Any single parents with a Big Job? How do you manage?

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I've changed a couple of details so as not to be too identifying.

I have recently applied for a Big Job, it's an internal promotion at a company I love working for and has prospects of another big promotion in circa 5 years. Wasn't expecting to get it but have been offered it.

DS is 12 and can be a really challenging child at times. 80% of the time he is fine but the other 20% he can be very emotional and also gets in trouble at school.

I'm just wondering whether to decline the job, or whether it's feasible.

Would be really grateful to hear from any other single parents working at a senior level, and how you manage it (even if your child or children don't have the same challenges as mine!)

Congratulations! Well done

Please accept the job. In five years the 12 year old will be an adult and living his own life.

Do you have a partner?

You have a responsibility to yourself, your career and happiness as well as your children.

Do go for the job. I’m sure you are already, but do make use of absoutlely every network, support group, informal support etc you can. My work (unusually probably) have a single parent network. You’re not alone. Is the boss good? Is there some flexibility on hours etc?

Thank you both. I do have a partner but he isn't DS' dad and we don't live together, nor do we plan to.

The boss is lovely but has high standards and is a workaholic, as are most others in the company at that level.

No flexibility with hours day today.

The fact that he will be an adult in 5 years is what makes me hesitate - should I be waiting until then to progress my career so I'm around to supervise where he is/what he's doing/that he's getting homework done/helping him mature emotionally?

*day to day

With extra money you can pay pay private tutors /private counsellor/ sports etc for your ds?

Congratulations! Well done. I’d definitely accept the job - in 5 years, once your son has left home that means you’ll be perfectly placed for the next even bigger promotion! And the fact that it’s a company/job that you love makes the decision even easier.

But assuming this comes with a raise, spend as much of that raise on buying in help with domestic chores as you possibly can. Then when you do have time with your son, you can focus on him, not the ironing or hoovering,

Good luck, whatever you decide

Private tutors as op mentioned also an excellent idea

Pp not op!

What would yours and his day to day life look like if you took it?

Realistically, can you say carve out 2 hours 6pm

• 8pm in the evening which is completely for him every day? Then pick up work later if necessary? Because I think as long as you do that you can still offer above and beyond hours to your job but give vital time to your son as well.

I don't have older kids but I do think you're right to think very carefully about how this could work and how much pressure it could put you under.

Teenagers without issues are hugely emotionally draining and yes need a lot of support from parents.

However, don't project what you think it will be like and make a decision based on that.

Take the job and see how it actually pans out.

Set yourself clear boundaries and expectations and be very strong with yourself to NOT get dragged in to a 24/7 culture from the word go.

If the job is not possible within the boundaries you have set, then you have another decision to make but I think that going on with your eyes open and an awareness of the challenges will be very positive to making it work.

Hopefully the big job comes with a big salary. Use that to buy in what you need to make your home life easier.

Cleaner, tutor, possibly a college student to be with your son after school and help him get any homework started, meal delivery service etc. Whatever works and whatever you need. In a few years your son will be a bit more independent anyway.

Congratulations on the job !

Definitely take it ... you are securing a better future for yourself and your son.

Work hard and on weekends etc spend good quality time with him.

I regularly spoke to my DD about my demanding job and the benefits it had for both of us and she understood..

Good luck

Would you even see him in the week? My friends with Big Jobs are working until all hours. And they're either single or have someone else devoting their time to the parenting.

Those saying to throw money at employing other people to take him on (really? A parade of tutors/counsellors/sports coaches?) do you really think that a complex teen is going to respond to that well? Contracting out the parenting and not having a handle on what's going on with his day seems a really bad idea.

I think you need to investigate the hours and commitment involved in this job. It's really tough to be offered something like this at a time that's less than ideal. Maybe it could work, but I think you'd have to go into it with your eyes wide open.

In five years the 12 year old will be an adult and living his own life.

Yes but for the next 5 years he's going to need a lot of support and guidance and a present parent to provide that. Teenagers need more support than at any other time in their childhoods.
I'd weigh up the pros and cons carefully OP. I say that as a single parent of a 12 Yr old. Would this job mean your son coming home to an empty house 5 days a week?
I recently changed jobs as my ds can no longer go to his grandparents, new job still full-time but I can do the admin side of it from home so am home at the same time as ds. He's pretty independent and can happily spend a couple of hours home alone but not every day.

