Am I being bullied at work? Lost all perspective

[userful]

Back story... I'm 56, have worked part time for a local authority for 15 years. I used to say I love my job but since a new line manager took over a few years ago I dread being at work on the days she's in. I'd say I'm conscientious, reliable, honest, I'm good at planning, and I'm well liked by clients and colleagues. Generally I quietly get on with my work, but will happily speak up and ask for help/guidance if I come across a problem too big for me to deal with. I'm at a loss as to why she is giving me such a hard time, and it's starting to affect my mental health and my self esteem. Sorry this is long...

Some examples:

• When my husband went semi retired I asked if I could swap one of my days so we could be home the same day one day a week. (He's in education so impossible for him to change days unless they reorganised the whole department timetable to suit him). I put forward a case of how it could be done without any impact on our workflow. The reply was an outright no, and the only way I could have that day was if they cut my hours to two days so they could hire someone else for then. As I can't afford to drop any more days I declined. A couple of months later someone in the same department was granted that day as regular study leave so he could concentrate on his degree.

• for the last few years I have requested extra in-house training/job shadowing in a related department to mine. We work closely together and I have always thought it would be beneficial to have more understanding of what they do. Colleagues in that department agreed it would be a good idea but it needs approval from management. It's never happened despite me requesting it year after year. Then I saw on the rota that another colleague had asked to be put on a job shadow with them and the very next week he was down on the rota to spend a day with them. He'd only asked about it a week before.

• when my mother in law died I got the news at lunchtime. I said I needed to go home to be with my family (there was nothing urgent so it wouldn't have affected work). I was upset and shocked, and wanted to be with my husband who was distraught. Before this manager let me go home she got her notebook out and grilled me about health and safety issues to do with a medical diagnosis I'd recently received. I sat there feeling tormented. I later heard that she'd told another colleague that I didn't seem bothered about going to the funeral and that I didn't get on with her anyway so wasn't that fussed. WTF? At no point did I say any such thing.

• in my last PDP she put one of my aims should be to focus on staying fit and healthy so I could continue to carry out the duties involving heavy work required by my role. None of my other colleagues had that in theirs, even though we all have the same job. Nothing was said about my development or training needs.

I suspect she is trying to push me out (maybe thinking I'm near retirement age so not worth bothering with?) and wanting someone younger, even though I'm physically very fit and active and the same age as her. Ironically I've been the one covering for a couple of younger colleagues who've been off long term sick, while I've only had one or two days sick at most over the last couple of years.

At this rate though I will be asking my GP to sign me off as I don't know how much more strain I can take. I don't know what options I have. I love my job, love my colleagues and clients. I'm too young to retire yet - can't afford to anyway - but can't face retraining or starting a new job right now, not while my confidence is so low. I'm in a union if that's relevant, but guess who our union rep is?
Any advice or tips would be really appreciated.

You have my sympathies, have you gone back to your manager with the lack of consistency in decision making. I had a manger who when she spoke to us it came across as confrontational, she also would show us something once and say we had been trained. In a one to one I actually told her the way she spoke to us as a team was harsh, give her due she listened and things improved.
If you feel the need to go sick, do it.
I also work for a local authority and went off with work related stress, at one time, which the GP put on the sick note, the matter was taken very seriously.

Reminds me of someone I used to work for. She said I took everything personally but it wasn't personal. I replied that I had never heard her speak to the rest of the team the way that she spoke to me, and I couldn't imagine that she ever would. She looked genuinely thunderstruck. She was better for a few days but I think I would have had to constantly challenge her to be treated fairly. I just counted the days till the project was over. Sorry. no advice!

Thanks for answering, sorry to hear you've been through similar. I'm glad you were taken seriously at least. Did it help matters at work after you'd been diagnosed and signed off? I'm worried it would be used as ammunition against me if I'm seen to be struggling.

I haven't raised it with her. She doesn't take well to that kind of feedback, and from experience of raising other concerns - and from seeing what happens to colleagues who've done similar - she'd most likely have 100 reasons why I'm imagining things or being over sensitive, then I'd be given all the menial, grotty tasks no one wants to do.

Namechange88 hmm yeah that sounds a familiar tactic! It's exhausting isn't it? Hope you found someone better to work for.

Hmm. It sounds like something must be up, and if other colleagues haven’t benefited from raising it with her perhaps that won’t help.

Could you get transferred somewhere else in the LA? Going off sick is understandable but not a long term solutions for you or your employer when really you just need a different boss.

Take the matter to her line manager as an official grievance.

Thanks, I'll keep my eyes open for possible internal moves but there's a recruitment freeze because of the covid crisis. Yes I agree being signed off work won't solve anything in the long run but i can feel my stress and anxiety levels worsening by the day. My sleep is disrupted, I'm grinding my teeth, feeling useless and teary about everything (obviously lockdown doesn't help!). But I can see how well the rest of my family are being supported at work during all this and it makes me realise how shit our place is at looking after staff well-being and wonder if I need time out before my mental health gets even worse.

