Left My Job Due to Bullying - Now Struggling to Move Forward

[thegreencushion]

Hi all,

I recently resigned from my mid-management role due to being bullied by one of my peers. It was (sadly) what you often hear about these days - being made to feel like whatever I did was wrong, spoken to like garbage in front of other staff members and during head office visits (to make me look silly) I was never involved in management-level conversations when I should have been, and there seemed to be a level of jealousy as I was the person at work whom everybody liked and confided in, which went down like a lead balloon with my peer. I had also pulled-in some excellent figures and results at work, but during my yearly appraisal, I was shot-down when I attempted to discuss being proud of my achievements in the work place.

It all became rather unbearable, and I found myself sat in the bathtub crying most evenings.

I decided to leave my job - I did hint at the reason why I was leaving, however I decided not to make a big song-and-dance about being bullied because at the time my anxiety was so bad, I was scared of what might happen if I had lodged a formal complaint.

Fast forward 3 months, I have now left my job to follow a personal passion of mine, and I am self employed. Business is going ok.

However I feel as though I am haunted by what I went through, and this is affecting my progress.

I have been suffering with insomnia (which has improved this last few weeks, however I get the odd curveball 'crappy night's sleep'), my anxiety is stopping me from doing simple things like posting an advert or networking; I have a constant 'bad feeling' in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like I am just no good at anything, even though I have accomplished some great things.

I've spoken with my GP several times and sadly due to the current climate, I haven't been able to get any proper counselling just yet, but I am confident I will in the near future.

I just wanted to ask you lovelies for some advice - Have you suffered with mental blocks/work related anxiety, preventing you from really putting you 'all' into a project? Have you managed to overcome these uncomfortable feelings? Do you have any tips on how I can forget about the past and just look forward, whilst believing in myself?

Thanks in advance for your input x

Well done for leaving, it sounds like a horrible situation.
Congratulations on setting up your new business, that sounds really positive.
It sounds like counselling will really help, could you access private services?
I would write down things which are going well and if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, read through the positives

It sounds like you’re still processing what happened to you. You’re right that counselling would help. Until you’re able to if you catch yourself in a negative thought then consciously change it to a positive one. Setting up your own business is extremely positive,

Ps I was very badly bullied in a previous job, I was always grateful to have left. The person who treated me so badly was allowed to do so, he was angry and known to be excellent at his job and everyone was aware. His managers and mine but no one intervened. I did discuss with him when I left, the reasons why. He seemed shocked and genuinely remorseful but it was just too late for me, I believe he was nice to my replacement!

If you have moved on, could you spk to the Hr dept of your old company I think to have your experience recognised will help you to move onx

Your stress levels will have risen significantly while the bullying was going on. All that stress will take time to dissipate.

I found a combination of exercise before starting work, and doing one thing every day that is an 'easy win' helped. The exercise cleared my head and made me feel positive, and the easy win meant I achieved something every day, generating a feeling of progress and satisfaction.

Placing that ad could be your 'easy win' for today. I have a face to face meeting today so yesterday evening I valeted the car. It looks professional and helps my confidence.

Thanks for posting this. I have a similar situation inasmuch as I was in a toxic team with a bullying colleague, a difficult and inept manager, a lazy and disgruntled subordinate and and a manipulative and political charmer. 4 difficult men in a team of 7!! It has shredded my nerves and I have had high anxiety since I joined the team last year. I was on the verge of resigning (like many before me!) with nothing to go to, when I was offered another job out of the blue.

I still feel the stress as I have been living with this for months. It will take time to dissipate. I still have sleepless nights and am so angry! I too try to exercise every morning to get it out of my system. Also trying to practice giving myself compliments. Good luck!

'Fast forward 3 months, I have now left my job to follow a personal passion of mine, and I am self employed. Business is going ok.'
I just want to say, well done! I'm actually in awe of you reading this! I know how awful it is to go into work and experience this. I'm currently going through this and cry most evenings. My anxiety is so heightened. To have made those steps to move forward, you should really feel proud of yourself. Personally, I think it will take some time for your body/mind to realise that you are free from this behaviour and you are safe. Self soothe and look after yourself. You did something really brave.

Luckily my bully left but it has taken years to get over the impact of the time I had to work for him. Luckily I had support at work from people who had known what he was like and that really helped. It will probably improve when you get done counseling but I'd pay if you can as I found NHS support very limited to a one size fits all cbt approach to deal with symptoms of anxiety and did not allow time to talk about what was causing the anxiety.

I had years of bullying resulting in a breakdown in 2019, suicide attempts, counselling and diagnosis of PTSD. I'm still employed there as I can't afford to leave and its a very niche industry with my employer the highest paying employer and the main employer of my skill set.

My union were fucking amazing. I went through a grievance process, appeal process, tribunal claim and now finally we seem to be heading towards a resolution. I've been on sick leave for a year, then off due to Covid so its been about 20 months since I was last in the workplace.

I am hoping to never go back and continue work from home which would be the ideal solution for me - keeping my job and managing my mental health.

