Coping with an awful boss when no jobs around

[OUB1974]

Hi, I started a new job in November. I thought it was my dream job (really interesting, perfect hours and enough money), but my new boss has turned out to be awful. Rude and disrespectful to people and a complete micro manager, to the extent that I'm told when and how to switch my printer off every day. I'm a professional and he is unknowledgable about my profession, which makes it even harder as I'm constantly being told to do things incorrectly. He's the owner and there is nothing I can do about it without risking my job. He treats everyone like this and the plus side is that my colleagues are lovely and supportive, but it is accepted that this is the way that he behaves. Unfortunately I'm one of the people that he spends a lot of time with, despite the fact I would get on better without him watching over me all the time.

Unfortunately, the current situation means there are no other jobs around and I need this one as my husband's out of work. As soon as I can I will start looking, but in the meantime, does anyone have any tips on just how to cope with an awful boss? I am calm and professional at work, but it's difficult to switch off from it when I get home. I spent 10 years in a stressful job before this and this caused anxiety so I really want to try to cope well this time.

Afterwards there will be difficult decisions. In terms of hours and location this job is so perfect. It will be either more hours, less pay, or a longer commute. But I don't want to feel like this in 5 years time.

How about mobilising your colleagues so that you speak to your boss as a group about your feelings concerning the way you are being treated. You would be much more productive and efficient as workers if you were shown more respect and consideration.

You've got two issues you can explore there - the possibility of tackling your boss on some of these issues, and the possibility of finding effective ways to switch it off at the end of the day and leave it at work.

If you try and do the first one before you've found a way to de-stress, it probably won't work out as well as it will if you do it with a clearer, calmer head.

For de-stressing at the end of the day, what did work well before? What have you tried so far? A few things that might help:

If anything is half-resolved or unresolved at the end of the day, write it down and leave the notepad at work. You're less likely to keep turning it over in your mind if you've reassured your brain that it doesn't need to worry about forgetting it.

Practice consciously shifting mindset before you leave. Instead of thinking about work as you travel home and into your evening, start thinking about home and how relaxing and boss free your evening is going to be before you leave. If you don't have quiet space in the office, do this in the car/on the train. Remind yourself over and over again that you've had a tough day, but now that part of your day is over and you're going home to (a nice meal, a good film, to hear all about your family's days, whatever it is). Out loud if necessary.

If you're finding that thoughts about work intrude, see if you can identify what's setting them off, and/or what's giving you time to mull over them. Loud music and dancing, exercise, a distracting book or game, a conversation where you have to really listen to someone else - something absorbing enough to soak up the headspace that work is trying to occupy.

As you feel less anxious (and are less anxious about becoming anxious), you'll feel more equipped to decide what's a niggle and what's a massive problem, and how much energy you have to invest in sorting out the problems.

Good post by Gliblet.
How do your colleagues deal with him, both at work, and when they leave work?

You say theres no jobs around but where are you looking? Is your role linkedIn friendly? By which I mean is it worth spending a bit of time on there networking?

Thank you for replying. I am just reading them through and coming up with a plan to help me get through this. Even writing it down helps, as it makes me see how bad it is, but also how well I'm coping already.

At the moment I wouldn't feel comfortable either confronting him, or trying to get colleagues to do the same. I am so new and I'd be too worried about losing my job. I see him behave like this maybe twice a week with colleagues, but have only been at the receiving end once myself (I made a suggestion - a very sensible and professional one - and he didn't agree and was furious I'd even made it). I tried to be clear and calm, while explaining, and saying it was ultimately his decision whether to follow my advice. He explained (in a half apology later on) that he was having a bad day.

Thank you for all of the suggestions on how to switch off. I will definitely try to follow some of them. I have done yoga and relaxation before and found it useful. Also thinking that this is only temporary, and having a plan for the future, really helps. I will try to change my mindset as I leave work - maybe have some nice music in the car to change from work to home.

There have been rumours that he wants to change some of our hours, which is also worrying me immensely as they wouldn't fit in with childcare. But I suppose I just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

One colleague, who also works closely with him, is very firm and strong. She will ask him to not speak to her like that and it seems to work. I'm not sure about the others though as I dont know them very well. The general solution though seems to be a tight knit workplace with mutual support, rather than any confrontation. I dont think there is any changing people like this.

Long term I'm thinking about my future career. There really is nothing else around as I am very specialised. A job may come up though so I will try to be ready. I could probably use the skills I've learned elsewhere, but it wouldn't be as well paid (it's not a massive salary, but a fte of 35k, which I would struggle to find in another field). I only work 16 hours so it is just affordable. If my hours were increased the extra pay and more would be spent in childcare. As it is I dont need any at the moment.

Has anyone else had a boss like this? Hopefully I can come up with a plan to move on in a few months and try to use some techniques to calm down. As I get to know my lovely new colleagues better there might be more ways to deal with it. They really are helping in all this!

My boss isn't awful but just not managing the team very well. I snapped last thing yesterday and confronted him on group chat. It's probably going to get me in trouble but I've had enough. Applying for other jobs right now.

I can't give you any comfort factor, as I once had a dreadful boss and having nice colleagues didn't compensate for that. I ended up leaving within 4 months as I knew I was wasting my time and career there - what it did was open my mind up to new possibilities which landed me a great role with a professional manager who valued me. It wasn't my dream job, but it did start me on a different track which proved to be a game-changer.

