I feel that I don't have much of a choice but to stay - not sure how to handle things.

[TwoAndMe]

Qualified as a nurse 2 years ago. Started my first post just over a year ago. I am a single parent and childcare is difficult so it was very difficult finding something to fit.
As a newly qualified, I felt quite nervous but trusted I'd be supported. I wasn't. In fact I was dismissed quite often. My manager had no time for me and would speak to me in a condescending way. There was also a band 6 who is just so inpatient, no time for anyone, speaks as to me as if I'm stupid. Lots more to this but trying to keep it short.
I had time off, went to see a supervisor who explained that I had been let down and should have been supported. Self referred to the wellbeing service as I would just freeze with anxiety. I spoke with another nurse who told me that it has been noticed how I am treated. I took 2 months off. Desperate to find something else.
Anyway, I couldn't find anything that would work around my dc's. In this time my manager has retired and I have a new manager who seems lovely. He has offered me more hours and very flexible which is great. However, my ex manager is still there part time. The band 6 is still there, she has a big character and appears to get away with speaking how she does. I thought I'd be ok, but I feel so intimidated by her, by them both. The simplest thing, I feel I can't do when I'm around them. That's all of the time as we are pretty much office based now.
I have had some stress related health problems that started last summer. I pushed myself to go back. I have to work.
I'm on AL at the moment and can't relax, feel better because all I'm thinking about is when I go back. I just completely freeze there. I don't know how to manage this.

Are you in an NHS trust? You should have a freedom to speak up guardian who can talk to you about how to raise your concerns about what may be bullying and harassment.

It sounds like you are suffering anxiety, have you spoken to a doctor about it ?

16Eskarina1 yes, NHS. I have discussed my issue with a few people in the trust now. Since going back in November, I haven't had to even converse with them as I went back in another team (temp to ease myself back in the environment). Same office but not had to be involved with them. However, I'm going back into their team. Even hearing their voices makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like this place has scarred me. They have made me feel so inadequate that even picking up the phone to call patients/families is difficult for me. I have been leaving the office to use a small office to make calls. Then doing paperwork in the office. I know I won't be able to do this going back as the small office is booked out for clinics that have reopened. I know it sounds so silly but I just freeze. I feel like I know nothing now.

19DinosaurDiana yes, I have. I have had to have a few investigations as suddenly I was unable to swallow. After many investigations, I am now receiving therapy from speech and language as they think it's stress/anxiety related. I have lost alot of weight. It has impacted on my MH. No matter what I try to do, tgat place makes me freeze. My mum is the only one I speak to and she keeps telling me I'm good at my job and I shouldn't allow these people to do this to me. I know that, I just can't help it. I'm scared that my confidence is lost and wherever I go, I will feel this way.

My husband developed anxiety which was exacerbated by his job. In the end he accepted antidepressants and they were a lifesaver for him.
He felt like he couldn’t swallow so started eating soft foods, he lost lots of weight and we thought he had cancer, but in the end it was the anxiety.
You need to earn money obviously, but don’t let work do this to you.
The trouble with anxiety is that it can be a bit if a chicken and egg situation. Is it work that’s making you anxious, or do you have anxiety and it is coming out in relation to work. Only you can work that out.

41DinosaurDiana oh really?! I found it so difficult to understand how anxiety/stress can impact this way. How is your husband now in regards to swallowing? Did he stay in his job? Yes, this is what I'm trying to work out. I was ok when I started there. It slowly progressed. The more I was dismissed or spoken to in a patronising way, the more I pulled back, the more I felt I couldn't ask, the more I questioned my own abilities. I kept trying to push myself, until one day, I literally froze. I left the office and had a complete melt down, couldn't breathe. Experience racing thoughts, overwhelmed at every minor thing. I had 2 months off. Since going back, I have avoided alot. I know I can't continue this way.

My DH got to a point where I said he could no longer do his job. He was going out one day in a right state, it was impacting us all at home. That day he rang in sick. Then we had a hellish couple of years of him denying that it was mental health, in the end I made him do a depression test on line and he scored high (although he has anxiety not depression) and he had no choice but to accept it. He refused antidepressants at first, insisting he didn’t need them and that they were for other people.
In the end, finally, he went straight on the maximum dose. No change for the first 4 weeks, then after that he improved weekly up to 6 months. He’s on them for life now and they are literally a lifesaver for him.
He got back to work and earned a promotion, but eventually it crept back in and so he took early retirement.
What I would say is, listen to what others are telling you. When it’s you that’s in the turmoil you can’t see what’s really going on, you can’t see how bad it really is. My DH couldn’t see how badly it was affecting me and the kids. It was hell.
Listen to the GP, they only want to help 💐

The swallowing problem disappeared when he went on the antidepressants.

23DinosaurDiana thankyou for sharing. Glad your husband is better. I have just asked for a GP call back to see if I can start taking the medication. It's something I have put off for a while. Thinking I can manage this myself but I have zero motivation to do so. I was worried about side effects due to feeling so nauseous already. I know that's lack of nutrients at the moment. I think I need to be brave and take them

Anxiety makes you nauseous.
My DH was put on Citalopram. It can affect your libido, but to be honest he didn’t have any when he was ill anyway !
He said it made him tired, but I would disagree and say it made him relax so he was actually able to sleep without nightmares and lying awake worrying about things.
Good luck to you 💐

OP, you have the support of your new manager and HR. You need to stop thinking you are working for these two people. Do your job as you should, seek feedback from your new manager and pretend they are not there.

Remover, they do not manage you. You will only grow confidence in the role as you get on with it, so do that and do t let them hold you back.