Can't speak up in meetings

[helpmespeakup]

I'd really appreciate some input into this ongoing problem I have. I am utterly incapable of speaking up in meetings. I go completely blank, it's not that I have great ideas and can't express them. I have nothing to say and feel out of my depth. This has been an issue throughout my life where ever I've worked. Im not shy but situations do intimidate me. I have no issue in one on one meetings. My lack of contributions I feel is even more obvious with current meetings on zoom.

This makes me sound like a shy person, but I'm not. I'm mid 40's, I am a healthcare professional with loads of clinical experience and was well respected in my last role, where I was for years. I now work as a lecturer. My students have given me great feedback about my lectures, so I have no issue with public speaking. But when I'm delivering a session I'm confident in my knowledge and ability, I can't seem to transfer this confidence to meetings and will sit there silently. When I try to discuss this with friends they don't believe me, as with them I'm not quiet and have no issues holding a conversation.

I've done a public speaking course which was useful but was more about preparing speeches to deliver. I regularly listen to podcasts about speaking up (really recommend How to Own the Room). I listen to confidence and public speaking meditations.... I've read books about speaking out. I can't seem to get over this.

Can anyone relate or have any advice?

Yes, I sometimes find this happens to me.
I think the thing is to know what your agenda for the meeting is, figure out what you need to say to make it happen and then say it, adjusting as you go.

If I don’t have an agenda or haven’t got round to thinking of one I just tend to talk shit or trip out.

I keep being recommended How to own the room, need to get that.

Are you maybe intimidated by someone in particular?

You need to prep, as pp said. Why don't you add an item to the agenda that you can lead in?

I recommend that you fake it till you make it. So every meeting set yourself a task of, I will make at least one comment in this meeting, or 2 or 5. Then scribble ideas down as people are speaking, then say them at your first opportunity. The more you say the easier it gets. I've noticed lots of people have this fear. I often feel like the only person willing to comment, I don't have the fear at all and always pipe up at the first opportunity but it surprises me how many colleagues stay silent and I think they find zoom interaction trickier than real life interaction.

Does it matter? This would be my first question. Many people contribute in meetings because they feel they need to rather than because doing so achieves anything productive. Is you staying quiet either resulting in the wrong decisions being made or your career being harmed? If not, then I wouldn't seek to contribute for the sake of it.

I have been actively looking to speak less recently as meetings feel a bit meaningless at my work.

If you do need to contribute something, as others say - prep more.

Is it that you're waiting for the right time, being polite, and then things have moved on before you get a chance? If so, adding an item to the agenda would be useful, as you'd have to speak up when they ask.
Or, is there anyone else in the meetings well enough to ask them to prompt you?
If it's on zoom, you could always raise your hand to make it known you want to speak, and as the pp said, fake it til you make it! Commit to pressing it three times a meeting, so you have to say something, even if it's just to agree with someone.

Commit to pressing it three times a meeting, so you have to say something, even if it's just to agree with someone.

Please tell me this is just for the op while they get used to it - no one should be contributing just for the sake of it! I go to meetings of 20+ people and they are so dull due to people stating the bleeding obvious.

I don't have any issues speaking up but find that in zoom meetings with multiple people it's very hard to get a word in and if you miss that split second opportunity (if your lucky to get one) then it's almost impossible to the moment again.

Thank you so much for the replies, some really useful and interesting points here.

@inquietant that's a very good point about whether or not it matters. I agree I don't want to talk for the sake of it. I roll my eyes at people who do state the obvious. I think long term it will affect my progression if I'm seen as someone who can contribute.

Lots of good advice about ensuring I am prepared and adding items to the agenda. It's not so much of an issue in my immediate team meetings. But I've been asked to attend 3 meetings in the last month as it was vaguely to do with my area, but wasn't given much notice/didn't understand the point of the meetings. I think I need to be clearer about why I'm attending so I can prep. I'll also set myself a goal of trying to make at least 1 sensible point per meeting.

@wirldsgonemad I think fake it until you make it is the way I have to go. If I'm honest a huge part of the issue is moving from being a clinician to a lecturer. I was very confident in my clinical abilities, and I feel out of my depth at the university (massive imposter syndrome) I'm fine with actually doing the lectures I just don't see myself as an academic so tend to feel a bit overwhelmed when I'm with lots of academics.

Thank you again for the replies. Really helped to clarify my thinking. Also makes me reflect that possibly I should go back to a clinical role as that feels far more 'me' but we'll see.

@partyatthepalace also helps to know it's just not me, so thank you. I really can't recommend 'How to Own the Room' enough, it's a brilliant podcast. Relevant for far more than public speaking. I just need to embody a bit more of the excellent advice in it

@inquietant

Commit to pressing it three times a meeting, so you have to say something, even if it's just to agree with someone.

Please tell me this is just for the op while they get used to it - no one should be contributing just for the sake of it! I go to meetings of 20+ people and they are so dull due to people stating the bleeding obvious.

