - so firstly I had him around to do the whole pick up /drop off thing and also if ds was ill - but now everything is me...and last week for the 1st time one of my clients had a pop about me not being available..However I do worry about going mad at home and losing some of my independence (financailly - not that theres a huge amount left after 3grand season ticket and nursery) Also out mat leave here is fantastic so I do think it might be worth sticking it out until no2 - but then again I feel to stressed for sex never mind thinking about No2 so its a vicious circle...Moan Moans moan - apologies finding it difficult to see the light!

OP posts:
prufrock · 02/11/2004 13:01

I went back to a city job full time after dd was born, and loved it. But when she got to a year and was getting more interesting I started to really resent everything - her because she meant I couldn't give my job (which I really enjoyed) 100%, and my job because it kept me from her. And dh for earning too much for it to be reasonable for us both to go part time . So I got pregnant again! I'm still on maternity leave with ds, but will not be going back - it's just too stressful. I may be getting a part-time job nearer home (if it's financially worthwhile) but feel so much happier without the stress of a careere as well as a family.

strawberry · 02/11/2004 13:09

Yes I went back to work for 8 months but then decided to have a go at consultancy from home. Although I enjoyed my job, I found it difficult to cope with everything (ie. rushing in the morning, come home and spend time with DS, once he was in bed cook supper and tidy up from breakfast (!), do some laundry etc etc etc collapse into bed). Things have improved in terms of quality of life but the consultancy work has been more stressful than I thought.

I was tempted to stay and try to get pg quickly and there are undoubtedly benefits of doing so. But if you're unhappy and you can afford it, I would just pack it in. Of course we all love being with our kids but personally I also need a more mentally stimulating time and work does provide this. Good luck!

lulupop · 02/11/2004 13:41

Oh you poor thing. BC I worked for a City headhunter and my boss there came back to work when her DS was only 4 months old. At the time I didn't think much of it, other than I noticed she was constantly on the phone to the nanny, worrying about her baby, and had a nightmare if he was ever ill. Also, she had negotiated to work 4 days a week with our employer, but they got a great deal as we were getting our practice off the ground and she was certainly working as hard as the rest of us on 5 day weeks.

HR is one of those jobs that is literally never finished, so you must be really stressed trying to juggle everything. I wld like to go back to work but wld never go back to the City as the commuting wld just be too much and I'd hate that whole thing of worrying about not giving anyone 100%.

Why not give up if you can afford it? You can alwways look for another job if you hate being at home. But you probably won't - you can get a job any time (as long as you can afford to be a one salary family) but you can never get those precious moment with your baby/ies back - their funny little words, steps, and so on. I know it's a cliche, but it's true.

As for waiting for no.2 - my boss ended up leaving for good once she had no.2, and never went back, so what was the point of all that stress and compromise after no.1? I think they cld have afforded for her to be at home from the start, but she went back and in doing so seemed to really resent missing out on her DS1's daily life.

You won't regret spending time with your kid(s) - you might regret spending too much time in the office. Give it a go - what's the worst that cld happen?

Kaz33 · 02/11/2004 14:18

City lawyer, left 4 months after returning from maternity leave for second child. Hated leaving kids with nanny, hated what my job had become , sexual discrimination clause against firm - so negotiated voluntary redundancy with firm and left.

So much happier, life is so less stressful, I feel like I am shaping my children not some one else.

Strangely enough although money is an issue for us, I find that i have more time to budget and look for good deals. Before when working full time much more likely to blow money on totally unnecessary treats because so stressed.

I think that part time is the answer long term but at the moment enjoying my new role

pixiefish · 02/11/2004 14:22

I've gone back part time as a teacher and whilst I love teqaching I have issues with the admin/dept which has changed since I left. I also hate leaving dd (9 mths) and am contemplating giving it up for a few years. The question is whether I'll have to do some supply work for the pennies. I'vew got to stay till Easter as well (teacher's contracts and all thqat malarkey)

sinclair · 02/11/2004 15:45

Thank you for starting a very stimulating thread. For many of us there are various 'golden handcuffs' holding us to work - great maternity bens, chance to dress up/have lunch with mates (or is that just me?) / the money!! but I find I am constantly reviewing the balance (I work 3 days which is defintely better for me than 4, but worse for my career) and you are never sure you have it right. And the commute itself which should be me-time and a chance to read a magazine or novel ends up stressful if you are picking up from nursery. I do think as others have said that you sound as if you would be very very employable as a consultant, or doing something lower key, less money, but nearer home. Good luck whatever you decide.

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