DW going back to work on Monday...

[DaDaDa]

She's very anxious; about being able to do her job as well as she used to, but mostly about how DS will cope at the childminders. He's 11 months and a complete ball of energy, currently very clingy anyway and just about to start walking.

Yesterday he was at CM's for half an hour without DW and when she got back he was so upset he was hyperventilating.

I'm trying to reassure her everything will be OK and he'll adjust to the CM's routine, but I haven't a clue if that's true or not!

So, for any WOHM's who've just gone back:

1. Any tips for making the transition easier for DS?
2. What did you want to hear from/ have done by your DP to help you get back to work with as little upset as possible?

I went back at 11months and in some ways it is harder as the baby is more aware of your absence.

It sounds like a settling in period would be useful i.e. leaving ds for a bit longer each time. This is for your benefit as much as his, as they don't have the same concept of time as us. Also, could a favourite soft toy be taken along?

As you are asking, the best thing of all dh did for me was to be the one to drop off ds. All I had to do was leave the house while ds was still happy with dh and it was dh who then had to do the actual leaving of ds with someone else. This kept me shielded and helped reduce my anxiety.

Is there any way you could arrange your working hours to do this?

DaDaDa - i'm a SAHM so can't offer any real help but wanted to say how brilliant it is that you're being so supportive of DW and the situation.

I have looked after other peoples DC and those who are generally tearful at drop off settle very quickly even if they have to be prised away from mum/dad. Generally 5 mins and all is well. I do find that DC respond better when they are aware of what is happening. They know they are going to CM and mummy will be working but will come and pick them up later. It's also better for mum to say goodbye rather than sneaking off and DS will get used to this very quickly. If DW is really worried about how DS is doing she could ask the CM to call with a progress report around half way through the session to ease her conscience.

Best of luck and i'm sure DS will settle well and quickly

I went back very early (and in the first case with a huge sigh of relief to get away from the bewildering baby - I think I had mild PMT tbh); but I think that the best thing you can probably do, as a partner, is that 'bracing yet sympathetic' approach...you know, saying 'I know you are finding this difficult but I also think he is absolutely fine once he's there' and so on.

hi, from a cm's perspective... your ds is very young and is used to just mummy and daddy i assume, so even mary poppins would be getting a hard time of it at first..you and you wife could speak to the cm and ask her what she can suggest to make it easier/less stressful for him and in turn will make it easier for you/your DW.

leaving your ds for a short period of time wouldnt have been enough for the cm to compose and distract your LO, so half or a full day would be better as she could get him out and about to park/group etc(suggest this too her), i have just started looking after my friends dd this week, her younger sis is with family and is very very unsettled, eldest wo i have is perfect..not saying im better but sometimes youve got to know and use the diversion tactics, ask you cm if she thinks she can resolve this, what she suggests ie: very quick drop off so ds understands mummy/daddy go's and he cant wrap you round his cute chubby little finger...best thing is talk, to cm, your wife, let cm put your minds at rest..good luck!

Sorry I can't advise on settling your DS in, but I really hope he does settle down soon.

I was prompted to post on here as as WOHM - I'm just so impressed that you're asking how you can help, and that in itself deserves loads of brownie points!

From a practical point of view, I'd say that if you can, take some of the domestic burden off her. If you can shop, cook or clean then do so, or even make her a cuppa or pour a glass of something cold when she gets in from work if you're there.

I'm sure you're probably super-domesticated anyway, but as my poor DH isn't, these are the sort of things I long for! (He did once clean the house when I was out, and I was flabbergasted - I'd much rather that than a bunch of flowers any day, but we have been married 18 years )

Good luck to you both, and just carry on being supportive, both practically and emotionally.

Agree with beansprout - what has kept us on the rails as a by-necessity-both-WOTH-fulltime household, has been dh doing 50% of the pick-ups and drop-offs. So you both get to know the CM, you both have an equal stake in your child's daycare arrangements, and if, God forbid, there are any problems, you can discuss them together from an equally informed perspective.
Is it feasible for you to consider flexible working if your normal working arrangements don't allow you to pick up/drop off currently?
He will adjust btw

I'd go further, actually, re point 2: I am sure you share domestic responsibility equally, but if that's slipped please do bring that back to an equitable balance. My partner doesn't take the domestic burden off me - it's his as well as mine.

And if you don't pay for a cleaner, this may well be the time to start. Saves a lot of hassle for both of you, and/or the knackered contemplation and ensuing wrangling about who's going to pick up the Hoover on a Saturday...

You're absolutely right - I've just been doing it all for 18 years so have inherited ownership!

Thanks all, didn't think this would get much response - great to see Mumsnet is still so supportive even with all the daftness currently going on!

He's been seeing CM off and on for a while at playgroups etc and time at her house with DW still there. She's very matter of fact about the whole thing, although I think she was apparently a bit shocked by just how vocal he can get! He's our pfb, so we're obviously panicking a bit. We've only just got him to nap in the house without WW3 breaking out, and now we're going to mess it all up!

I think beansprout might be right that it's harder at 1 year leave rather than 6 months. He's just so obviously got his own personality and likes and dislikes now.

I might be able to do some drop-off's, which I guess will be the most upsetting bit for DW, so I'll look into that.

Motherinferior, I have been employing the 'bracing yet sympathetic' approach at home. Little does she know I'm wringing my hands on Mumsnet, worrying almost as much as she is!

