How do you deal with criticism?

[gingajewel]

I am in a new role and recently had my four week probationary review, I got a few points to pick up on, main ones being “to think outside the box more” and “to be more critically minded”
I don’t mind getting criticism but I am so sensitive and everything feels like such a massive deal to me, like I’m getting a telling off!
It doesn’t help that at my last company where I worked 6 years my manager was amazing, we got on really well and worked fab as a team, so there was never any criticism or negativity!
I was told in my meeting that she only trusted my 70% to make sure the work is accurate and correct and that made me really sad because I really give 100% when I’m at work.
How do other people deal with this? How do you deal with criticism at work? How do you turn these things into a positive?

It depends on the criticism. Some people are really good at giving constructive criticism that you can use. Others less so. Depending on who it's from and what the subject is, I might go back and ask for specific examples, or if we can work through it together, next time the scenario comes up.

OTOH, we have one manager who is fortunately no longer in my reporting line, and he basically used to take random pot shots at whoever happened to be around when he was in a bad mood. So I tended to ignore most of his criticism, which tended to be destructive rather than constructive and sometimes just puzzling. That's not to say he had no effect. (My blood pressure has gone from my GP being concerned to well within normal levels since it reporting to him, and I haven't changed anything else in my life.)

Is the criticism someone you would choose to go to for advice? If not, you don't have to take it on board.

Is it advice you can use? If you need specific examples of where you've gone wrong or how you need to improve, ask for it. If you don't understand what needs to change, they need to guide you.

I don't think you're getting a ticking off, though. You're getting told about ways you can do even better. No one is perfect, so there are always ways you can improve.

Constructive criticism is necessary for personal growth so you should not take it personally but you should grow a thicker skin.
It isn't possible to work in a place which is always sweetness and light. Grit your teeth and bear it.
It will be worthwhile in the end as your work will I.prove no end and you will be able to think about promotions and pay rises.

I think you need to really consider whether the constructive feedback you received was accurate and what you can do to put in place improvement actions.

You say that your previous manager was great because she never gave you any improvement areas. That doesn't make for a great manager, she may have been very nice, easy to talk to and friendly but if she wasn't giving you constructive feedback then how could you grow and improve. No one is great at everything and right all the time.

I hear you, I hate hearing negative things about myself too, but the thing is in an environment where there is never ever any criticism, how will anyone ever improve? There would really be no point in the performance management/probation/appraisal processes if all they were was universal praise and thanks (there should always be an element of these of course!)! I get that you always put 100% effort in, but sometimes with the best will in the world, for every single one of us, effort is not enough, no-one is 100% perfect at their job all the time. Sometimes you do need a third party to point out things you could change or do differently which probably would never have occurred to you by yourself. Of course, at other times feedback is a load of bollocks of course, but as per above, no-one is perfect, so occasional mistakes/misconceptions happen and just have to be written off as such!

Receiving constructive advice and guidance is absolutely not a sign you are failing or bad at your job, in fact personally the only people in my team I have never and would never give any feedback to are the ones that actually are so bad at their jobs and/or have such negative personalities they are effectively a lost cause, they would never be open to trying to improve or better themselves in any way. So in a funny way I would try and take it as a compliment that your boss thinks you are worth taking the trouble to give personalised feedback to, even if her way of telling you this wasn't the best (as PP says it's a real skill giving people feedback nicely but honestly, not everyone has it!). I am assuming there were some nice, positive things mentioned too, as well as the points to improve on, but like most of us I expect you have zero'd in on the negative?

In terms of how to take it, I think the vast majority of people don't really 'enjoy' hearing negative feedback and find it at least initially unpleasant and annoying, IMO most people have one of two immediate, emotional, kneejerk responses to negative feedback (sometimes both!): either they feel sad, anxious, even tearful, they worry that this means disaster/they are terrible at their job/their boss hates them, OR they get defensive, angry, deny it's true, feel this means the world is against them or or the person giving the feedback is stupid/plain wrong. Both of these are quite natural, normal cognitive responses - feeling these things doesn't make you a bad person or emotionally messed up - in fact 'normal' brains are hard wired to stick to our current belief systems (ie that we are great at our jobs and never make mistakes ) and to be fearful of anything that could be a threat such as a boss or influential person criticising you. Sometimes it's described as the primitive/'monkey' side of our brains taking over.