Its been hell but as I said my union were amazing. I'll be forever grateful to my union official and I'll really miss him. I never had anyone support me like that before and actually believe me. It meant a lot.

I got counselling and medication. Its been harder to access this since lockdown and my weight has crept up due to emotional over eating and boredom but I'm still here when I thought it would all destroy me.

It is too late for you to take any action now (you should have) but anyone else in this position should definitely join a union.

for you OP.
It’s a tough place to be. You are already doing great. Hope it goes up from here.

Morning All, thank you for your replies. I feel so much better for reading them. I also appreciate those of you who have shared their own individual issues. I know how nerve-wracking it is to share them on an open forum. After I originally posted this I felt rather panicky - 'What if the bullies see this and they know its me' - I mean, that's never gonna happen but you can see what my brain is doing to me. It's ridiculous lol.

Regarding speaking to my old company, I don't feel as though I am ready to just yet. However I have prepared a letter, which really expresses the feelings that the toxic atmosphere caused. I intend to post it out soon, but only when I'm ready and when I am mentally prepared for any possible come-backs (as you can probably work out, their HR/upper management were never very professional when it came to confidentiality) I know I should have taken action whilst I was still there, and I will forever kick myself for not doing so, however the level of anxiety which I felt, I just couldn't take that step. It's hard to explain, I'm sorry.

I think it is worth saying here, I spoke with my Union they were fantastic. They urged me to not leave so quickly, as maybe I could seek mediation. But I had to go, it had gotten too bitter for me, I could never imagine getting on with the people who were unkind to me, in the future.

I'm definitely going to look into private counselling though and then maybe I can fully focus on what skills I have to offer, and really succeed in my own venture.

I hope you are all in a better place with your employments now and focusing on what is most important - you and your loved ones xx

Could it be this anxiety not due only to bullying at previous job? Not wishing to downplay feelings in any way, but am self-employed myself, and hard to avoid some anxiety when working for self. Positives are being able to steer own course, determine own future, but inherently more risky than working for large, stable employer, which creates stress.

When working for self, everything down to you, very little safety net, and if sole breadwinner that feeling amplified. What if customers disappear? What if industry changes? Etc., etc. Discussions with many friends in same industry suggest everybody has it to some extent. That "constant 'bad feeling'" might not be uncommon until business solidly established - took several years for me. So current anxiety may not be entirely related to horrible experience at past employer.

Put it another way: if you did manage to deal with said experience at previous employer in cathartic way, would anxiety leave professional life entirely, or even a little?

Not saying should not take steps to right that past wrong - letter sounds like good start - just suggesting expectations might need to be tweaked a bit. Suppose you tackle this, get apology from previous employer, feel vindicated, but 12 months from now still feeling anxious. every day. Then would need to consider whether driver lies elsewhere.

Having said all that, dealing with this issue might be necessary first step & totally worthwhile in itself.

Hi @outwest Thanks for your message. If I look back to my youth I had a fantastic upbringing. Great family, I was loving life etc. I then married a guy who had issues and I was beaten up often. One could say since then, my anxiety has been easily 'triggered', so something which may have been easy for me to tackle back then, isn't easy anymore. So I do feel there are definitely underlying reasons why I have been in such a state.
Regarding being self employed again (I was self employed some years back) I'm prepared for the ups and downs. I'm In a very thankful position where I have a partner who is supporting me. I will be definitely be seeking counselling though going forward and hopefully in the future I'll be able to tackle situations easier. X

Sorry @outwest I hope my reply there didn't come across as nonchalant (I've not long been awake ha) I have a few friends who are self employed. Some are thriving, some are juggling their own business with sideline jobs, just to keep food on the table. I say I'm prepared
... time will tell if I really am or not I guess! I know it won't be easy x

I hope my reply there didn't come across as nonchalant

No, came across as realistic & based on prior experience. Good to hear there is one less thing to worry about!

I experienced a year of bullying from a peer at work. Eventually I had a breakdown and had 9 months off sick. I returned to the same job but a different team in a different building for 4 months then I changed career (for a payrise). The thing that let me move forward was seeing a therapist. I saw him for about a year in the end. I paid privately, probably spent £2k in the end. It helped me work through what had happened and the impact on my self esteem. It built my confidence because I think I’ve now put strategies in place to make sure that the same thing will not happen again, and if it does I wouldn’t be so badly affected. If I’m struggling with a tricky relationship at work I go back to remind myself of some of the things we discussed.
It sounds like you’ve done great to get so far so quickly. I know counselling is expensive, could you find a business mentor that might help you process what happened if counselling is out of budget?

I'm so sorry for what you went through but well done in leaving.

I went through a similar experience and after I left I went through ACAS, sued for unconstructive dismissal and won a significant amount from the company. If it's not too late I would suggest contacting them as it made me feel better that I knew the bullies would finally get reprimanded. Some HR departments also allow you to put in backdated grievances. Personally it helped me a great deal to put everything down on paper.