Bless you. I went back to work at 7 months and DS was fine, but now he's 12 months he's started to get clingy and gets really upset when we leave him - I think when they're around a year old is when the separation anxiety can set in so they're more aware of being left. I think when they're learning to walk they can get quite frustrated too. But my DS does settle quite soon after me or DP has left him - its horrible at first, but I've stayed and secretly looked peeped through the window and as soon as I'm not in the room he is fine and happily babbling away!

I was also worried about whether I'd still be able to do my job, etc and found that once I was back in the office it all flooded back and it didn't seem as though I'd been away for that long. And although I obviously do think about DS during the day, work takes my mind off missing him too much.

Good luck to your DW, its a big thing to leave your baby properly for the first time, but will be ok.

Very best of luck. It is extremely hard with your PFB, I remember it well. Mine is now in Yr4 at school and not visibly traumatised by it all
I'll be honest and say it was much harder for us to leave him than vice versa.
It sounds as though you already all know the CM well, and that's a huge plus.

Oh, and tell her to cut herself some slack on the engagement/productivity front at work. I was appalled at how much harder I found some stuff when I got back, initially at least. That gets easier too.

....although I still have those days when I feel I've failed both at work and at home. Most of the time it's fine, sometimes it all goes wrong, that's when you need a cuddle!

Agree that he will settle down quickly. It's a tricky age: DS screams when I leave for work and leave him with DH, who has looked after him regularly since he was born . A few minutes and he's fine again. It's just that they're really attached to their mum at this age. Talk with your cm and agree strategies - would second that 1/2 hour not long enough. Leave for half a day and keep your mobile on so your cm can ring if there is a problem.

DS has been going to a cm for nearly 6 months and loves it. It's a good age to start doing new stuff and socialising with other children.

You'll propb find your DW is much more tired than she expects - be nice, cook (or get take-outs) and generally try and take some pressure off when she is home. I felt like I was working all the time - working at work and looking after DS at home - and never got a break. Just hacing the odd lie-in at the weekend when DH took charge was bliss.

I went back a couple of months ago when our DS was 11 months old (part time) and it was hard for me initially leaving him with the cm, even tho she is lovely. For the first few sessions I would leave this howling red-faced child and wonder what on earth I was doing! However, now when I take DS to the cm he can't wait to get out of the buggy to go and play with the toys, he gets on well with the other mindees and there's bearly a backward glance for me. It gets better

On the practical side, I would love DH to cook and help out a bit more on the domestic front, but I'm sure you'll both work that one out. It's also great to be able to de-brief about work stuff in the evening again, rather than the contents of PFB's nappy

One thing that is really worrying DW is that the CM has taken on another baby under 1 year old since we signed with her. She's apparently got a licence for that, but some other CM's DW has spoken to have raised their eyebrows at whether she'll be able to cope. DW has just been at playgroup with CM and the other baby and said she seemed to be struggling.

God I'm stressed out!

I'll be honest with you and say that would bother me too. Hmmm.

they do have to apply to a licence to have two kids under one (having twins i was turned down by a lot of CM's). OFSTED have to be happy they can cope before they grant one i think.

If you are worried, talk to CM, better to get it all off your chest before the first day than leave it festering.

It could be she has the other little un on days she doesn't have yours

Talk with your CM. If you're not happy, look at other options.

DW is raising her concerns this afternoon. Hope she's going to be diplomatic

The other baby seems to be a lot more passive than our DS from what we've seen. Ours is borderline manic, he's into everything all the time. I'm sure she'll just think we've over indulged him, but what can you do...

No, he's 11 months old. Unless you've been raising my DS on the quiet

will she be having both babies same days?, if so and you think you're ds may take a while to settle, i would really think about your choice of placing him there..i look after two toddlers(18 months and 22 months now) ive had them both about 7 months and they are truely adorable but a handful, i now make them have separate days, i do have older ones with them but to stressful with two babies/toddlers, for me anyway?..how did dw get on then?

The CM has been reassuring her a little, Pink Chick. I know everyone thinks their child is different, but DS is just such a handful - he never just sits and plays. I think the other baby is 5 days 8-4, our DS is 4 days 8-6.

I guess we'll just have to give it a go. Seems unbelievable to say that about something so important as your own son, but what else can you do?

I don't know if this will help or not DaDaDa, but here goes.

Dd started with a cm when she was 10 months old and just never really settled. She wouldn't sleep there, and so just got more and more upset by the end of the day. The cm obviously had other children there too after school, and couldn't pick dd up all the time as she was cooking etc.

After about 8 weeks, we all sat down and just agreed that it wasn't working. It was really hard because the cm was a friend of mine as well.

However, once we made the decision to move Dd, we found another childminder. It turns out to be a fantastic decision. The new childminder and Dd just clicked right from the start. She only had older children to start with which meant that Dd settled in really well. She now has more of a mix, but Dd is older and can cope with it now.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes cm placements don't work. That doesn't mean that other cm's are going to be the same. Sometimes the personalities of either children or adults just don't gel.

I still think that Dd is more suited to cm than to nursery, so we just held our nerve and found another one.

I hope it works out for you all.

Also just to reassure you, our current cm says that she is more tired on the days she has our dd than on the days when she has 3 other children . Like your ds, our dd just never stops!

Some children are just like that! You just have to find a cm with energy and enthusiasm levels to match an 11 month old.