Am back at work but feeling exhausted with life

[cocopops]

I apologise in advance for this message being a total moan but I have to speak to people who understand. I returned to work in June having had dd last December. I am a corporate lawyer and have returned full time.

I returned f/t partly due to money but also because I don't think you can do my job part time when clients (and bosses) expect you to be at their beck and call 24/7. I think all that happens is you get paid less for doing the same amount of work, albeit crammed into 4 days (if you are lucky). When I returned, I had 2 months of literally no work which, in a profession which relies on you billing a certain number of hours is not good- basically, there is no way l'll make my billing targets this year unless I work round the clock to make up the 2 month's worth).

Volume of work is slightly better now but still not enough. Before going on mat leave, I was heavily involved in a long term client project and spent 1 year of my life on it. The colleague who took over from me resigned when I got back (fed up with doing nothing but this project amongst other things) and I have been asked to step into the breach (although the head of department made it clear in my appraisal that I should get a variety of work and not just this project work).

For the last couple of months, I feel constantly stressed and ready to burst into tears at any minute. I feel absolutely exhausted (despite not being busy at work and having a lot of help around the house with housework etc) and run down. We went on hols for 2 weeks at the end of last month and since coming back I feel even worse. I go to bed at 10 and sleep till 6.30/7am every day and wake up even more tired. I have a constant cough and cold etc etc......

On top of this, I feel like a complete waste of space at work and a liability as I leave the office at 5.30 and several of my colleagues are working to midnight. I feel that I am about to get the heave ho any minute. My confidence has taken a nose dive- PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!

...am completely with you. Also a lawyer in the city, returned to working a 4 day week on Monday and completely shafted with work already. When I returned from work after having my first child, I did so on a f/t basis but wasn't too bad as never was that busy and always knew I was going to have no 2 quickly. Now its soo depressing as there is no light at the end of the tunnel and feel very miserable. I have got to stay late tonight and am missing my kids already - HELP! You are not alone at all - do keep chatting.

My line of work is nothing like as stressful and demanding as yours sounds, cocopops, but I do remember the "head in a vice" feeling of returning full-time to work in the City after ds (now five) was born. You have my total and utter sympathy.
Quite frankly it took me about six months (and a bout of tonsillitis that led to me passing out at my desk, after which I started eating better) to feel more back in the groove.
I cannot remember if you and dinosaur have "chatted" (she is on mat leave right now) but I seem to recall she has found a modus operandi in the city law field which helps her keep sane...hope she sees this.
I think the EC area is so family-hostile. No shops selling stuff we need/want, sound of children's voices still turns heads...I do sincerely believe that was one of the reasons why I found coming back so disorientating.
I did find a good multivitamin, plus fish oils for concentration, plus probiotics (Yakult) on breakfast cereal, plus echinacea when feeling coldy, all helped.
But you have every right to feel stressed out and exhausted because it is stressful and exhausting. It doesn't exactly get better in my experience, you get more used to dealing with it.

cocopops, I am full of sympathy. I believe that the answer is completely counterintuitive. I think the answer is to be very self disciplined about making time for your own recreation, even if you feel ambivalent about using babysitters and being away from your dd for anything other than work. Try making a list of all the things that you used to enjoy (eg cinema, reading novels, going to the gym, going out to dinner without your dd, having time to put your makeup on properly, going shopping, or whatever) and aim to do one of those things every week, to start with, and gradually increase it. I still feel very guilty about doing things just for my own pleasure, but I tell myself that it is in the whole family's interests that I am happy rather than a functioning like a robot. I also believe that with a strenuous lifestyle it is vital to eat the best most nutritious food, and I allocate time to cooking as a priority (although tend to cook 3-4 times/ week in large quantities). Are you still breastfeeding? You might get a better quality of sleep if you took some more exercise.

Fully understand - I am partner in big 4 accountancy firm, effectively doing 5 days work in 4 days or 6 days work in 5 days on a really bad week. From my experience on transactions the lawyers have it even worse. Have had two lots of maternity leave. DD2 was in hospital the week before I came back to work after having her and then was sleeping very badly so I was shattered. Even if you leave the office at 5.30 I bet you take work home and work more efficiently than some of your colleagues. It does get easier as you get back into it and when everything is going smoothly its fine but if anything 'falls over' eg childcare, public transport problems, kids ill, unexpected client transaction/demand etc I still wonder whether I want to be a 'high flyer'.

pamina3 - agreed, much easier doing this when you a partner because you have a reasonsble degree of control over your life. Could never have done it when I was aiming for partner. Also very lucky in having DH with flexible job, in laws on hand, great nanny. Don't work in London so commute not too bad on the whole. On the whole clients are more understanding than colleagues.