It's a bit cringe-y, but I personally feel the best way to overcome this is when someone is giving you feedback, to just concentrate on 'receiving'/ 'hearing' what is said to you, understanding and memorising what is actually being said (very easy if you get overtaken by an emotional reaction or by an internal voiceover track arguing with what the person is saying, to focus in on one small part, and forget most of the rest of the conversation!), and try and 'park' your reaction to it, whether you agree, what you are going to do about it etc., for a later point when you can examine it calmly and in private. View it as like an unwanted gift at a birthday party from a well-meaning elderly aunt - smile and nod, thank the 'aunt' / feedback giver (through gritted teeth if need be) and avoid engaging in heated debate or argue/sob all over them -usually unacceptable/unhelpful professionally . Then give yourself some distance from the conversation - if you need to let the emotion out and punch a wall or curl up in a ball sobbing in private or whatever do so - but crucially when you are done, then examine your mental 'notes' of what was actually said and evaluate the situation using your rational brain - is what was said true/valid? If not then just let it go and forget about it, that is a perfectly acceptable reaction (or if really, truly necessary, make a calm plan to correct their misconception). Can you take something useful from the feedback, even if you don't agree overall? Can you take some action to improve? Do you want to go back to the feedback giver and ask for more information, or help? I think really trying to approach it impartially, almost as if I was helping a friend or colleague who had received the same feedback helps (even if sometimes my 'advice' to myself is just sod it and ignore the bastard!).

To extend the birthday present analogy (and sorry to anyone who is finding this absolutely nonsense, feel free to ignore !), I do think feedback is like a 'gift' but not in the wanky sense of oh-we-should-just-be-appreciative! Basically you have this 'thing' someone else has chosen/picked out/crafted for you, you weren't expecting it, you didn't necessarily ask for it and you don't really want it. Yes it's super annoying of your 'aunt' to have given it to you, but it's here now, what are you going to do with it?

-You could put it straight in the bin, fine, do that but then it's done, gone away, try not to give it any more headspace.

-You could call up your "aunt" aka present-buyer and argue with her about why she bought it, why does she think you'd like XYZ etc. Fair enough but what are you trying to achieve there? Is it likely you'll get your point across? Will she change her ways? Sometimes if you value the relationship with your 'aunt' (which can be the case with clients, bosses etc!) it's best just to receive it and act grateful even if you aren't really!

-You can examine the gift and even though it's not what you would have really liked to receive, can you make use of it in some way? Take it apart and use part of it and ignore the rest? Use it but in a different way to its intended use?

-Sometimes it's OK to leave the 'gift' in a corner of the 'room' aka your mind for a while, because you aren't sure how you feel about it yet. Then decide in a while whether to use it or bin it etc?

@maxelly I really like your gift analogy. Thanks for sharing. I absolutely and completely hate criticism and I’m in the ‘makes me sad and anxious’ camp so I’m going to think about this in the future.

@maxelly thanks for that post. I have been struggling with similar feelings myself And that is a really helpful way of looking at it. I am definitely in the 'defensive and angry' camp and am usually lining up my retort in my head whilst hearing feedback. Definitely going to work on just 'receiving' from now on.

OP are you clear on what they mean by 'think outside the box?' Does your role involve being creative/taking risks in any way? Or is it vague feedback?

I am the same as you, OP, and tend to take any apparently negative feedback as a personal insult, which of course it isn't. A place I used to work at styled it as "developmental feedback" which is a better way of looking at it.

I did a course in giving feedback where the trainer gave an example of top athletes - they are constantly asking their coaches how they can improve so that they can be the best in the world at what they do. If they don't ask for feedback, they can't improve.

So take control of the situation: ask your manager to write down the feedback they gave you, read it and digest it and then make a plan for how you can do those things better. Identify training needs or areas where you might need some support. Ask them to set SMART targets for you or, even better, set some goals for yourself and ask your manager to agree them.

