How do you tell your boss you're unhappy (when they are reluctant to take feedback)

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

I'm in a situation where my boss is quite control freaky, which has led to a situation where she either ignores me or micro manages me. I work in a support function with internal customers and she keeps taking over my work (without telling me - she will just go straight to the customer and over ride what I've done, but cc me) which is causing me stress and upset.

When I've raised this in the past she's been very reluctant to even try to understand where I'm coming from and given me responses such as 'I dont understand what you mean' and 'I can't change my management style' and 'it is okay for a manager to jump in surely?'

The internal customers (managers) are also getting frustrated as they come to me for advice and then she ends up hearing about it and over riding and going straight to them with different advice which is hacking them off, and makes me look like an idiot.

I was furloughed earlier in the year which didn't help as she then obviously did take over all my work whilst I was off. Its getting to the point where I am so disengaged and reluctant to do any work for fear she will 'take over' or 'hijack' it.

I am reluctant to go above her head but will if I have to. Well aware there's a deep recession brewing and don't want to be out of a job at the moment.

Do I put up and shut up? Do I try and make it about the customers being frustrated rather than me? Every time I've ever tried to broach anything with her it's fallen on deaf ears and she's made me feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing so is there any hope here?

If her advice is different than yours, is it wrong? Or is yours wrong? Or are these pieces of advice matters of judgement? Because that would make a difference.

@Moondust001

If her advice is different than yours, is it wrong? Or is yours wrong? Or are these pieces of advice matters of judgement? Because that would make a difference.

Usually it is a matter of judgement and there are but we have quite different styles, I like to give options and reasons and let the customer decide where as she is quite directive and will literally tell them what to do, which they have said (to me) they don't like.

If she thinks my advice is wrong I'm happy for her to come to ME and explain, and I'll modify my advice. But for her to just go straight to them and cut me out the loop is humiliating, makes it look like i'm insignificant/she's publicly saying not to listen to me.

She typically gets very defensive when faced with any criticism which can make it feel like speaking to a brick wall, even if positioned gently.

She is undermining you in front of your customer which is not acceptable behaviour. From your description she sounds like she's micromanaging you rather than letting you own your actions - not a good way of showing your staff respect. The trouble is, she's more senior so locking horns probably isn't a good idea.

A way to get resolution on this is to set up a meeting and calmly play back the situation to her, highlight where her interventions are a problem to you and ask her to explain what she believes you did wrong. Say it along the lines of wanting to understand where the problem is so you can improve your approach and performance in the future.

Practise active listening, ie seek to understand first, then be understood (Stephen Covey's words!) It may be painful to hear, because she may rip into you, but you've set up the conversation so in a way you've kept control because you're inviting her critique.

People like this are the world's worst managers but at the moment, with low job stability, it's a question of trying to clear the air to be able to carry on working for her even though she's a cow!

That's good advice daisychain, not sure if it will work as possibly worth a try.

Interestingly I recently told her the business were getting confused by the multiple responses and querying who their advisor etc and can we clarify. She just poo pood it all and said they were making a fuss about nothing and so long as they got the advice, didn't matter who from.

So if that's her attitude to the customer I doubt she'll be much better with me. She fears losing control at the heart of it I think.

Will grin and bear it if nothing changes until the job market improves, whenever that is. It's a shame as its ruined the job for me.

Doesn’t she have enough to do herself? Why is she getting involved with your work?

Honestly, I'd err on the side of putting up. If she isn't receptive to feedback, then this seems like the kind of situation that could quickly go very sour. Even if you're totally in the right, its more likely to be you than her that suffers at the end of the day. I would try put up, and keep an eye on alternative jobs. Probably the exception to that would be if the situation is affecting your mental health. If it is, then that's more important than work, so I would take the risk of things going sour and try to get it sorted.