What’s the next move? Etiquette for talking through a job offer with your current boss

[MaisOuiMaisOui]

Hi

I have had a bit of a fed up patch at work. Unhappy with some decision making, feeling sidelined and just not seeing a future for me within the current set up.

Before this patch, I was really enjoying my job and had a fantastic working relationship with my boss, he’s a fantastic leader and one of the best managers I have had across a career in a wide range of companies. My boss is very senior and is the functional head for my working area within the company. But the guy he reports into is an absolute clown.

I really felt supported, appreciated and valued by my boss. I still do feel valued by him personally but some organisational decisions have been made which affect my role and if I am honest have really knocked my self esteem. I don’t think my boss likes the decisions either. I would guess that his manager (the clown) made the decisions and he was probably not able to influence them (but maybe I’m being kind to him). The thing that really stings is that I found out about the decisions made from someone being mouthy and trying to make themselves look important on a call, rather than hearing it direct from my boss. And my boss then avoided talking to me for over a week - he knew I had heard the news and would be fuming.

So inevitably I have been exploring other opportunities and have very quickly been offered a great role this week. I had my first conversation with my boss since this all happened, a couple of days ago. He was planning strategies for future work with me and I felt bad letting him think I am definitely going to be there taking them forward for him so I told him I was considering a new position. I can tell I caught him off guard and he hadn’t expected it so his response wasn’t great. I felt he was happy to just let me go. Which is fine if it’s how everyone feels.

2 mins after ending the call my boss messaged me to apologise for not responding very well, told me he would be really sad to lose me and would do anything to keep me. I responded to say nice (true) things about how much I have loved my role and working with him and the team and that I am gutted to even be thinking about leaving but haven’t made a final decision - leaving the door open a crack.

So what’s the next move? If he wanted to keep me I was expecting him to explore what might make me stay. I would have had that conversation at the point someone told me they were thinking of leaving if it were one of my direct reports so I am surprised he didn’t do that with me and hasn’t actively suggested a follow up conversation. But he hasn’t.

I report into a US organisation, my boss is American. That definitely seems to make a difference. the expectation in the US seem to be that the employee asks for rather than the organisation offering routine promotion, pay rises etc. If you don’t ask, you generally don’t get.

So what’s my next move? I would be open to staying if things could change. But if not I would leave. How would you move this forward or would you sit back?

It sounds like you can't see a good future with the nice boss, so there's nothing to explore. Nice to leave on amicable terms.

If you can see such a future then tell him what you'd like to happen.

I would like to see a future. But would need some changes. A retention bonus would also help me feel the company was serious.

So there are things to talk about but I am stumped that my boss hasn’t suggested we talk about them. It’s weird to me to say something like I would do anything to keep you and then not want to talk about what that ‘anything’ might be.

If your boss's behaviour has been out of character maybe he has other personal worries (health or relationship issues) causing him to his eye off the ball - ie looking after you properly?

If you're using a job offer to negotiate better pay/bonus/terms with your current employer then it's pretty unfair on the other company - who would have offered you the job over other people who might appreciate the job offer a lot more than you. I know many people do this but I've never agreed with it.

Not helpful advice to your situation either, but my advice is don't mess around the other company. Make a decision and stick with it.

Good luck.

Ime it’s never a good idea to tell your existing employer unless your 100% happy to go for the other role.
Statistically even those offered more money are likely to leave within 12 months and your boss may be aware of this.

I am absolutely prepared to go and am not using the other offer to bargain. I wouldn’t do that and really wouldn’t have mentioned the other role until I was sure of my path forward but just felt so guilty with my boss planning out the future explaining some critical priorities for me to take from him over the next few months. As a manager I would appreciate my direct reports letting me know what was going on if the tables were reversed. Rather than pretending all was well and dropping a bombshell which never makes for an amicable departure.

It’s absolutely possible there’s something going on that could explain my bosses poor behaviour. I was expecting to discuss that with him but with him avoiding talking to me and the speed at which the new role came up I just haven’t had that chance.

I just feel like we are missing the “why do you want to leave” conversation and understanding what the organisation sees as my future role so I can make the best decision for me.

If you feel you're missing that conversation - be proactive and schedule it!

@CooperLooper

If you're using a job offer to negotiate better pay/bonus/terms with your current employer then it's pretty unfair on the other company - who would have offered you the job over other people who might appreciate the job offer a lot more than you. I know many people do this but I've never agreed with it.

Not helpful advice to your situation either, but my advice is don't mess around the other company. Make a decision and stick with it.

Good luck.

This is ridiculous - those other people won't suffer. If the OP doesn't take the job, the hiring company will contact the next best appointable candidate.

@Dinosauraddict

If you feel you're missing that conversation - be proactive and schedule it!

Absolutely this!

He knows why you want to leave and he knows there’s nothing he can do about the situation that’s caused you to be unsettled. When a door opens, walk through it. Hand in your notice and move on.

What do you want to happen? If you think the other organisation is a better bet, no need for a conversation, other than an exit interview after you receive a firm offer etc and formally resign.

If you would prefer to stay, with some job responsibility changes and a bit more money (?), then ask for that.

Do you definitely want to leave? If so, just crack on with it. If not then be proactive. Schedule a conversation with him and draw up a proposal setting out what you want.

Why don't you just ask for an appointment.
Tell him exactly what you've said here.
His reaction will tell you if things are going to improve or if it's right to consider the other job.