Ds not settling with after school childminder don't know whether real problem

[TurnAgainCat]

After a lot of struggling, as not much is on offer where we live, I found a nice childminder who would collect ds from school and walk with him to her flat, from where I collect him. She is sensible, honest, decent, has 3 older children but no formal training. On rainy days they can't play outside, and the flat is not large. She is a bit of a soft touch, whereas I am very strict and school is strict too. So, ds has been playing up with her and having all his own way, and now it is getting too much for her. Her youngest is 13 years old and finding it hard having my ds round their flat after school. There is also a baby being minded 2 days a week. I really want this to work out, but she doesn't seem any good at disciplining him, so when I collect him after a long day at work, I get a long list from her of what ds is supposed to have done wrong, right in front of him, which makes him feel terrible, and she has even said to him that she won't want him to come any more unless he listens to her. Yesterday I said to her that if she wanted to give me notice, she would need to give me some time to find something else, and she said no, everything was all right. But, I don't like ds being made to feel that if the placement does not work out, it is all his fault. After all, she is the adult and it is her job to discipline him, and I have told him many times in front of her that he has got to respect and listen to her even if he does not like the rules. He has not got any behavioural problems and is doing very well at school. I really want this arrangement to work out, because the alternative is 2.5 times as expensive, but I don't want ds to be really unhappy. I came home and cried about this yesterday and ds said don't worry Mummy I will learn to get along with her son, it's not a big problem, it will work out.

Just wondering, what are your alternatives? Does the school do after-school clubs or care? Would it cost that very much more to have a language student or similar as a part-time after-school carer, just for ds (or shared with another schoolmate)? Only asking because it sounds as if the childminder isn't really that perfect - presumably your ds is shattered after school, so it would be normal not to be perfectly behaved, and I think it's out of order for her to threaten him with rejection (which is what she's doing) directly.

Oh honey, no words of advice but big sympathies. Poor both of you.

Binkie, you are as ever perfectly right - you should see my dd1 after a long day!

TurnagainstC... that bit about your ds saying 'I will learn to get on with her son' suggests there may be more to this, ie it may not be all your ds fault?

perhaps the older boy isn't being so nice etc... and your ds is just trying to stand up for himself?

Either way I would talk to your ds, and find out what is really going on, you may find a totally different story from the one that the childminder is telling.

Bit of further thinking. Realise my message sounded as if sending you back to square one, rather than ideas for where you are now. So: on the basis you would really like this arrangement to work:

• yes, definitely do investigate the remark about the son;

• consider giving her a note of what you expect your son to comply with - what your standards for him generally are - and tips on how you manage him. It sounds a bit formal, but it's what I did for our new nanny (after asking her whether she would like it) and she was very happy with it. It was also a helpful exchange for me, because the very fact that she was so keen to know what I did and how made me feel so much more confident that she and I were on the same team;

• identify one or two key issues - doing homework? table manners? you don't say quite what the problems are - and agree with the childminder and your ds just to work on those, while (for the moment) letting others wait their turn; and

• if you aren't actually at make-or-break point now, give it some time? New relationships are often slow to sort themselves out - and I feel (again based on our new nanny arrangement) that if both sides are ready to be flexible to try to settle in then in due course it will.

Sorry that things are so tricky at the moment, but while you are looking at your options, maybe phone your childminder one evening end explain that if your son has done anything that she isn't happy about, could you discuss it when he isn't around. Perhaps you could phone her everyevening after he has gone to sleepor, if he goes to bed late, phone her everymorning when you get to work. I hope things settle down soon.

Thanks for good advice everyone. My childminder actually rang me up herself yesterday afternoon and we had a chat about it; we had bumped into her grownup daughter on our way home on Tuesday, and they had obviously had a chat together and she was worried that I was upset. The real story is that she doesn't have a good disciplinary technique and so ds has been having a field day getting up to all sorts of nonsense like deliberately dropping food on the floor just to test out her reaction. We agreed that she needs to give him clear boundaries and limits, use incentives rather than just telling him off at a late stage, and also set up a routine, eg if he refuses to hang up his coat, then she won't be getting the toys out, or if he is not being gentle with the baby, then she won't be taking him to the park, or, because he has been so good, today they are going to read some more stories together, etc. When I picked him up yesterday she said that she had tried a few of these things, and he had been very good, and he was much happier as well. I think we will have to work on it all together over the next few weeks, but it is going to be OK. I am also reassured that she really does want to do the job longterm, and is not going to give up at the first difficulty that arises.