It turned out that my boss was a disordered narcissist

[Anon778833]

I hope that this is rare, but I think people need to be aware that not everyone thinks like you and if you come up against a boss with a disordered personality, you will never win no matter what.

I had a job a couple of years ago when I was pregnant and my boss went from being nice as pie to accusing me of things that I had not done when I developed gestational diabetes and asked her if I could be taken off massage at the instruction of my doctor.

She made up loads of lies about me. Accused me of leaving work early, alleged that other staff members made formal complaints about me. All untrue. The gaslighting, bullying and manipulation led me to resign. I just couldn’t cope with it. Also, once she found out I was autistic she was all over that and played on my insecurities about how I might come across to other people.

Since then, a stream of other employees were treated exactly the same as I was. Fast forward to this weekend & I received a message from a lady who I’d known when I was there. She is taking this boss to tribunal. She asked me if I’d be willing to write a witness statement for her tribunal. I agreed.

She then apologised to me for not getting in touch after I left this job. She said the boss had told her and all the other therapists that the reason I left this job was that I hated all of them and I told her they were all bitches and I couldn’t stand working with them😲😲 she said that they had believed all the lies.

I knew this woman was bad but I had no idea she was this evil.

I don’t know why I’m typing this, but I think it’s a cautionary tale for anyone who goes to a new job thinking that as long as you work hard, everything will be fine. I hope this is rare, I really do.

Every time someone else from that company messages me to tell me the same thing happened to them, it brings it all back to me.

I can see that this is a cathartic post about your former boss, and you want to get it off your chest. Fair enough but it isn't actually clear how this can help someone else - this situation is unique to you, and it would be of little use to generalise your experience to other employment issues. It isn't a cautionary tale, it is your personal experience from your perspective which we have no way of validating.

Hopefully you've been able to find a new job where you're happier. Time to move on, I'd suggest.

My advice: Block everyone from that organisation on all comms channels inc your mobile, so you never need be reminded what they're up to, it's irrelevant now.

It is a cautionary tale because, my point is that you should not second guess yourself when you know something is not right. Some people don’t have the motives that you would expect. Much like when you end up in a relationship where there’s gaslighting. This woman repeatedly spends £10k on training someone only to get rid of them shortly afterwards. Making money is not her objective in a business that is entirely bankrolled by her parents.

In the future I will be more cautious, I don’t really appreciate the suggestion that I’m lying. Anyone can be lying on here about anything - it’s a Internet forum not a court of law.

Sorry you had that happen to you but I would avoid getting dragged back in by giving a statement.

They may say its just a written statement but before you know you may be being called as a witness. I am glad that the contact has made you feel vindicated but I do think the previous poster is right. Block the person who contacted you and move on. They really had no use for you until they thought you could help them.

@SeasonFinale it’s true that every single time I see a message from someone there I just know it’s going to be about her. It does drag it up as I don’t think about it now. I don’t really agree it’s ok to let someone keep on treating people badly though if you can do anything about it.

To be fair to the people I worked with, they were told that I left because I hated Not

Yes I appreciate that. But if I worked with someone and had someone tell me that and it had not been my experience I might have contacted the leaver to ask how they were.

In the future I will be more cautious, I don’t really appreciate the suggestion that I’m lying. Anyone can be lying on here about anything - it’s a Internet forum not a court of law.

I didn't suggest you were lying, my point is that we are only getting one side of the situation, your's. That's your subjective truth, but then the other person may have their version.

Had you come on here for employment advice, you would be supported with expertise and the experiences of others. But that's not what your OP was, it was a vent from a disgruntled former employee. Not saying you can't do that, but my advice remains the same, block them all and move on, so you don't expend emotional energy.

I can recommend the YouTube video about "Giving Fewer Fucks" - don't let them invade your headspace!

@daisychain01 - that’s the same as literally any thread on here. I don’t really care if people don’t believe me.

Perhaps you’ve never been gaslighted by a boss work so you don’t understand how it can affect your mental health. It is horrible.

Actually, I did post about it at the time it happened and I was given good advice. I didn’t want to go to tribunal because, frankly I needed to put it behind me.

I don’t know why you feel the need to police my posts.

Also, I do take your point about emotional energy. Maybe I should have blocked these people from contacting me but it’s too late now unfortunately.

If I don’t help this person, the boss will continue her damaging behaviour. So I can either give a statement of what happened to me or think ‘Sod anyone else who works there’

@SugarbabyMilly thank you. It had helped me. I've had my fair share of odd bosses and completely understand where you're coming from. From experience beware those who challenge you feels threatened themselves, in real life and MN.

I think these narcissists (both vulnerable and grandiose) only target people who doubt themselves so there are people out there who will never really get it because it's never happened to them

I've had a covert scapegoating narcissist target me a few times in my life time and they always kiss up and kick down. Although, when I say 'down' they're setting out to 'level' as in, take you down (a peg). Or just plain take you down.

These people do exist. They are vacuums on the inside, and they're smart, they don't pick on the popular beautiful rich well-connected people whose friendship or association would validate them. They pick on somebody who they think is a rung beneath them but who doesn't seem to be aware that they're a rung beneath them (the narcissist) iyswim. .

@SugarbabyMilly I would give the statement in your shoes.

the narc will be wasting her time launching in to a smear campaign because you no longer work there.

There is a Michele Lee Nieves video about how to handle a narc in court and even though that's to do with divorcing a narcissist I think the advice is really good.

So instead of saying she was a narcissist, you have to be really specific ''She would ask me to do x, y and z and then later, I would discover that she believed she had asked me to do a,b &c but this was not what was communicated to me originally and it put me in a very difficult position''.

Be really specific about the behaviors.

''I was lead to believe by other staff that they had been told I hated them which was untrue. I was completely misrepresented there.''

Since experiencing crazy bosses I have always kept a private log of everything that felt "off" or had potential to be spun in a disadvantageous way, I've also saved emails and forwarded them on... I've no idea if people higher up can see this but since doing these actions nothing much has arisen in a negative way for me.

Before you forget start jotting down everything that happened to you xx

Sugarbabymillie I think your post is helpful and it strikes a chord with me.

I had a similar experience but with a colleague. I was the employee that stayed the course and saw many other people leave or be sacked due to her actions.

In the end I had a complete nervous breakdown as a result. My advice to anyone in a similar situation would be to get out as soon as you can and never look back. No job is worth it.

On the plus side I have made friends for life among my fellow colleagues that were on the receiving end of this person's behaviour.

I was bullied by not one but two people in the same role, so I do know the awful feeling and it did nearly very nearly break me. I even started a bullying support thread on here which re-emerges from time to time. I quickly moved on and I blocked the entire team because I didn't want to engage after I'd left, I wanted rid of the entire shower of idiots.

I'm not policing your posts, just giving my opinion OP. And hopefully the benefit of experience re not expending emotional intelligence on people who don't matter.

All the best, I hope you can get a better job "Revenge is a life well spent"

I have had a similar experience in a previous job. It truly is an awful situation to go through. It really affects your mental health too.

I think you do right to support your work colleague & out this woman for what she really is - a nasty piece of work!!

I hope you’re able to put the whole thing behind your & move on.