It bothers me now that your boss and colleagues are workaholics. Though I dare say it's not surprising at that level.

I think it unlikely that they're going to understand or have even a shred of sympathy if anything crops up with your son. A call from school regarding his behalf and demanding that you come in, when there's a deadline crisis at work or a vital meeting with a client? Even the normal illnesses accidents etc might not get the understanding that you need.

I know this sounds negative and is a completely different opinion but my step children's mum has a good job and is quite senior and it very much effects their lives. She doesnt have time for anything extra the children need and is often described by the children 'doesnt do anything and just sits on the couch (now WFH).

An au pair can work for a 12 to 14 year old. To have someone in house.

Yes he would be coming home to an empty house every day, but that's no different to my current job tbh.

I suppose the difference is with the new job I would probably be coming home later sometimes, so I'd be looking to get someone in to be present in the house with him and cook dinner before I got home.

It's the mental load I'm worrying about I think. Like someone says, balancing a tricky phone call from school at the moment there's a tight deadline... those kind of events.

Can you afford a nanny?

it is a tricky one OP...as someone esse said up thread teenagers need support at that stage of their lives more then any other time in their childhoods...I think you could be spreading yourself too thin...and end up keeping no one happy...depends on your work culture to an extent...

else not esse!

Take the opportunity while you have it.

Outsource as much as you can (cleaning, ironing etc) so your time with DS is high quality and you can afford nice holidays together etc.

From experience (I have a DS who is 16 and whom I mostly raised as single mother although I recently re-marrried), I can tell you that

-your DS might and probably will change within the next year unrecognisably, not necessarily for the worst; these changes will continue so you can't decide on the basis of what he is now;

-if you have a lengthy period of time at home, he might be spending time in his room and not willing to communicate to you much, and you will feel you have wasted your opportunity. MY DS with whom I have the most wonderful relationship (and who previously would never shut up) didn't speak to me much through his 13 year. Not in a rude way - that what just the way he was developing

-your support that will need can take the form of the structure of his day, which is more about his school, activities, tutors, etc etc.I generally think as the child grows your role as a parent is stage their life in general rather than sit on a sofa with them being there like you would for a toddler.

Promotion can be very time-sensitive, will depend on many factors and you can not expect that you will receive the same offer in 5 years. Your DS needs your success

@istherelifeafter40 makes some really good points

He is just at the point of disappearing into his room never to be seen other than at mealtimes anyway!

Things that have helped me

• I live in an area where they can cycle / walk / get a bus to where they need to get t0 independently
• they have a shop near by should they need anything
• I have a network of friends who would on occasion help with lifts etc

But the one thing that did make a difference is that EVERY night (unless I was seriously late back from travelling) we sat down and had dinner together. A proper phones off, dinner together.

I always had a "big job" and was a single parent. No family support. XH had access every weekend but the usual pattern was one weekend per month. It was easy when they were young- great childminder, reasonable bed times, lots of fun weekends and holidays.

Teenage years were so tough. I seriously thought about giving up work at times but that's not possible on one income. You don't get the "quality" time because they want to be with their mates. The hormonal challenges always seemed to coincide with work issues.

But you know, we got through it. Both have left home and are wonderful independent adults. I have a great job that I love and enough cash to pay for family holidays and treat the GCs. Looking back, I'm glad I just kept working.

As a PP said, it's only a few years. Be disciplined at work, don't fall into the presenteeism trap. You don't have to give your whole life to being a parent - make some choices for you.

Hi OP,
I am currently a single working mum - I work full time and like you my eldest can be a bit of a challenge.
I don’t obviously know your full situation but I have been through the ringer by my ex - basically I thought I was working and keeping everything ticking over for OUR future together, get the house, etc.
Seems like he only wanted me to remain in work so I can fend for myself whilst he was building a life, future and family with someone else.
So I have had the rug pulled from under my feet, im now left in a rented home which is too small and falling apart - and all my savings have gone towards the ex making a life for himself.
So I am at my lowest ebb but what I can say is having this job - fairly mediocre but at a management level - has been my saving grace.
My difficult child has managed to somehow see how much I have done for them and has made her want to better herself so in a few years time I don’t need to do this alone.
Still a brat, still is very challenging but I do believe this opportunity can only be a positive thing and to give it a go - don’t let it pass.
As others have said - your child will grow out of this phase and one day will thank you 😊