Humiliated by consultant, and my own mental health

[Eliphanbee]

I'm a MH nurse, and have always suffered from self doubt, and a serious case of imposter syndrome, however I feel that has been confirmed really
We had a patient meeting (not my patient) whis report I read before presenting. I dont like speaking in front of a group of people, and tend to forget little details, especially when I'm nervous, so highlighted points.
I also have to write things during the day so I dint forget, I would love to hand over everything from the top of my head, and have the information stored there.
The consultant asked me 3 questions that I could not answer (nothing in the report, and I had not been asked these questions before). He told me during the meeting that I should have done the ground work, and it wasnt good enough. He was on the system at the time whereby he could have accessed this information.
The feedback I get from management is always very positive, but I am a helpful and approachable person, and will go above and for the patients.
I just feel that academically I dont cut it, as I cannot hold information (even after handover I need to check what I gave written before informing others).
I always worry that there will be sn emergency situation that I would not be able to deal with, and I would forget the process (or something I would not deal with as routine)
I just dont know how long I can keep this up for, sorry about the long post

Hi, you sound just like me.
Imposter syndrome, self doubt, too stupid to be part of such an amazing team.
Due to anxiety things fall out of my head easily, even stiff I know inside out.
Lists are my friend, I have lists and post it’s in every picket.

To be completely honest, the consultant sounds like a shithead,,, and you & I both know that there are a lot of them.

If you are anything like me, this will haunt your dreams for the next few weeks. I would go over and over it in my head endlessly.
But it’s done.
Chuck it in the fuck it bucket.
Crack on.
Shame on him for doing that to you...in a mental health setting too, shame on him.

Thank you for your reply :) I make far too many lists, to the point of even copying information to make it read easier for hangovers.
I spile to.someone earlier who said that I should take it on board, as he was expecting to talk to somebody who 'knows their stuff' it didn't help :)
it was definitely haunt my dreams..I was given an interview for somewhere as the manager wanted me to work there..needless to say I messed it up, and the last told me that she would not even have me as an agency nurse. That has haunted my dreams for the past couple of years, and just seemed to validate that I'm a fake.
Lack of confidence is rubbish, isn't it? wish I could shrug it off :)

typo..hand overs:)

When you’re feeling like this, it’s only negatives you remember and only negatives that keep you awake at night.
Making notes works for you and it is very difficult to be in a high achieving position whilst suffering with lack of self esteem.

When consultants speak it’s as if they are God, they often have an over inflated self worth so coupled with your insecurities no wonder you feel like this.

Point is, you are qualified, you are working hard, you are also fighting an inner battle that nobody sees.

Maybe you would benefit from some cbt or therapy or even a hefty glass of gin and a fuck it bucket x

Thank you..I never thought about it like that, and it is difficult. I had cbt which worked ok at the time, though was looking forward to moving to a new role, which fell through (out of my control) currently taking sertraline, and propranolol before meetings..the irony :)

It sounds like you are very dedicated and work hard to get things right, which IMO is far more valuable in many roles than having a good memory.

The consultant sounds like a dick, getting his kicks of self-importance by making you feel bad. I know who I'd rather have helping me if I ever needed mental healthcare

He absolutely sounds like a dick- is what you do to help you remember the updates for your patients not the actual purpose of the s bar? How can he see this as a negative?

something that made it a little bit better was one of the questions he asked me (who the community nurse is), the senior nurse that attended afterwards was unsure of too :)

FWIW I'm a modern matron in a mental health unit. He sounds like an arse, don't worry about it.

I think it's important for RMNs to know their patients, by not by 'studying' or memorising data, just by being involved and engaged in their care. A nurse who spends time talking to patients and who is interested and engaged during handovers and when documenting will naturally know everything they need to.

He isn't your line manager, and he won't be your first consultant with poor social skills. Focus on your own professional development for you and it will fall into place

Just re-read your post. Taking notes is fine, it's not a problem at all. We all work differently.

I remember years ago as a student thinking the note takers were terribly professional!

thank you all for being so kind..maybe it is more his problem than mine (though going to read up so much before presenting a meeting now, in fear of what might come up!). he actually suggested running the meeting again, but in the end kept to the one I was presenting..just seemed to confirm how I am always feeling though, and tend to think of reasons why praise is invalid
A good natured colleague has joked that about how I gave got this far (in life) and I laugh along..I am very smiley and come across as a bit ditzy perhaps, but I have a great therapeutic relationship with most of the patients. I did well at uni, but have always thought my grades were a fluke (and i couldn't recall the content of past assignments without looking)..it is kind of exhausting feeling like this!

How did you get your job OP?! You were obviously good enough to secure that role

Some people are amazing at their jobs because they are a people person. They have great interpersonal skills and are genuinely lovely people. Other people lack those skills but also seem to be good at their job because they can ‘talk the talk’. You sound like the person with the great personal skills and I know who I would rather have as a MH nurse.

I have a great therapeutic relationship with most of the patients

Then you're bloody good at your job. You might have some professional development to do, but we all do. No one qualifies as a bolshy, confident staff nurse. It's a tough job and it takes time.

Tell your manager what your consultant said.

I am an LD trained nurse, and got the job through a mental health open day..I had little experience of solely mental health nursing, and the questions were quite basic, obs levels etc. thank you all so much xx