It time to face the facts that I'm rapidly moving towards becoming disabled. I have a disease with rapid progression, treatment isn't working and the nhs aren't bothered. It's not going to kill me, will just make me unemployable in 2-3 years. Condensed version of this is - do I stick crap job for a few years and eek out pay or do I leave it and accept I'll be a disabled person?
I have a job I really, really dislike. It's with a local authority with people who seem to be running what could be a promising, positive project in to a disorganised, ineffectual mess. I've come from a pretty hard nosed, ruthless private sector world and know these people wouldn't last six months. I started with good intentions but just having deadlines, priorities and outcomes caused significant tensions. The top layer of the organisation like me very much and include me in the wider strategic decisions - which impacts the mid level who prefer to exclude and scapegoat me. It's low level bullying and it's come as a surprise to me because I've worked in some tricky orgs/situations and always found I was liked and respected for being professional.
I took the job as I wanted something easy with positive outcomes. Previously I've worked at a high level, with prestigious companies. I loved work and I was conscious that I could tip over in to being a workaholic. Work has impacted on my health and I previously took a redundancy package to give me six months to concentrate on getting stable. And I did get stable for a bit but now the new job is getting me down and health is deteriorating rapidly.
I could manage without a job, we can manage on one wage and we have significant equity so could downsize and be mortgage free. I hate not being proud of the work I do but worry it's like this everywhere. It's awful having no power and being stuck in a shit workplace wasting my potential. Yet, I can't return to my old jobs as I'd burn out and could never manage the hours and travel. Perhaps I could when my children have left home in ten years but I'd have been out of the game for too long by then.
Every day I fantasise about resigning and keep my resignation in my draft email folder! I manage the day-to-day passive aggressiveness and keep email evidence but it's subtle and gaslighty. I'm often in a three against one situation. The job market is hard where I am geographically and is getting worse. I've been trying to jump ship but it's been impossible possibly because this is such a low level job combined with a career break and high level stuff my cv looks suspicious?
I'm just wasting time on Sunday night aren't I? I have to leave the job and accept my fate. I'm really sad to throw away my career and bitterly angry about the lack of opportunities for those who can't be standard full time employees. Just before lockdown I was planning to leave and try and freelance but my escape industry has been decimated by covid. Yet, life seems very scary without a regular wage - even if it is much lower than what I used to get. I know I'm lucky to even have this choice, but I don't feel there's much to be positive about in the current situation.