Re the grievance. I'm very wary of going down that road as you hear so many cases where everyone ends up worse off than before and the workplace becomes unbearable. There are a few other colleagues who are being treated similarly badly. Maybe because we've been there longer, we aren't "young and fun" any more? We're all dedicated to the work we do and put in a good day's work, so it's not like we're bitter and inflexible and coasting to retirement as older workers are often accused of doing. All I want is to be treated fairly and with respect.

I honestly don't know what the way out is here. Perhaps a middle way where the manager is held at bay? To the pp who said about approaching the senior manager above her level about this, good idea, that might be one way. I will look into doing that.

I have been in a similar situation. My advice is to put absolutely everything in writing. If you've u have to talk to her, follow it up with an email to confirm what was said.

If your conversations were that - just talking - you wouldn't be able to prove a grievance (especially if she minimises) so you need to start defending yourself.

PS and the upshot of mine was that finally I was moved away from under their management. Life is a thousand times better, I am back to being the well respected employee I was before them and when colleagues tell me how shit that manager it feels fantastic...

Update on my experience - I left that employer and now work with lovely people. I've had a few different managers, all with their pros and cons, but the organisational culture is completely different and I can't imagine being treated like that again.

Hmm...bullying is very much subjective, so whilst someone else will not view it as bullying, you do feel that you’re being bullied so it needs to be taken seriously.
We recently had an issue at work with someone being off with work related stress. The first I heard about it was when the sick note landed on my desk. This then caused a lot of stress throughout the department as no one knew the reasons why. When the employee came back we addressed the issues immediately and resolved the concerns he had. So in this regard I would urge you to report this at worm to see if/how they deal with it first.

When you saw that another person was getting the training and shadowing days you had requested did you ask why you hadn’t been given them.
When you saw that someone else had been given the day swap you requested did you ask why?

If you did what was the reason they gave

Have you gone to HR? Or do you have a relationship with a senior manager who is not in your direct management line who you could speak to in confidence for some guidance?

It sounds to me like she is ageist and doesn't see you worth bothering about as you may retire soon. But she'll encourage younger team members who may be around longer.
(The irony there is that you may not retire for many years yet and are probably not as promotion-hungry as a younger colleague so she is more likely to lose them than you in the short to medium term - especially with that management style).

Whatever the reasoning behind it, it sounds like she is being discriminatory and completely unfair. I'm sorry you are working under these conditions

I unfortunately found some people just like the power.
I worked for a very unreasonable bitch who essentially made my life hell. I'm very resilient and took way much more of her behaviour than any person should.
Examples:
I brought hundreds of thousands of pounds of extra business which was acknowledged at a senior level at HQ, I asked if I could be considered for a pay rise to the next increment based on my performance and praise received - she said wasn't possible. When it was factually know she has raised the pay of her favourite male twice and given a bonus!
The day a vacancy was closing for a supervisor position she said she was surprised I wasn't going for it. I said really as everywhere I have ever worked I have been actively encouraged and supported to progress and you haven't mentioned anything to me. Her response was how sad it was I needed validation.
When the new supervision started after months of me doing both work loads anyway - it was a disaster she was so incapable and I couldn't take any more of the high responsibility on my shoulders of correcting her work and completing work she hadn't done - when I asked for help in tears and asked why she wasn't doing anything about it she said I was a grown up and she didn't have time running round checking in on me.

An incident happened which was the final straw, I held out as long as possible before going off sick, I needed a time out. Dr was really supportive. HR less so, they had zero interest in tackling her behaviour and offering reassurance to me that my well being and mental health was a priority on my return. They dragged it out for ages. She was causing many issues for other people too and when they tried to get me back to work before my sick pay became half pay I asked what they had done to address any of the concerns I had raised - the answer HR have, doesn't sound like you want to come back let's propose an exit plan for you.

Worst manager in the world, allowed to continue to be the worst person I have ever met and their answer was to silence me and pay me off to stop me ruffling more feathers......

I feel for you. I'm just here to reassure you that these people exist, you are not the problem and I would move internally or externally so you can continue to work happily until your retirement.

Sorry to rant on your post! This hit a nerve abs it's not acceptable.

What you are describing is ageism and is illegal. If the person who was able to swap days and all the other instances you describe. I .e being the only one told to keep up fitness then I would be taking it further. Even if it is just a warning shot that says to make sure they treat you equally.

