Perspective lost. What can I do with divorce, relocation, custody and work

[Plankt0n]

Hi,

This is my first post and I am not familiar with using online forums so don't know the format or etiquette. I am also a man. I have also been in what I now realise was a 12 year abusive relationship, am in the process of getting a divorce and think my perspective is so skewed by my experiences that I do not trust my own judgement or know what to do next.

Background first - I met my wife at work and fell in love. Within weeks she had moved in to my flat claiming she was fleeing an abusive partner. She quickly became possessive and jealous of my time and exercised what I realise now were manipulative and controlling behaviours.

Initially she would try to keep me from going out to work by cancelling my alarm or texting to say I was sick. This escalated to harming herself when I went out. She even started attempting suicide. At the time I thought she had become ill and I wanted to help. I imagined it was the result of the trauma experienced in her previous relationship and she could recover. (She has Borderline Personality Disorder I later found).

The behaviour got worse. She used to keep me up talking about her needs night after night and would cry if I tried to sleep. She started carrying knives and several times took me hostage. I had to call the police and eventually she was sectioned.

By this time I was a bit of a wreck and heavily invested in helping her. She had somehow persuaded me I was responsible for her problems to such an extent that if I left her she would die and it would be my fault. She started to become more aggressive and when I did try to flee she would smash things, take overdoses, chase me in the car, break down doors…etc….

I don't know why I then married her, but by then everything I did was an effort to keep her 'stable' and unconsciously to keep us safe. Giving her more commitment tended to pay dividends. I like to imagine it was something like Stockholm syndrome as the other explanation is that I am a weak fool.

Over time the overt physical signs diminished but she continued to work on me psychologically and emotionally. She discharged herself from mental health services in 2010 and by then I was unable to ask for external help/ unconvinced it would do any good. I think by then I was completely lost.

Two years ago she seemed on the brink of displaying physical aggression in front of our kids so I asked for a divorce. We had talked about it often but I felt unable to leave her custody of the kids and I think we both believed a court would take her history into account. However she was able to keep her records out of court and made her own allegations (essentially a role-reversal between us without the violent outbursts). My solicitor advised the court would likely disregard both her account and mine or worse, believe her over me. I made a deal outside court as a result.

Now she and her parents have taken my children across the country. I can have 6 out of 14 days custody if I relocate on a quick timescale. So far I have found a job but it will be difficult to manage school runs so I will need childcare.

I believe at some time in the future my ex is going to repeat her pattern and my children will need a safe place. I miss them terribly and would want to be there in any event.

If I accept the job, I will need to rent somewhere and find a child-minder able to help 2 days a week but don’t even know where to start. I have asked my prospective employer about flexibility so may have blown that opportunity.

Financially this move will ruin me and I am not sure what I will be able to provide in terms of housing and quality time. I am also aware that further legal conflicts are likely but thus far I have been unable to fight and have made excuses for myself about the potential harm to my children if it all came out in this way or how she would react if she ‘lost.’

Has anyone any experience of this or any practical advice I can use?

Sorry if this post makes little sense.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and you really need legal advice - if you can afford it, an alternative to the solicitor you already have?

A court would certainly take into account the safety of the children, but would also look at other factors, such as the support you both have in place and, depending on their ages, the wishes of the children.

More information can be found here:

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/change-or-enforce-an-order

If moving will bankrupt you, it's not really feasible, particularly if you're going to have to pay for further court action in the near future. You can go to court to change the custody arrangement you have in place but, as I said, you really should take further advice on this, from an experience family law solicitor.

If you do decide to move, don't let your ex set the timetable. You need to find a job and somewhere suitable for you and the children to live.
These things take time and it is reasonable for you to explain this (through your solicitor, if necessary). The threat of withdrawing access to your children should not be used to get you to move quicker than you are reasonably able to.

Yes, you will have to find childcare which, although annoying, is do-able. (There are lots of options, depending on their ages and your needs, e.g. childminders who will pick the children up from school and look after them until you get home from work, after school clubs / breakfast clubs, a nanny etc.)

If both you and your ex are in agreement that you will look after the kids for 6 days our of every 14, ensure you get a court enforcement order to formalise the arrangement.

Document absolutely every interaction you have with your ex (face-to-face, telephone, text, messages sent via 3rd parties, like her parents), and anything your children may say (obviously don't take notes in front of the kids!), or any changes in behaviour you notice.