If you are proactive about it, it should sting less. And it means you have genuine progress to show in appraisals. However, this will only work if they are specific as to where they want you to improve. 'Think outside the box' and 'be more critically minded' are a bit wishy washy so I'd be asking them to be more specific.

I've done several training session in giving and receiving feedback, which have helped me to understand the psychology sufficiently well to be able to do a reasonable job of it.

I focus on a specific example of an area for improvement to the feedback receiver, with some carefully chosen (kind and factual) words, so they know it isn't them personally, but a behaviour or tendency for them to be aware of.

Depending on the level of trust I have gained leading up to that feedback, dictates the outcome, ie the person goes away feeling they've learned something about themselves with an aim to achieve, but without feeling destroyed or humiliated.

Feedback I've received has been anywhere from an abysmal humiliating experience, all the way to a positive, supportive and motivational feeling that I'm doing fine in x, y and z areas but need to focus more attention on a and b.

@Kernowgal it's an interesting psychology in your example of athletes asking for feedback. Somehow the human psyche is more receptive to 'criticism' if they have done the asking, so they aren't taken by surprise. It's a bit "do it to them before they do it to you". A bit less painful to rip your own plaster off than someone else doing it

The worst experience of feedback I've ever had was by a new manager who came in and wanted to do a clean sweep of existing staff, to bring in their own crew. It was abundantly clear they didn't want me around, so systematically tore me apart week by week, with lie after lie about my performance, with no substantive evidence.

I survived the experience and came out the winner, in fact if it wasn't for their action, I wouldn't be the person I am today, but it was a truly painful experience at the time. Hence why I champion against all forms of organisational bullying, when poor feedback techniques are used as a weapon.

@daisychain01 Exactly! It makes you feel more in control of the situation: you can steel yourself for what's about to come, and often it's not as bad as you think, it's actually useful.

I have tried to change my response to it over the past few years and it's definitely worked, although it does depend on who's giving the feedback and how it's delivered/the intent. I briefly worked for an absolute arsehole earlier this year who was determined to find fault with anything and everything I did, setting me up to fail so he could humiliate me. He didn't succeed because I knew he was a bully and had zero respect for him, but bad feedback can really hurt if it's from someone you like.

However, I had another boss a few years ago who was very keen on 360º feedback - she was just as good at receiving feedback as she was at giving it and I was really impressed. I think we often perceive feedback as a criticism of ourselves when it should be of the things we do/how we do them. If we can separate the two (and it's not easy!) then it can be really useful.

@gingajewel

I am in a new role and recently had my four week probationary review, I got a few points to pick up on, main ones being “to think outside the box more” and “to be more critically minded” I don’t mind getting criticism but I am so sensitive and everything feels like such a massive deal to me, like I’m getting a telling off! It doesn’t help that at my last company where I worked 6 years my manager was amazing, we got on really well and worked fab as a team, so there was never any criticism or negativity! I was told in my meeting that she only trusted my 70% to make sure the work is accurate and correct and that made me really sad because I really give 100% when I’m at work. How do other people deal with this? How do you deal with criticism at work? How do you turn these things into a positive?

I am very sensitive too. I did a job for six months last year where my team leader picked holes in the advice I was giving to clients, she completely overlooked so many positive things I had done as I always gave 100%, and just basically made me feel like shit. She destroyed all my confidence when I was already in a bad place. I returned to my old job where I knew I would be appreciated and my confidence would be restored because I knew I was good at my job. I think if the criticism is genuinely constructive then take it but if someone is just being unduly critical you have to stand up for yourself. I really regret not standing up to my previous manager but she reduced me to a crying wreck, something I am embarrassed about looking back. I will never allow myself to be treated like that again.

I really feel for you @Babyroobs and it just goes to show that nasty manager must have been a complete AH to have done that to you, when you're now in another job where they value you. I'm glad you are back to believing in yourself again.

Some people are just pond life and deserve to be humiliated themselves so they can know how it feels.