Settling baby into nursery

[Eulalia]

Has anyone here put an older child into nursery? I have a place for my child when he turns 2 (in July) and I also have a job interview coming up (full-time). I am concerned because he is so used to being at home that he may take it badly.

Also we plan to have another baby but I am not sure about when to do that. Two kids at nursery would be expensive but I wonder at what age my son could go to a state nursery? Perhaps I should just do the job for a year and give it up or would this just cause a lot of disruption for my son. The job is a starting salary of 15K and the nursery fees are £115 a week. I worked out that it would take up half of my salary. I could actually earn more working in a supermarket in the evenings as I'd have no childcare costs. However obviously this wouldn't be so enjoyable but then again I'd not need to work so many hours to earn it. Does anyone have any thoughts about a minimum figure to make it worthwhile doing full-time work?

My husband is keen for me to get a job and said he would help out with the housework. But in reality would this be the case as he is so used to me doing all of it now. Anyone else had experience of this? Also he is renovating our house so help at the weekends would be miniminal. I forsee myself spending all week working and all weekend doing the housework all for the sake of £100 a week. We could do with the money but are managing to struggle on just now. Am I being too negative. Perhaps I might enjoy the job - should I just think about now rather than trying to plan the future too much? I have awful thoughts too of my son hating nursery and me feeling dreadful. These are not helped by a friend at playgroup who thinks it is "unnatural" leaving kids at nurseries all day. Allright for her as she has a rich husband.

Any thoughts would be helpful as I have such mixed feelings just now. I know I've not got the job yet but I want to be prepared. Thanks.

I couldnt bear the thought of going to work and leaving my son with other people (he is just over 7 months) so I have found a part time job where he comes with me. Have you considered this, perhaps being a nanny yourself. The money is good nowadays and if you are the right person they will not mind your child going with you, sometimes they like the company for their children. Try the agencies in your local yellow pages.

Joe - I couldn't bear the thought of it at 7 months either but he is now 21 months I do find him quite a handful. However I would much rather do part-time work. I am finding it impossible to find p/t work other than supermarkets, bars etc or in the day-time doing some office work which again wouldn't be worth the money.

I take it that you are a nanny? Surely most people would want you to work full-time? Do you go to their house or does the child come to you? I don't know if there is a big enough market here in Aberdeen. I'll consider it though. Thanks.

yes I am a nanny, I look after school age children so have all the day to myself, go to their house in the morning, pick them up in the afternoon and stay with them till around six most nights and only 4 days a week. You will be surprised how many people need somebody when you start looking into it.

I went to work 2 weeks after having Jack (the minimum legal requirement for maternity leave). I felt well enough to work more or less straightaway, which I wasn't expecting, I thought I would be ill for months! I was told so many horror stories!. Anyway, he was with my Mum some of the time and at nursery the rest. Eventually he was at nursery 4 days a week, from the age of 2 weeks. And despite all the rubbish I was told that he wouldn't recognize his own mum (an accusation nobody made at my partner!), it didn't do him any damage at all.

He settled in fine. I am sure your baby will be fine as well. It is no different to sending them off to school, except it is happening earlier that's all!

My main concern is when we have our 2nd child. We won't afford 2 nursery places and so I would just have to give up work again in say another year. My husband thinks it would be a good idea for me to have a period of working which is all very well but I think it would be terribly upsetting to get my son used to a nursery only to just take him out of it again.

Joe It's interesting to hear that you work part-time as a nanny and are able to take your child with you. It sounds ideal and your child probably benefits so much from having the company of other children. I would be interested to hear how you got started. Did you train first or have you had previous nanny experience?

Esme - I havnt had any training other than with my own child, being a big sister and the fact kids seem to really like me (probably, as my husband puts it, im the biggest 33 kid he has met). I do hold a first aid certificate though which I think is very important. There are lots of agencies, some people like you to have training some just like to have the right person for their children regardless. I found my family through the local paper and the children interviewed me too. My son enjoys being there and I love having him with me.

Eulalia, you say you're worried how your son will react if you put him in nursery now, and possibly take him out later if and when you have another baby. From the age of 14 months, our eldest son had a variety of child care arrangments: first a neighbour who was his childminder for a year, then two different college nurseries, as my student husband undertook various part time/full time courses. Then, at the age of three and a half, my son went part time, (last term before school full time) to a state nursery. He settled in well at all places, and it was nice for us to feel that throughout those first five years, there were long spells when he was back with one parent for a good chunk of the day.

Our son was always very sociable, and this helped a lot. I'm not sure how well a quieter child would cope. We also chose the nurseries etc with care. It wasn't all plain sailing. There were times when I would have loved to have had him at home, and times when he didn't want to go to nursery, but on the whole he liked it - and repeatedly told us so.