Your ex clearly needs help but, I would suggest you may also benefit from some form of therapy, to help you work through everything and find the best way forward?

Thanks for your reply,

I think my ex hopes to delay my move in order to argue for reduced contact/ full custody in future. She will not negotiate to sell the house which is in need of remedial works following a botched extension. She will not agree to raising a small mortgage for repairs either (otherwise I would rent it out). Her strategy seems to be to delay the settlement and obstruct contact in order to argue that sharing custody would be too big a change for the children by the time I get there.

The legal costs thus far have exhausted my savings so I am thinking of representing myself in future hearings. Is this as bad an idea as it sounds? I am also considering requesting details from the police re: call outs even though they were a long time ago. What would help most of all would be the forensic psychology report in her records indicating she should not be responsible for working with children...but I don't know how or if I can get hold of it. There is other evidence out there but I am unsure how to track it down. I have no real proof and none is available from about 2011 onwards.

I am trying to walk a delicate line. If I succeed in gaining the upper hand in court, I feel certain it will precipitate a volatile response. So far, my children are not aware of her condition (which we have both denied in one way or another). I would prefer it if they never needed to be. I hope for a working settlement which prolongs her stability but ensures a strong safety net for my children should she go into crisis.

Thank you for suggesting it but I have considered therapy and even thinking about it makes my stomach churn. I feel a lot of shame for having allowed myself to get into this situation and cannot explain some of the obviously poor choices I have made to myself, let alone to someone else.

Thanks again for the response. I will follow your advice re: recording all interactions. Hopefully I have not blown the job offer and can sort out child minders once I have a place.

I would strongly urge you to employ an experienced solicitor rather than represent yourself. They (should) know the processes, understand what information to have and when, and how to present the facts in the best possible light to try to get the solution you require. They won't always be successful, of course but, in general, I think it is best to have a professional in these circumstances. Have you looked into whether you are eligible for legal aid? Also, could you suggest mediation to your ex (I really don't know the cost of this, but surely it would be cheaper than court?)?

I have tried to get legal aid but the two firms who provide it have already met their quota. My ex attended court ordered mediation prior to our last hearing but was not willing to make any proposals of her own or accept any of mine.

It is difficult to employ someone who earns your monthly salary in just a few hours. So far I have spent £13k and if I spend what little I have left will be unable to relocate prior to settlement which could still be a year away.

Is there a way to get advice about what is needed/ processes without them completing the expensive administrative tasks?

You asked for a practical advice - here is some advice for you to consider, which may also help you with the process because it won't be an easy one, but trust me, it'll be a good start.

1. Focus on you at this point of time. You went through a lot, I guarantee that. At the moment it seems to me that you want to solve everything with one answer but there isn't any. Focus on your health, well-being, keep a journal, write letters to your children and keep them to read in the future, thus aiding perspective. Plus, children DO grow up and can make an impartial decision of what is good for them as an adult.

1. Try many forums, not just Mumsnet. Access as many sources of support for fathers. Don't rely on one medium, to balance your perspective and to offer you some help from alternative sources.

1. Throughout this time, where we are unable to solve the problem immediately, it is really important to maintain a sustainable healthy habits to deal with challenging times because it makes you accept that some results can take time, therefore by maintaining a healthy lifestyle, you are allowing yourself to heal from the tragedy and you are also improving your influences for making future decisions.

1. Have empathetic and helpful support groups in the real world. This could mean a neighbour, old friend, church, gym buddies. WHY? because there are people out there who may have a similar, if not worse, situations and perhaps they can share a light.

1. Have time to reflect alone. Allow yourself to heal alone and re-set your mind. These methods can help you deal and accept the things you cannot change and also allow you to ask yourself 'what you may want for yourself' in the future.

1. Keeping a positive mind may not be enough but acknowledging that life WILL always have ups and downs, whether you are rich or poor. Having to see the bigger picture will prevent you from self-pity and dwelling, which are both unproductive right now for you.

1. Read online stories of others who may have similar situations. These are my coping mechanisms too.

Last but not the least,

1. Breathe. People who suffered a lot of abuse have had challenges in breathing at some point in their lives because when you are anxious, we either breathe slower or worst, we breathe fast. Breathing or meditation really helps you feel that 'self-care is the most important thing' because you are pausing FOR YOU.

Listen, none of what I mentioned CAN solve your problems, BUT I am from a challenging background and these techniques continue to help me keep my sanity and I can only hope it can shed some light on your issue.

Sincerely,