I've failed again ....

[Mogs43]

I would be very, very grateful for any advice.

Background: I have been employed in the public sector for over 20 years. I was also the primary carer for my severely disabled father who caught and died from COVID last year. Unfortunately as he was dying work asked me to undertake some travel which I couldn't do (it would have meant he would have been alone, am an only child and he is divorced, and I was in no fit state to represent the organisation /had been signed off as not fit with depression/stress). My manager (of about six months) then said I would need to find another post. I think I had a breakdown (never experienced anything like it)- under a psychiatrist, therapist , medication etc. Am now looking for other posts.

I was informed that I had been shortlisted for the first post I applied for. There was to be a psychometric test (Saville Assessment - Waves Style Personality Questionaire), interview with an assessor about the results and then a formal board interview. Unfortunately I think I had a complete panic attack when doing the test - I literally froze , swet poured off me , I couldn't think or answer even basic questions - 'do I like working with people?' 'I don't know ... what do I like?'...Eventually I answered the questions but it took me much much longer than it was meant to and I dread to think what I said.

It has made me think perhaps I am not ready to go back to work yet? If I can't even describe what I feel how can I lead a team? How do you know when you are ready to return? If I cant return to my original post then no-one is going to give me a phased return what do I do? I would be very grateful for any advice.

I assume that I should simply withdraw from the interview and job application process? Dont want to waste their time? Thank you.

Are you still under a therapist/ psychiatrist? Could you talk this through with them?

I would wait and see what happens - certainly don’t make any rash decisions.

Maybe you could look for a part time role or a less senior grade?

I don’t know what the answer is but I didn’t want to read and run. Be kind to yourself as it sounds like you’ve had an awful time.

Thank you for Taki ng the time to respond- I really appreciate it.

I will make an appointment to speak to the therapist.

I had hoped to be able to work part time in anyone post. Am worried. now that I won't be recruitable - but suppose this may take time. I am supposed. to. be speaking to the assessor on Friday to get the feedback from the personality questionnaire. I dont know whether to go ahead with this or simply withdraw from the application.

I got 96% in the first assessment so I suppose this gave me false confidence. I had thought I was making steps forward but suppose there is a world of difference between shielding at home and working..

It sounds like you're not ready to go back to work yet, at least not full time and not at your previous level. These things take time and wanting to be ready doesn't mean you are ready. Please be kind to yourself.

I had some time off work for stress and although I went back on a phased return, it was very different when compared to being back full time under intense pressure. I wasn't sure if I would be able to cope. I must admit that I have had a few wobbles but I remind myself how far I've come and that I'm good at my job and I will not let these fuckers beat me. I found getting my confidence back was the hardest.

Thank you. I am glad it has gone so well for you - you must be proud of your efforts.

I think you are right and I am probably not yet ready to return but I don't really know how to get there. I had thought that if I started in a part time post I might be okay and then eventually work up to FT but they have to be applied for in the same manner.

As my previous post is not an option (I was on loan and they said they were terminating it- although I am still chasing the paperwork ) I wont be able to do a staged return to work

It has been nearly a year and I am worried that if I dont go back soon I might never go back...

What industry do you work in? It sounds quite intense for a first back to work interview

I think you need to take baby steps, eg a more basic entry level role, even volunteering to build your confidence up. At the very least you need to practice interviewing with another person so you don’t feel on the spot again

Just a thought - was this interview with your previous employer? And are they aware of your bereavement and the reasons behind being signed off? Because I wonder if the psychometric test would be considered reasonable under the circumstances or whether it may be considered discriminatory in light of your stress

I really don’t think you have failed Op. you are recovering and that takes time.
96% sounds very high so you obviously did something right!
When can you speak to your therapist?

Thank you. I have asked if I can speak to the therapist asap- with her availability it will probably be next week.

It has been nearly a year. I thought I was doing better - although hard to tell as I live alone and was shielding. Family in another party of the country were saying I should start going back to work. I agreed- thought structure, something else to focus on etc would help.

Unfortunately I cant return to the post I was in (when I was off sick they called and said if I couldn't do some travel then I would need. to look for another post - as well as my own health my disabled father was dying and I couldn't get a carer/ leave him alone). To get a new post, even a part time one, I need to apply for jobs which means application forms, tests and interviews. This is the first job I have applied for. My application form passed then first hurdle, I passed the first lot of tests very well but then today had a full blown panic attack in the personality test. I dont know if it means I am not ready or just need to do more.

I am very worried - that it will become a big issue in my mind and I will never be able to go back. Am meant to speak to the assessor on Friday but dont' know whether to just withdraw.

I think your employer need to send you to an occupational therapist who can say if you are ready or not.

Are you applying for new roles within the organisation your worked for previously or has your old employment finished and this will be a completely new contract etc?

@wingsnthat

It is a job interview

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I am applying for new roles within the organisation I have been employed by for over 20 years. I was. on loan when I became ill/ my father was dying - they terminated the loan agreement and so I have returned to the organisation I worked for previously.

Sorry to drip feed- I should have added that I don't currently have a post which is why I have applied for jobs. Even to get a part time post I need to apply, undergo tests and have an interview etc. If I get a new post it will be an extension of my existing contract.

I don't know what happens if I don't get a post - I assume I would be let go. When I spoke to HR previously that is what I was advised.