Feel a bit of a fraud when I hear all your stories as I DO make time for myself (DH takes DD on sat morning so I get long lie and time round the shops) and I do get time every night after she goes to bed so, in some respects I am very very lucky. Also don't work in the city......

However, today was case in point. Feeling crap and knackered again today and just getting ready to bolt out the door at 5.30 to do the pick up (DH and I converse each night at 5pm re pick up and he couldn't leave due to transaction he working on (actually, he's still not home) and I get a call from boss at 5.25pm saying, "l've had a call from client x. Any idea why he is calling me?"

Well, my mind reading skills having suffered since giving birth, I say,no, he says can you call him and find out what he wants and then call me back. Tick tock, tick tock... .client is on another call, stress levels rising.... eventually get client.... answer query (he doesn't like answer) then he raises hypothetical query (which will NEVER happen) and I have to say, "client x, I am really sorry but have to leave the office, can I get boss to call you back".Then call boss on mobile, he doesn't answer and have to leave message before dashing at break neck speed to pick up DD.

So, feel guilty and l'm a crap lawyer as a) had to basically say bugger off to client, I have more important things to do and b) boss will no doubt be furious that I dumped this back on him. WHAT DOES HE EXPECT WITH 5 MINUTES TO GO UNTIL I HAVE TO LEAVE, AS HE FINE WELL KNOWS!!!

I cried all the way home in the car. DD was quite mesmerised by the mascara running down face...

Dilemma- have heard about in house opportunity for investment house. Work in itself sounds pretty dull but no long hours culture (so l'm told). Would require a drop in salary but am so fed up, am wondering now if I should consider. My gut reaction says don't do it, you don't need added stress of new job - any views?

Hi cocopops, sorry you're having a hard time, that does sound stressful. IMO it's damn rude, whatever level you are, to dump an employee in it with five minutes to go and expect them to just drop everything and get on with it. As you say, what does he expect ffs? Why don't you go for the other job and see what happens? If you don't get it there's no decision to make and if you do, well, cross that bridge when you come to it. I'm not a lawyer (I work in finance) but I have been a SAHM and now work full time but, since I'm not in London now, the hours are far less demanding than when I was single and childless. There was a great thread a while ago where all the mn lawyers discussed this, will see if I can find it for you.

here it is: Any City Lawyers thinking of not going back to work?

cocopops, till I started second maternity leave I went to bed at 9pm every night, are you staying up too late? I can also speak v highly of an afternoon nap at the weekend.

the other thing which saved me is living in SE11, v close to the City, can be home in 10 mins in a cab. Terrible for schools but adopting mature and considered ostrich approach to that.

& at work when we reviewed people's chargeable hours I crammed more into my 9am to 6pm at the office than most of the assistants who obviously all sat at their desks for far longer than me & I outbilled the boys at my level. This made me feel a lot better about scuttling for the door at 6pm. However, you can work out from these timings that I had no life which was not work or DS

but before I went on mat leave again I tried working 4 days a week to get a bit more rest, and I am with you on f/t actually being easier than p/t for lawyers.

Can you train people to call you on your mobile/ pick up voicemail remotely? I would have no qualms about leaving a v/m message which said you were in a meeting/unavailable from 5.30pm to 7pm that day and would return messages left after that.

Hi everyone- thanks for your responses. I am feeling a bit better about life at the moment- possibly because boss is on holiday and I can just get on with things- also because I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with a virus which explains why i have been feeling SO awful for the last month. Hopefully the drugs will do the trick....!!! I am feeling a whole lot better healthwise than when I posted my message...

I decided not to go forward for the in house job. Issymum- think that is a very valid point about the possible view of new employers that you just want to get out of private practice after becoming a mum and not really being interested in the business!!! I just worry about staying in private practice, being viewed on as a complete liability and being sacked!!

I am still considering the part time option although haven't told DH this as he is likely to freak (he is lawyer too but in less lucrative area of profession). At the very least, I do want to try and start earlier and finish earlier (i.e 5pm) to try and spend even half an hour a day more with DD. I also would like to be able to give her dinner- at mo, she has all meals at nursery and when she goes into the next room, they don't give them dinner. I don't want her to have to wait until 6.30 to get her tea when she is in bed at 7pm!

I blame previous generations for all my woes- at what point in history did lawyers decide to become slaves to their clients?!!!!!!