Advice please - DH, work stress and capability

[namechangejiustforoneday]

I've been here a long time, but have name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry for the length - I'm trying not to drip feed.

Tonight, my DH told me that he. has been on capability at work for the past few months and is expecting to be sacked at his next review meeting. It's not a new job, he's been there years, but changes at work and lockdown have hit him hard.

He totally broke down and told me he's been having suicidal thoughts. I don't know why I didn't see it, massive weight loss, constantly tired, no sex drive. I just thought he was busy at work, because he seems to work late almost every evening. I guess I was just so busy juggling my job, the children and lockdown. He has agreed to go to the doctor tomorrow.

But what do we do about work? He thinks he should just resign. That way he leaves with a clean record, However, doing this would really screw us over financially, and we wouldn't be entitled to any benefits if he just resigns. I'm also worried where he'd find another job in the current market. He works in quite a niche area.

I think when he goes to the doctor tomorrow, he's likely to be told he has work related stress or depression. But where would that leave us? DH doesn't want to tell work, because he thinks that it would then mean that he'll have the capability and the stress / depression against him on his work record.

We've never been here before, and I don't know what to do. If he does tell work, what will happen to him regarding his capability procedures? I'm just concerned he's not making the progress he should be because he is depressed. I don't know where to turn. I'm angry and worried, But for now, I need to support him. So please advise if you can. Thank you.

If he's on a formal capability process for his performance then being signed off with work-related stress won't be 'against him' on his record. But it might slow the process down and give him time to get himself some help.

It's not that his employer won't dismiss him for capability but if there is a medical issue introduced into the picture they are likely to be more cautious, especially if it is work-related stress.

Similarly, although being dismissed for capability (whether ill-health related or not) isn't good in terms of a future reference, if he is already on a final written warning for poor performance his employer could certainly say that on a reference anyway if they chose to. Lots of employers have a policy of only giving very basic information on references but they can give more, as long as it is accurate.

If there are mental health issues impacting his performance, it is crucial his employer knows that, both in terms of being able to support him properly, but also in terms of making sure action they take can be objectively justified.

If his dr signs him off this could help him at work - if they are decent employers and he was good at his job in the past they can see that it's sickness related

I think we need to know a bit more about the capability issue. What is he struggling with? Has he struggled before? Is he feasibly ever going to get where he needs to be?

Resigning might ultimately be the way to go. But right now I think it makes sense for him to go to the GP and get mental health treatment. That will buy some time so he can consider his next move. He should probably start jobhunting too if possible.

Thank you all for the good advice. So far.

He's on capability for performance, I think organisation/ time management and for making mistakes.

He did speak to the doctor and has been signed off with depression. He's in a really bad way, I don't think I've ever seen him this bad before,

He did used to do the job fine, but has since had a new boss and lots of changes. So not sure how much they will see his previous past performance. I agree that I think he needs to look at all his options, but we'll worry about that when he's in a bit better state.

However, I'm worried about what happens next, so if anyone can advise, that would be great.

Glad he is getting professional help. Does his employer provide support with mental health such a counselling services that are accessible as an employee resource? If so he should access that in tandem with NHS services.

Does his employer have occupational health? Anywhere I've worked would result in the line manager referring to this if someone has signs of or diagnosed mental health challenges. Was this done?

@namechangejiustforoneday

Thank you all for the good advice. So far.

He's on capability for performance, I think organisation/ time management and for making mistakes.

He did speak to the doctor and has been signed off with depression. He's in a really bad way, I don't think I've ever seen him this bad before,

He did used to do the job fine, but has since had a new boss and lots of changes. So not sure how much they will see his previous past performance. I agree that I think he needs to look at all his options, but we'll worry about that when he's in a bit better state.

However, I'm worried about what happens next, so if anyone can advise, that would be great.

OP I could have predicted you were going to say your DH has a change of manager. It is such a common occurrence that whenever a new person comes in, they cause issues with existing staff, even if the staff had previously been good, even excellent. The new person wants to be seen to be shaking things up and making a difference so they give the existing staff a really hard time, make changes and do not always give a reasonable time for the staff to get to grips with it.

I would urge your DH to document everything he's doing. If he has made a mistake, get him to think why that happened, and whether his error/s were as a consequence of new procedures being put in place with inadequate training, or loss of concentration or due to pressure if they increased his workload unreasonably.

Encourage him to keep the faith, if he is a long standing employee who has always done well at his job, it suggests something else is at play, other than him suddenly changing to being incapable.

Is he a Union member? This is exactly the sort of thing a Union is out on earth to do, fight for their member due to changes in job and conditions. Another source of support is Citizens Advice and, if you have household insurance with legal cover, that's also an avenue to pursue.

I recognise you may not want to give specifics around what they're saying he isn't performing on, but it would be useful to know whether they have given him specifics on what they're not happy about.

If they are trying to push him along the conveyor belt marked "capability" he needs to fight back. He should not even consider resigning at the moment, he has every right to fair treatment. How long has he worked there?

Thank you @daisychain01 and @MrsRockAndRoll for your excellent advice. It has been really helpful.

DH has done the job for over 5 years, and previously this has been blemish free. No concerns have ever been raised to him before.

He's not in a union unfortunately, I'm not sure which one he'd join if he did, as he works in quite a niche area.

Your point about the new manager also rings very true. DH had an excellent relationship with his previous manager, but he has really struggled with this one, so I'll try to find out why.

I will look into getting some more advice for him. He's in no fit state at the moment. His confidence has been totally knocked. But thank you, I really appreciate the advice.

How many months of sick pay is he entitled to, and how many weeks of notice pay if they were to dismiss?

With the description of your husbands mental health, I would seriously be looking into how you might get him out of there quickly rather than how to drag this out.

I speak from personal experience on this one. A few years ago DH had an awful boss who made his life hell and put him on performance management. Everywhere before and afterwards, he has had an excellent reputation, so it can just happen with some managers. I only found out about him being on this process because I could pick up signs in things he was saying about his boss, I guessed and asked him was he on a performance management plan.

Anyway I felt it would be better for my husband to resign than be fired, that is something I think would have really knocked his confidence, which had already been knocked enough. I considered his notice period of six months, our savings, living frugally and the option of me returning to work as I was having some time out at that point. He resigned within a few days of me finding out about him being on performance management, he worked his full six months notice and during that time I found a job and he was able to have a little bit of time off to recuperate mentally after he finished up. That is our story, not saying it will fit for you, but as I say, my personal recommendation would be to explore how you end this quickly and move forward.

I really feel for you. I was in your position a year ago. DH ended up going on sick leave and in the end was given a few months salary and was asked to resign. It was the best outcome for sure, given they could have sacked him. I think if he hadn’t been on leave for depression and anxiety they may have taken a harder line.

Given what he’s told you I imagine the GP will offer to sign him off for a bit. If that happens it will be on his sick note, unless the GP offers to put something less outing. personally I would tell work - it shifts things a little with performance management, eg occy health may get involved. Not saying it’ll mean he stays at work, but could mean he has a little more time and space and they work out a way for him to leave without being sacked.

It’s so tough, I really feel for you. Good luck with the GP tomorrow, I really hope they’re supportive.

And things will get better, I promise. My DH still has MH problems and his self esteem was impacted in a big way by his experience, but now he is getting good help, and he is now in a job that is much more supportive and better suited to him.

Thank you all for the advice. It is so reassuring to hear from people who have been through this.

I think his best option is to get out of there, I just hope his work will allow him enough time to find something new.