Pregnancy or work

[tonyharrisonboosh]

I know I'm going to sound really feeble and pathetic but I'm coming from a place of deep rooted anxiety and the need to please folk.

I'm 36 and have a 4 year old. I have been thinking of having another baby for a couple of years but for various reasons it's not happened.

The main reason that is stopping me now, is my boss. Now, I'm not trying to demonise her. She can be very nice and funny but very intolerant and can be quick tempered. She is a very strong lady and has been through a lot and I do admire her for this. The trouble I have is that she has hinted that my pregnancy wouldn't be welcome. Just little things in conversation such as when she misheard a colleague speaking to me and thought they asked if I was trying for a baby. Her response was an abrupt "you're definitely not going off for 9 months to have a baby".
She relies on me a lot at the moment, especially through lockdown as I have been covering for her a lot while she has been homeschooling her daughter who is school age. I am completely sympathetic to her situation and do what I can to help work wise.

I know I'm being ridiculous but I'm terrified of losing my job as she holds a lot of sway with the senior managers. I was furloughed for the first lockdown last year and she likes to remind me that I'm lucky to have a job.

How do I get this concern for my job out of my head?

I have three children and each time I had them, I experienced similar feelings to those you have outlined above, regarding how it would go down at work and being worried about my boss’s response. My workplace is extremely flexible and so I was fairly confident that nothing would happen to my job while on mat leave, and that I could hopefully still progress my career after I returned, but I was still racked by feelings of guilt that I would be dropping them in it/causing unnecessary stress for colleagues etc while I was off. I was in a fairly senior role for my first two pregnancies and a very senior role for my third and some of my feelings of guilt were around my team and whether they would be OK while I was off. But to find some perspective, I looked ahead to our future. How would I feel later in life if I had decided not to have a baby/another baby because I had prioritised work over our family? This really helped me - any short-term awkwardness or inconvenience at work paled into insignificance when I looked at our whole life. In your situation, it sounds like you are being influenced by the views/potential views of one person in particular, so do the above but perhaps replace “prioritised work over our family” with “prioritised x’s views over our family”.

My first and third mat leaves were six months and my second was more than a year due to serious illness in our family. And work coped! In fact, they more than coped - some members of the team flourished and went on to internal promotions when I returned.

Someone else will hopefully come along who can advise on any legal implications of mat leave and job security, but my understanding is that there is protection during this time.

The reality is you can't do anything about her attitude towards you having another baby and even though they cannot technically dismiss you for being pregnant employers can get rid of people for all sorts of reasons so this is a possibility.

I don't know how long you've worked there but it is generally a good idea to try to be in a stable employment where you will be supported through mat leave before you get pregnant but I realise looking for other jobs at the moment isn't ideal.

Also if you are 36 you don't have a lot of time to think about this. If you leave it too late will you regret it? I suspect you'd regret not having another baby than losing the job (IF it came to that).

Ignore your boss's comments. She doesn't get to dictate your family life.

I agree with pps , put your family and your personal goals first. Once you are pregnant you can think about the practicalities re work.

Thank you for your replies.

I know I would regret not having another baby and the clock is ticking so I don't have the luxury of time.

I have been in my current role 2.5 years and in that time I have witnessed other colleagues being managed out in some rather duplicitous ways. All under the guidance of HR. Basically if your face doesn't fit then you won't be there for long. I am well liked and my manager relies on me a lot to cover for her so while I wouldn't say I'm irreplaceable, it would be an inconvenience for them to find someone to cover the various tasks I've taken on during my time there.

I wish I didn't feel as worried but I think I'm my own worst enemy!