Kids or career? To go for a more demanding job or not?

[Londonmamabychance]

The headline says it in a nutshell, really. I’ve been in a less ambitious and less well paid role for a while now, which has worked reasonably well around my family’s needs. I’ve been able to do pick ups at a reasonable time and spend a decent amount of time with my kids, who are 3 and 5. However, I’ve been wanting to move to something more rewarding and challenging for a while, as well as something that pays better and has a pension scheme, both things my current role doesn’t have. There is no scope for promotion or a salary rise where I am. I am happy with my colleagues though.

I’ve applied for and most likely (a few details outstanding) been offered a better paid and much more challenging and interesting role at another company.

Yesterday I had coffee with the new lite still boss and it emerged that there will be quite a lot of overtime, as well as occasional travel, more than I initially had understood was the case.

I am now worried and torn, as I’m loathe to give up more time with the kids and worried I will feel stressed and pressured and be less present for them.

At the same time, my husband who is a freelancer has just had one contract finish and not been given another one and his industry is quite affected by COVID, so he may, or may not, be looking at a period with less steady income. Which of course makes me think I should go for the job.

When I look at my kids I just feel like crying at the thought of spending less time with them. At the same time, I’m excited by the prospect of a much more exciting job and we do need the money, even more so as we are renting and would like to buy property at some point.

Any thoughts and ideas on how to make this decision? Or how to make a more demanding job work for me and the family?

I just love my kids so much and am so scared of loosing precious time with them or that me spending less time with them will have a negative impact on their lives and development.

Go for the job, kids have a happy and fulfilled mother, they are soon grown and want nothing much to do with you, meanwhile you have a career to keep you going

I would take it
In a couple of years time you could apply for flexible working practices or ask to go part time. This opportunity may not come along again.

Or you could ask to buy annual leave so you get more time off during school holidays

Given the Coronavirus position, even though there may have been a lot of travel in the past I’d expect that to be reduced.

If you need the money you need the money. Do you have any other option?

No one could answer this but you. Life is like that. Alternatives exclude. Opening one door often means shutting another.

A more demanding job could work for the family if your husband takes over more childcare/ domestic responsibilities, so that he becomes the primary carer. However, that doesn't help you in terms of spending more time with the kids necessarily . A new job where you need to prove yourself, and so are less able to ask for flexibility, with overtime and travel is going to cut into your times with kids.

It's not an easy decision.

Honestly OP, for me I'd choose the kids. I say this as someone who has chosen career up until this point. Lockdown has shown me how knackered my working lifestyle makes me and how little I have left to give my lovely children at the end of it. I am planning on a reduction to my workload and a better work:home balance in the future.

I may not be the best person to comment as only have grown up SC. I would say this seems to be a great opportunity to up your game especially as your husband's situation sounds a bit precarious. Would he step up and take over caring for your children if you had to be away from home? Only asking because some men are clueless but if he knows where the washing machine is and can manage basic cooking etc then I think this is your chance to do something for you and at the same time, providing a decent income. If you give it a go and it doesn't work out, you can always go back to plan A knowing you gave it your best shot. Really hope it works out for all of you whatever you decide. Good luck!

Go for the job. Give it a try and make up your mind from there. You can always change again.

I had similar when my kids were 3 and 5, I went from part time to full time. I'm glad I did it, but the job isn't what I thought it would be and I am now working on moving on after two years. But I am so glad I took the leap.

I didn't have the financial pressures you do. I had a pension already and DH's job was secure. My decision was all about me. In your shoes, with the financial pressures you face with DH's job and not having a pension for yourself, I don't really think you have much of a choice right now. The thing to look at is that DH is probably going to be home a bit more now, so he can take up your mantle with things. Your DC will be happy with a parent at home, doesn't matter which one. You just need to make sure that DH is picking up the slack and you don't get left doing it all.

I'd go for it. Sounds like your dhs job prospects are unstable, and he can be the one to do more pick ups etc, and it can only strengthen their relationship with the dc.

Go for the job. Give it a try and make up your mind from there. You can always change again

This really isn't necessarily true. OP says in her current job she can do pickups at a decent time. She may not be able to do that in another job.

Go for the job. Negotiate a 9 day fortnight. Your kids are small enough for this to become your new normal.

Agree with your husband that he'll be the beta to your alpha for 2020 (and maybe 2021).

Reassess in 12-18 months

Go for the job. Think of it this way - although you might be spending slightly less time with your children, this will be balanced out by them having a happy and fulfilled mother

I would put the kids first. They are little. You won’t get that time back. Also, will increased childcare costs to cover overtime wipe out any increased pay.

There will be other jobs in the future. Your kids are only little once.

Thanks for all your helpful comments : ) really put things in perspective for
Me and I’ve decided to go for the job as really I think it’s too risky financially not to. Reassessing and getting another job is always an option but I need to think of the future financially and I think I’d regret it if I didn’t take this opportunity for myself. My DH is great at home, in fact, he’s a great cook and does laundry etc. Not really clued up in kids clothes or rooms or extra curricular activities, but sure he can get there if needed. Also, I am in a Scandinavian country, not UK (used to be hence why I’m in on here but we moved) Where childcare is heavily subsidised and doesn’t get any more expensive with longer hours, care is available up until 5 pm for the oldest and 6 for the youngest, not that I want them to stay that long but if necessary it’s possible. I think In an idea world I’d have an interesting job paying fairly well AND work reduced hours, but since this isn’t an option right now I think I’ll aim for going for me being the main breadwinner and working more and DH more at home, for a while, since up until now it has been the other way around. It may in fact be good for all of us with a change of roles. I think the kids have the right age for swapping to more daddy than mummy time, I’d it has to be, as well. I just hope DH will be happy with this, but I think he will. He had been supportive of my decision so far. Any other tips on how to carve out more time with kids, please send them my way! Am thinking of getting a cleaner, although I do in fact, oddly, quite enjoy cleaning 😂

Oh I'm so delighted for you! Go girl and I'm sure you will fly - with the help of your DH who sounds as if he will be really supportive. Good luck to you all - you deserve it!

Thank you! I think sometimes just need reassurance because the narrative that choosing work over kids (although there are many reasons at play for me, but still) is somehow wrong and makes you a bad mum. I guess deep
Down I feel guilty for feeling ambitious and be willing to sacrifice time with the kids for time pursuing career ambitions. I genuinely LOVE spending time with my kids, they’re delightful and so much fun and I love them more than I can say, but I feel unfulfilled if my work is not challenging and somewhat inspiring. I never thought I’d be that way, I always saw myself as more mother earthy, so It is a surprise to me that I crave career success as much as I do. Not always easy to reconcile that desire with the desire to be there for the kids.