Thanks Tigermoth. I think I'd feel better if I could ease him into it. He spends all the time with me and it would seem like going from one extreme to the other. I appreciate that he could be more flexible as he gets older. I wonder if I should really get a part time job first. Anyway will see how I get on at the interview and I've still to visit the nursery.

Eulaila, another thought. You may have done this already but if not, you could try leaving your son in a suitable leisure centre creche (or a church creche, if you go to church) for an hour or so, while you go off. You'll be called if he gets upset. I did this with my son early on because I knew I would definitely have to return to work, and I thought this was one way of breaking him in gently to a nursery routine. I must admit there were sometimes tears when I left him. The creche workers said they quickly cleared up once mummy was not around and all those new toys were discovered.

Eulalia, our children have had a variety of different childcare arrangements, (looked after by dad/other relative/childminder/nursery/me at home full time) and on the whole they've taken the changes pretty smoothly.

Tigermoth - it is hard to find any kind of creche where you don't have to pay quite a bit. Even £2 is a lot when you don't earn. To make it worthwhile I'd have to do it on a regular basis so he was used to me being away. There are playgroups where you can leave them which are a bit more expensive than the ones I am going to now (about £6 a term). These start around age 2.5 (usually when potty trained). Otherwise I have to rely on family which is difficult. The current playgroup I go with him and have a 10 min teabreak away from him. He has been once on his own when a friend took him for me when I was really ill. She made such a fuss about it though that I didn't dare to ask again. I would happily take her boy and vice versa on a rota basis - at least then one of us would get 2 hours free every week.

Anyway I digress. I'd rather do what Suew mentions and start off gradually. I think also that age 2 is a difficult age what with temper tantrums and kids just starting to learn about themselves to suddenly put him into a nursery for 7.5 hours a day. That is what my initial question was about - had anyone put their child in at this age. It seems not, and that everyone who has responded has started getting their kid used to other arrangments much earlier. This is my main concern.

Eulalia,

My son was with me nearly constantly until he was almost 2 1/2. Then we moved here (London) and found a wonderful nanny share for one day a week. There were a lot of tears at first and he cried when he left for a while, but it ended up being a wonderful experience for him.

The only reason we ended it is that he started going to nursery two days a week when he was a couple months shy of 3. He started after a month long holiday in the US and it was quite hard at first. Going only two days a week, he didn't have a chance to settle in quickly. However, it, too, is a wonderful experience for him now (5 months later-- it got better a while ago.. it didn't take 5 months!). He asks to go every day and even sometimes after he takes a nap!

It's really rewarding to see him making new friends and watching him learn stuff I'd never think to teach him. Plus, the nursery is good at all the things I'm not-- most notably arts and crafts!

I'm not sure I could take him out of it. In July he'll start going 3 mornings and one full day a week. His teacher and I both think it will become even more fun for him. I'll still get to have him in the afternoons and one day a week, so it won't be too traumatic for me. We're expecting a baby in early Oct and are working things around that.

Sorry I don't know about your other questions! Hope things work out.

Don't forget that the financial 'hardship' will only be a temporary one (that's what I've been telling myself for the last 6½ years!). My youngest starts school in september, he started his latest nursery age 2 yrs and loves it, at the same time he went from going 5 mornings to 4 mornings and 1 full day, he coped really well with the extra time. If you have any nurseries in mind you could always look up their ofsted reports on www.ofsted.gov.uk.

Have you contacted your local education authority? The Pupil Admissions Office should be able to let you know whether there are any state nurseries in your area and at what ages they can start.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks for the input everyone. I visited the nursery today and was not impressed. The living area is very small and the whole place reeked of sour milk! I don't think the carpets had been replaced in years. The manager said it was very homely but that shouldn't mean smelly! Also the toddlers have to sleep on the floor in the same area as the kids who are awake. The garden was tiny too. We are definately giving it a miss and I will only take this job (if offered) if we can find suitable childcare. As my interview is in 6 days time I think this is unlikely.

After today's experience we are seriously considering building our own nursery! We have 0.75 acres of land at our new property. It is 6 miles from the nearest town so not sure if we'd get enough custom. But perhaps could get country people coming into work at the nearest city dropping their kids on the way, particularly if we offer cheaper rates than the city nurseries. Anyone know anything about setting up a nursery?

ICS do a diploma course that includes everything for running your own nursery, child care, first aid, working with parents etc. Costs about £400.00 and you study from home. They advertise in most papers.

