This will probably be a bit of a long one so I apologise in advance. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting apart from maybe to try and get my own thoughts in order and see if what I say resonates with anyone.
Last year, before the pandemic hit, I was made redundant from my job. It was actually a relief as the company had not treated me well and had been trying to manage me out for a year prior to the redundancy. Not through any wrongdoing on my part, but the culture was very ruthless, they were trying to reduce headcount and generally preferred people to leave of their own accord before paying them off. I'd seen it happen to a number of other people. The job itself was high-paying though stressful but I had many years' experience and had built up a lot of knowledge.
When lockdown 1 happened, I just decided to kick back and take a few months off. DH was working and was fully supportive in this. Unfortunately, when I started looking for work again, it didn't go well and I was on the brink of giving up and trying to get something locally outside of my industry to tide me over like a lot of people had to do during the pandemic. By Christmas, the whole saga had left me feeling really low and I was very down, tearful and couldn't motivate myself.
Then amazingly, nearly a year after my redundancy, I got offered another job in my industry. It's in the same field but a different role, well paid, great benefits etc. and the people all seem really nice. It's a lot less stressful and cutthroat than my old company. It was incredibly lucky and I know I am privileged. But here's the thing.
I just can't seem to get myself into gear. I have some (not enough) work to do, but I'm seriously struggling with motivation. While I've been very proactive in seeking out work and I've worked hard on actual tasks, it's been really hard to get myself into the right frame of mind and I end up frittering days away not doing an awful lot. It makes me feel terrible because I have a great opportunity where many other people have still struggled to get work. The thought of being out of work again for a long time is awful and I definitely don't want that.
During lockdown 1 I'd got into a brilliant fitness routine which was really having an impact on my energy and how I felt about myself. Since I started the new job, I've again found it extremely hard to get back into any kind of fitness routine despite WFH and I am putting on weight which makes me unhappy too. The annoying thing is, I know what I need to do, I just can't make myself do it and feel tired and listless much of the time. Obviously, exercise will help but the thought of it just makes me want to cry.
I don't know whether my current state of mind is down to the pandemic generally, the redundancy, the stress from my previous job (it definitely had an impact because I often find myself feeling terrified that my new company will 'suss me out' and I'll get bullied again or sacked) or just lack of proper exercise.
DH knows I am not myself, but it's incredibly hard to articulate WHY I am feeling so lost when I have no reason to. We have money, a roof over our heads, jobs, we are happy together. There's also some guilt there too because he doesn't really like his job but doesn't know what he wants to do instead.
Anyway, I apologise for this epic post, but if anyone else has felt the same way or has some insight, it would be great to hear from you.