My message is, a job is very similar in many ways to a relationship, in that once you know it's a busted flush, sticking around just prolongs the agony and prevents you from moving on. Challenge your thinking about those "specialist skills" - if they stop you from being able to diversify, they become your rate-limiting factor. Even if a move and a repurposing of skills sees a temporary reduction in salary, at least you'll be out of a rut and can explore options from there.

I find it helpful to not let other people's shit stick to me. If l find myself getting annoyed l think about the mood l was in before they darkened my doorstep.

I also step back when l get a snotty e mail and read it again later rather than responding straight away.

Also putting them out of your mind really helps. They aren't actually really relevant in the grand scheme of things.

Still look out for another job though. Things are picking up a little. It will make you feel not as helpless. Feeling helpless is very destructive.

Out of interest, if your partner is out of work, what's stopping you from doing more hours as he it she can watch the kids? Or considering a move in the future to a place with more opportunities for you both? Making plans and knowing you have an exit in place can be a good pressure valve.

In the meantime, mindfulness and meditation is useful. I have a work diary that helps me - everything gets ticked off or reallocated and I can then close the book and leave for the day.

I'm in a very similar situation - started what I thought would be a dream job last year and very quickly transpired that I had a shit boss who is also the owner of the small company - so nowhere to go to. We agreed this week that I'm leaving (they pushed the button so to speak but I agreed it wasn't working out for me either), but I'm on three months notice, and they won't agree to garden leave or pay in lieu of notice. So I either leave without a job to go to or try to stick it out for the next 3 months whilst finding something else...

Similar to the OP - no respect for my expertise and so wants me to do things "wrong" which just goes against my core values. Hoping they change their mind and let me go and just pay me my notice.... If not, I just hope my mental health survives!

Thank you for the replies. I am a huge over thinker and worriee, but feeling better today. It's not forever after all.

My husband is doing childcare at the moment, but looking for work. He's really struggling to find anything at all, so me working school hours means he doesnt have to be restricted. We've just sold up and moved, following redundancies, back to our home town. The plan longer term is that as we've moved north so the housing is cheaper, we can both afford to work fewer hours and have more family time.

I think I need to stick with it while he finds a job and we find a new home. Then once we know what I need to earn and what hours I need to work, I can look for something suitable. It's been such a disruptive year I just want to get settled and I hate the feeling I've gone from one awful job to another (although the other was stressful in different ways, mainly having too much to do and no support).

I am sorry to hear of other people going through the same. Managing people is a skill like any other and it seems quite common to have someone who hasnt learnt this as a boss. I used to be a manager and found it really hard - but I always tried to be fair and supportive to my staff.

Oh OP how awful micro managerds are the worst I had that and lost my confidence to an extent. It wore me down. I agree with @daisychain01 once you know it’s not going well it’s best to cut your losses and leave as it just prolongs the inevitable...

I'd love to @ilovebrie8 but I just cant afford to at the moment. I'm the only earner in the household and just bringing in enough to keep us going. We're mod moving house and have all our house purchase money in the bank and so wouldnt get any benefits and I dont want to eat into that.

Yesterday was better but I hate feeling like my whole week is dependant on his mood. As soon as we buy a house and my husband has a job I will start looking (I am keeping my eyes open now as well in case something comes up but I dont want to work more hours and really restrict my husband's job hunt). I keep tellk myself it's only temporary, which is helping, and putting on music/radio after I leave helps, along with a bit of relaxation...

I'm interested in this too as I'm in a very similar position myself. I've been where I am for nearly 2 years and although its never been great, I've had 4 line managers in the last 6 months as my original one left and I've been moved around the company. My new line manager (who should be my permanent one) is a destructive narc who runs the show and has made it clear she neither wants my expertise or me, she wants me gone. Nothing I can do is good enough and she's very clever at twisting everything so I somehow get the blame. I'm trying to stay positive while looking for other jobs but it's killing my confidence and self esteem and the job market is quiet. I am very close to just handing in my notice and hoping I get something in my 3 month notice period, but if not I've wrecked my career. I'm a single parent so nobody else to rely on for income either.

Could have written this post myself.

I have a boss who's on site every day and is getting unbearably rude and snippy and then one that is remote but rings and berates is on a daily basis.

We don't know which one is going to be an asshole on which day at the moment.

I've been working I. The business for over 20 years yet I still get micro managed so much so that last week I lost it after getting constant berating messages in home time and was told to not touch the new software system blah blah even though it was the other boss who had cocked something up.

I went in the next morning and told the on site boss that I will no longer be speaking to or taking calls from the off site boss as I had had enough of being spoke. To like a child when I'm a grown adult and have some my job,very well I might add for longer than he has been within the company.

He now won't deal with me at all and when I sent a message the other day regarding putting my hours back to original (I've been doing longer since we came bak from lockdown) the response was deal with other boss not me.

Between them they are rude and toxic and so now off site boss tells on site boss what to say which she does and it's a nightmare.

This week I e been told we don't do enough (working upto 50 hours with no breaks and no seating and earning a lot of money for the business) I've been told I'm lucky I got paid like I should be grateful for it and that was because another member of staff cocked something up not even me,and much more.

I think they think we should be grateful to work for them however they've lost many staff over the years and I know it's because of their behaviour.

I'm calmly gritting my teeth and doing my job well whilst I'm planning I. The background to go self employed