Anyone turned around a bad relationship with a boss?

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

I'm not in a good place with my relationship with my line manager and pre lockdown, was active on the market trying to get a new job which has obviously all now been put on hold.
I'm now realising I may have to work with this person a bit longer, and was wondering if there is any comeback from being in a bad place with your boss?
We used to get on better but in the past six months or so, things have become strained. I'm given vague or limited instructions but then told off when, after the event, I've not done things exactly the way my boss would have done. Also on a number of occasions she's sent an email telling me off for something without speaking to me first, on one occasion she'd got the wrong end of the stick and when I have asked her to please speak to me first if she thinks I've done something wrong, she's said she will but then not done so.

She also takes over pieces of work I'm doing or responds to clients after I'm already dealing with an issue, ignoring the fact that I'm already dealing it therefore making me feel undermined.

Whenever I've tried to discuss these issues she's said she doesn't understand what I mean or why it's an issue, which I am now realising is her stock response for 'go away, I don't want to hear about it' (she doesn't ever ask further questions to try and understand what I mean for example). Last time, she just sent me an email saying I was constantly criticising her and no one else had ever criticised her so much!

So there is a fair bit of tension between us now and I'd like to somehow turn it around and get things in a better place, as they were earlier in my working relationship with her. But am I flogging a dead horse and expecting the impossible here? Not sure if she is open to any feedback whatsoever without reacting badly. What's the best way to get through this without going insane? I'm getting depressed at the thought of not being able to leave, but a job is a job in these times.

I had a manager like this. she micromanaged me all the time. Did not like any feedback or disagreements on how I thought we should do things, even though I actually had more experience in the industry.

In the end, I left for my own management position. I toughed it out for a year but I have a strong personality and strong opinions so it was never going to work with us. she wanted an employee who would say yes all the time without question.

It sounds like your manager is the same so it's a question of whether you actually feel you can do that.

It sounds like your manager is the same so it's a question of whether you actually feel you can do that.

Historically, no but I'm up for the challenge of learning now to deal with her now it seems I have no choice but to stay. I'd leave tomorrow if I could but Coronavirus put paid to that. So I have to suck it up and see it as a learning opportunity!

If you are in a larger company, do they offer mediation? Or do they offer an in house coaching facility? Either of these might help you get through.

You already know this is a tight spot you are in and I would like you, be looking to get out, hopefully the thought that you will move on some day makes it more bearable. I hope you are able to switch off from work as this situation can feel very personal and become very stressful.

Is there any opportunity for movement in the company? These are unprecedented times that might allow for you to volunteer to do other things or move role.

I am sure some people are or will be recruiting. Don't give up the search.

Keep a good written record of your work. Try to get instructions in writing or summarise them back. Up your contact - request meeting more frequently with your boss even if it wrecks you! Use the meeting to go over your workload to show you are on top of it and organised. Ask for input, flatter. Offer your opinion, but do things the way your boss says, they are the boss. Something that can improve a toxic situation like this is good and frequent communication and following the hierarchy.

They go low, you go high. Always be courteous and professional, always acknowledge your boss' status as line manager.

Good luck.

If you are in a larger company, do they offer mediation? Or do they offer an in house coaching facility? Either of these might help you get through

I'm actually a trained mediator myself and know that mediation only ever has a chance of working if both people are willing to engage, she isn't. I think our EAP do offer mediation though so if things get worse I suppose it's a possible option

Is there any opportunity for movement in the company? These are unprecedented times that might allow for you to volunteer to do other things or move role.
None whatsoever, and that's another reason why I am looking to leave. Basically I've outgrown the role and there's nowhere for me to go. I only took this role because it was very family friendly/flexible and I was putting my family first, but my kids are getting bigger now and it's time to get my career back on track. I really am ready to work at my boss's level now... probably she senses this and feels threatened by it.. but I've cut my losses with my current company and was itching to move on, had had some interviews etc and if no virus would probably be in another, better role right now!

There's every chance I may be made redundant as besides the relationship issues there are genuine reasons why my role may no longer be required, but it's by no means a certainty. Boss would need buy in from above to do this though. So I don't want to rock the boat at all if I can just learn to handle her better.

I have been where you are, with some of the exact same problems.

I was pregnant at the time things were at their worst and the stress was really taking a toll so I was forced to raise it with HR, having tried to resolve directly with my Boss first. I’m a pretty tough person, but it was just so confidence sapping, I couldn’t sleep and my blood pressure was through the roof.

They set up mediation and I approached it positively, just wanting to get things resolved as the issues were basically caused by simple misunderstandings and others whispering in my boss’s ear to try and cause trouble for their own benefit. Really small things totally blown out of all proportion.

But as you say, mediation only works if both people are willing and my boss just wanted to use it as a session to attack me and carry on with more of the same in front of an audience, regurgitating all my ‘crimes’, which were largely doing what he had asked me to on a number of occasions and him then forgetting he had asked me and telling me off for doing as I had been asked! Oh and raising that another issue he had a problem with with, was me ‘disappearing’ for 2 weeks - by which he meant I had been signed off sick by my doctor with stress caused by my boss so I hadn’t been working while I was sick! This wasn’t tackled at all by either HR or the mediator. I wasn’t really given a chance to set out what the issues were from my side that we needed to find a way forward on. It was awful. A really bad experience that actually accelerated his behaviour I suppose because he felt his behaviour had been endorsed.

I would love to hear a positive story where the relationship has been salvaged but I think in most cases there is no going back.

I have refused mediation with my line manager as mediation implies both parties are equally affected or equally contributed and neither is the case in my situation. I had a complete breakdown.

I am loving lockdown but live in fear of what happens next.

I've made a sort of plan to help myself though.

I have gotten myself a journal and I will try to write down my emotions and keep a record of what will happen.
I've updated my CV and I've reached out to people on LinkedIn.
I've signed up to numerous job sites.
I've done a few distance learning courses to broaden my skills.
I play some uplifting music every day.
I binge watch netflix as a distraction.
When back at work, I will take my full lunch break and try to take as many tea breaks as I can. I will text or phone my DH whenever I can to help me calm down if I feel upset.
Remind myself it is no longer my career for life and I'll get out one day.

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP where you say that mediation only works if both people are willing to engage. This won't improve if she isn't willing to do anything.

She sounds pretty bad tbh - how unprofessional as a manager to send you an email saying you're constantly criticising her!

I'd put your energy into getting a new job.

It's typical, whenever I raise anything she DARVOs me (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) and says I'm stressing her out. My favourite was when she told me to just stop thinking about it!

Yeah I'm gonna try and get through the summer get my savings up and hope to get a job elsewhere. Bad timing eh!

I could have written your post .. it’s hard and corona is making it worse ,, my escape plan is probably closing due to probable tougher job market . Watching with interest .