What to do about my work situation

[Lolarosemama]

I’d like all opinions over here please so I can weigh them up.

I’m going back to work in August and ds is currently 6 months old. My hours after mat leave are dropping to 2 days a week. Realistically I feel like I’d like to find a new job with more hours and potential to grow/progress in my career (I’m in media and comms). I was talking to my mum about it today and her response was “really? With a small child you want to work full time?”... I’ve felt guilty ever since and like I’ve neglected my son for even considering it.

What do you think? I was thinking a solid job would bring consistency, enable him to be at nursery and around other children, and me to not be in a job that’s not got much potential at the moment. But since mum said what she said I’ve felt awful. We’ve also moved ds into his own room tonight so It’s heightened the fear of abandoning him even more 🙈

Hi op, I was a mum who returned to full time work when my son was 1 yr old and there's no doubt my career has benefited. I do wish we'd had the financial means for me to work part time until he was 5 or so.

Mothers guilt, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Part time roles are so hard to come by that I'd bite their hand off just for a wee while.

Go back PT for a year or 2 and then look for a FT role if you want?

As someone who had to go back FT with both DC I know I was very lucky to be able to WFH 3 days a week but I would have liked to have been able to drop to 3 or 4 days.

Do what is right for you. Some women don't want to go back to work at all and some pick up almost exactly where they left off and somewhere in between is the rest of us.

Personally, I went back to work full time for a while but eventually took part time hours as I found full time work with a young child tiring and I missed being with DS.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about the choices you make though, everyone's circumstances are different.

I think you need to do whatever is best for you OP. My experience is that I went back to work FT on compressed hours (4 long days) after 6months (norm then) never regretted it - working hard when my DD was tiny/young meant my career advanced significantly and has given me more choices (and money) now she is older. I then stepped back to see her through the 11+ transition to secondary school and now stepped back again to be around during the GCSE year. My view is that from my own childhood I knew I needed to be a present parent for the teenage years more than for the nursery or early primary years. Interestingly, when I went FT when my DD was c.12/13 she was a bit wistful about me being ‘not being around’ and when we chatted about it she had no recollection of me working FT between 6months to age 9/10. Your child won’t be emotionally scarred by you not being around all of the time but the possibility of becoming resentful of having given up a fulfilling career could create issues later on.

My parents generation were in a different world. Mainly, Dad worked, mum stayed at home. End of. No one had any money. It was clear to me that my mother has been resentful of never having had a career (she was also never home despite having had no job) but also tried to do the guilt tripping thing after my DD was born. It’s also fair to say she’s jealous of the great relationship I have with my DD even though I worked, (but that’s a whole other thread in itself ).

Do what’s best for you and your child, not what your mum thinks you should do. Best of luck.

The problem I’m having is that to send ds to nursery is almost my whole salary - thankfully grandparents are helping one day a week, but that’s still 50% of my salary on daycare.

I’d rather we could afford for me not to work at all, but because we can’t it felt like the next best thing would be to look for a higher paid full time job so we can at least afford life and childcare. I don’t know if that makes sense. I don’t want to leave him realistically, just things are painfully tight no matter how we juggle the situation at the moment. Because my hours are going down as well we’re actually going to be worse off than we are with mat leave pay coming in. Nuts!

Sorry @Netaporter I was writing as you posted so my precious response doesn’t make sense after yours!
That is such helpful insight thank you. You sound like a fantastic mum!!!

In nursery years your salary basically covers the fees. That's kind of how it is and it's a balance - the more you work the higher the fees. And once they start preschool it's really hard to work FT around school hours and holidays unless you have guaranteed childcare support. You have to do what works for you. My sister has young ones and downgraded a high powered job to less pay and part time to spend more time with the kids and can always work back up later when they are older and don't need her so much. You don't get that time again.

@Lolarosemama

Big hugs. I really wanted to go back to work - I’d worked so hard before her and getting a degree was no mean feat so I guess my generation was the Cosmo ‘have it all’. Just remember nursery costs aren’t forever and you’ll get some state funded support after he’s turned two, so for just one year things could be tight. Nursery is easier to plan work as you have certainty of hours - you’ll need more flexibility once he starts school (trust me!) Take it all in small stages and budget. Years 1-2 are hardest financially then it’ll get easier as your career progresses and childcare costs reduce. You can plan exciting stuff for weekends/holidays etc and frankly my DD went to more museums/galleries/exhibitions/concerts thsn peers with SAHM (they were rare) because I wanted to do things with her as I hadn’t been left at home not being able to do much. Don’t underestimate the choices that having the money to do things brings-even just going for a hot chocolate and a chat costs £’s. We found DD’s nursery book recently (lovely full of drawings/photos/reports etc) and my DD was chatting happily about the time she was there. It’s not all bad, I promise!