Oh god yes! Only in this case!

OP I am so happy to have found this thread - I am exactly the same. In one to one meetings or smaller meetings that I have organised I am absolutely fine, but in any larger meetings I have to attend that have been organised by someone else my brain just shuts off and I can't think of anything to say. I sit there and rack my brains willing for something to contribute but I just can't think of anything. I also struggle with finding the right time to speak so on the occasion I do think of something to say I tend to sit there waiting for the perfect quiet moment to speak and end up missing my chance as the conversation moves on!

I was in a meeting on Friday and hadn't said anything, so one of the attendees decided to say 'honeyblossomtea you've been quiet, have you got anything to say?'. They weren't the chair of the meeting, but a very loud character, and this has really been playing on my mind ever since because I know in this instance I should have been speaking up because of my expertise within that specific meeting.

I feel worse because I lost my job last year and was very lucky to find a new one, but it's in a bigger company than I've ever worked before and is SO meeting centric - meetings for everything. So I feel like while I've known about my quietness for my entire life I've managed and got on with it because my previous jobs have only rarely put me in occasions where it is obvious. But now it is now being magnified every day and even my manager has commented on it. He even made me do a presentation to a our whole department to help 'build my confidence' which I know came with good intentions but I just feel like my flaw is being pointed out all of the time.

I also turned 30 this year and I think always thought that by the time I got to 30 I would be 'cured', I imagined myself confident and happy and without shyness. Whereas in reality I am in a position where my quietness is more obvious than ever - it has never played on my mind as much as it is now.

The weird thing is I am very confident in other ways - I have twice moved abroad on my own without knowing a single person in the new country I was moving two and did it without hesitation. But put me in a meeting with people I have worked with for 6 months and I go mute.

@honeyblossomtea thank you for sharing, nice to know I'm not alone!

When I did a public speaking course, they touched on the 'going blank' aspect. We did an improv game which demonstrated that trying to be too clever or creative actually stops you from saying anything. So I'm trying to relax more and contribute. Doesn't always work though, depends on the situation.

I have massive imposter syndrome and get very intimidated which is the root of my problem. I'm trying to empower myself to get over this using podcasts etc. And I keep thinking about Michelle Obama saying once you sit down with all these powerful people in a meeting you realise a lot of them actually aren't that clever. You don't have to be the most brilliant person in a room to have something worthwhile to say, and even the loudest voices aren't always the best!!!

I'd really recommend the podcast 'How to Own the Room' which gives lots of practical advice about public speaking. 'How to Fail' and 'How I Found my Voice' are also excellent for making you realise even wildly successful people aren't always right or super confident.

I hope your presentation did go well at work. You obviously have a lot to give and your manager realised that. There is no way I could move abroad not knowing anyone, so that confidence and ability is in you. Both of us just need to learn to channel it!

I was in the same place up until a year ago.

To cut to the chase - then I read about Propranolol on mumsnet and got myself a prescription. I've been able to present to large groups ever since without any downside at all. Please just talk to your GP and get this.

I didn't have an issue with small meetings - but big ones killed me.

Presenting to a room of people was my nightmare.
I did everything... public speaking groups/hypnotism-relaxation course. Nothing helped. I was in despair because it was going to really hold me back in my career.

I take Propranolol before big meetings & presentations. Say 40 mins beforehand, one 40mg tablet. It prevents your heart from racing - which in turn prevents all the cascading anxiety...

This has been a silver bullet for me.

@DailyCandy really interesting point, I will investigate. Many, many years ago I was prescribed a beta blocker to get me through my (5th!) driving test. May have been a placebo effect but I'm sure pharmacological interventions have their place.

You mention imposter syndrome - I have been in a similar position and this was it for me too and then I was overanalyzing my performance in each meeting afterwards which was adding to my anxiety about it and the next meeting.

I set myself small targets, like I need to speak to speak up in first X mins or X times and tried to work to those. I also got myself some stock general questions to ask so I could contribute and not feel threatened by having to think of something creative (in my world it's 'what will be the governance points to take this forward?') and no-one seemed to notice I kept asking this in different forums. I found once I made a contribution my anxiety eased and it built my confidence to contribute more regularly.

I also found I was feeling intimidated by big personalities hogging the conversation and I took time out of the meetings to get to know them so they felt less scary. If people are not letting you speak I'd raise with the chair as that's their role and as others have suggested use the raise your hand function in virtual meetings.

This was hard for me but has been really useful and rewarding - I'm much more at ease now contributing regularly. Good luck!

Keep written notes during the meeting (or before) so you think of stuff you would say and then read off your notes? Or post your thoughts in the chat section?

@Jcee thank you, some great points. That is such a good point about getting to know the big, intimidating personalities. I hadn't been in my role long before lockdown happened, and have been at home since. In large meetings I don't know anyone and find myself overwhelmed by the big personalities. I've branched out a little in getting to know people but hopefully this will improve when we are back in the office