I am absolutely disgusted. My husband was made redundant from a job he loved a couple of years ago. It was they told him because they were getting rid of the department. He was looking for a new job a few months later and found his old job advertised. Same job, different job title. It is all very well the government raising the retirement age if people are still allowed to work till retirement age.
Even the local job centre aren’t holding out much hope that there will be anything suitable for a 65 year old.

Op I am the same age as you and have 11 years left until I can retire! I have been supported by my employer to undertake a MSc part time, showing that there are organisations who understand that we are now living with an older workforce and support that.

I would absolutely take time off work if you think that would help you. I would also challenge by email the shadowing situation. You can put it in a non confrontational way - ie Great to see that there are opportunities for this now, when can you do it? Also if you felt able to, an email saying that you are concerned that confidentiality around your personal circumstances has been broken and you don't know how.

A lot of it is hard to prove. But I wonder if a little push back by you, all clearly documented by email might help. I had a manager who bullied me and others but always backed down when he could see that there was a trail.

Good luck.

Hello. I had a similar experience, but without the age aspect

Firstly, don’t go off sick. I did and I felt it confirmed to her the apparent prejudice she had against me and spent my time off getting even more anxious about having to go back.

From here on in, document everything. Every odd thing she does, confirm it back to her in writing so you have a paper trail. As an example, for the ‘keeping fit and healthy’ comment, you could have gone back to her and said ‘on reflection, I’m slightly puzzled by this remark. Is there a particular concern or risk you have identified and if so, perhaps we should seek HR and Occ Health. As you can see I’ve cc’d in HR to see if they have any advice.’ Do this for every inconsistency. She’ll know exactly what you’re doing and pull back or, more likely (and this is what happened in my case) she’ll up the ante and things will come to a head. When it does, be very clear about what you want - I wanted a move and I got it as it was an easy solution for everyone.

If there is someone higher up you could speak to informally for advice, do so, and don’t expect them to be surprised by your story. Everyone usually knows.

Best of luck.

Thank you for sharing all your experiences and advice. It's good to know I'm not alone in this, but obviously horrible for all of you who've been through similar.
I got further confirmation that I'm unwanted. On my form I put that I'd be willing and ready to take on more in-depth tasks and responsibilities if it would benefit the work we do: her feedback said I'm clearly frustrated by the limitations of my role and maybe it's time to look for somewhere else to best use my skills and abilities.

reading between the lines, that's manager talk for "if you don't like it you can sod off" isn't it?

Are you in a union OP? I would chat to them and then contact HR. It may also be coincidence that the two staff members who have had their requests granted easily are males but I’d note that too with HR.

To state the bleeding obvious, A development meeting is supposed to be about your development.

Can you ask for a development review with a senior manager or HR?

There are a few things that stand out.
Flexible working. As I'm sure you know everyone has the right to request and the yea or nay is a business decision. Yet It doesn't sound like policy was followed.

Keeping fit - could be ageist especially if other people were not given the same advice.

Compassionate leave. Varies between organisations but usually there is a managers discretion element. Can't imagine reasonable grounds to refuse so it looks like poor management/bullying.

I'm sorry it's rubbish. The one thing I wouldn't do is let it lie. Have you discussed with colleagues to get their perspective?

A union rep is a real help in these situations. For example, you should have submitted your request to change hours in a formal, legally valid way and then could not have been refused without written business reason which can be raised with HR.

Is there a mentoring scheme in the LA you could join? Any women’s network or similar that you could participate in to increase your visibility? Contact them without asking her first ‘I’d like to be involved, can we find a way?’ You need to go round this woman, not through her. I’ve had similar experiences

definitely sounds like age discrimination.

Speak to your union if you are in one.

Write a grievance to HR and make sure you say 'age discrimination' rather than simply 'bullying'. The former is against the law, the latter is not covered by law.

These are really helpful and encouraging replies, thank you for taking the trouble. I am in the union and can talk to another rep at a different site who's well aware of this manager's way of working.

I've decided to leave the flexible working request for now - it's less important now my husband is WFH and looking to take full retirement in the next year or two - but I am definitely keeping all these on file. With regard to the bereavement, I didn't request compassionate leave apart from asking to take the afternoon off. Hardly a big ask in the circumstances I'd have thought.

From talking to other women of similar age and experience at my level it seems there is a pattern of us being overlooked/dismissed/shunted sideways by this manager. My guess is we are all experienced and capable and have had many years of seeing how workplaces and managers operate, so maybe it's less easy to intimidate us or pull the wool over our eyes?

That feedback I got makes it sounds like I'm not worth bothering with and how dare I get too big for my boots. I will definitely be given the shitty tasks as retribution for that one.

I will definitely look up any opportunities for women's mentoring and development at work, particularly for midlife/older women. Thanks to the pp who suggested that one, I hadn't even thought there might be something like that in place. Maybe the union will have similar schemes too?

As a side note my union has groups for women. It's definitely worth asking if your union.