Eulalia

There are books available about how to set up a Nursery. One book is: Starting A Nursery by Martin Pace. You can read a FREE sample of it at:
www.nursery-world.com/bookshop/tryit/startingnursery.pdf

There are also courses/workshops...
www.nursery-world.com/training/courses_and_conferences/main.asp

And while you are at it... subscribe to Nursery World - it's the trade magazine, and thus the links above are from their website (www.nursery-world.com) - you can get a FREE copy of the magazine if you click on the FREE ISSUE link on the home page.

Nick

Thanks Joe and Nick - will have a look at the info. My job interview is Thur so can't make any decisions till after then.

Well, my baby (8 months old) has now been in nursery for two months and I STILL cry when I leave her! She just seems so unhappy - I know she does stop crying after I go but the workers say that she wants to be cuddled all day long and cries whenever she is put down. She's always been a bit like that but at home now she is getting more and more independent and will sit and play happily for half an hour or more where she feels secure. She also eats MASSES more at nursery than at home which I find a bit odd!

How do I know if it's just the wrong nursery, if nursery is wrong for her or if it's just me being an over anxious mother?

Oh, Nusch, how distressing for both of you. I had a similar experience in that my son (at the same age) just did not seem to settle with his childminder, who came highly recommended and was very experienced. She too commented on his clinginess and although he did stop crying after I'd gone, she once made me wait in the hall out of sight, and it took him a good ten minutes to settle. It was this that finally made me decide that she and he were wrong for each other.
When they comment about your daughter, do they seem to be saying to you, she is clingy and this is not right? Or, she is clingy and we think she's a cuddly little poppet? You ought to have a keyworker for her there (a designated member of staff who is responsible for keeping an eye on her well-being and development) and I would start by having a chat with this person, or with the nursery manager if they don't have a keyworker system. If the nursery is a good one, they should be happy to discuss your daughter with you honestly and maybe come up with strategies to help you cope with the separation in the mornings (both of you...).
I got none of this objective advice from my childminder, just a lot of thinly veiled contempt for refusing to give up breastfeeding. Amazing how some childminders can meet all the statutory requirements, be raved about by some parents and still have sociopathic tendencies!
However, when I got him a place at his current nursery, both the baby room staff and the manager had loads of sensible advice to offer about settling him and feeling better about the whole situation myself. He settled there within days.
Every time I have the mildest concern about his development, I can talk to them about it. If you feel you are not getting this level of feedback, ask for it and then see what happens, sometimes you do need to ask. If you are at all worried that they might think you are challenging them professionally, get someone to come with you to the appointment (partner? another mum?).
I know from experience that it can take a lot of courage for a new mum to raise these issues - and that it can be extremely hard to sort out in your own mind whether your worries are justified or whether it's just a phase.
Sorry - this is quite a long post.
If it is any comfort, of my NCT group, all four mums who went back to paid work had changed their childcare arrangements within 3 months. None of us got it right first time! What I'm trying to say is, it is not a crime to have not found the right daycare solution straight off, so it is not admitting defeat to change your arrangements if you have misgivings which are not answered properly by talking to the staff. Start by talking to them.
Good luck, thinking of you.
PS I also got my husband to do the morning drop. If that is an option it really helped all three of us.

Nusch - Marina is right. Just one more thing, how do you know she eats masses at the nursery? If you don't actually see it yourself, I'd be pretty sceptical. I once had my children in a nursery for a short time that I wasn't at all happy with. They certainly used to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear.
I once stuck with an unsatisfactory childcare arrangement for several weeks because I was afraid to change ("what if they don't settle with the new one either?"), now I regret being such a coward.

Thanks, Marina, I really appreciated your thoughtful post. I have arranged to have a chat with the main baby room worker and manager next week to "see how things are going". They've generally been very supportive and undefensive, I think the problem is more that they've seen all this so many times that they don't always seem to be focussing on my totally unique special baby!!! ("Oh, she's not the worst we've had, I remember once..."). They have been very supportive of me keeping breastfeeding, though, which is one reason I chose that nursery. I'm glad to hear that it's not the end of the world to change providers, though, if it isn't right for her at the end of the day!

My comment about the food was because I send about half as much again as she would eat at home and the staff say things like, We had to give her her yogurt at 9.30, she was SO HUNGRY. Maybe it's normal for babies to behave differently at nursery than with their mums? (in terms of food, sleep, play...everything!) eg she likes water at home but not in nursery.

So I'm feeling more positive tonight but then I always do on Thursday because we don't have to go back to nursery/work until Tuesday - hurrah!!

An update on the job situation. Had the interview on Thursday and got a phone call today saying I didn't get it. I am not too bothered as I wasn't terribly keen after the interview. Thaks for the help.