Mother of two young children who’s father took their own life at the result of a suspected gambling addiction - this was the reason for leaving him. I re-married a man who allegedly came from a good family with values and appeared to be a decent person only to find him having an affair before the wedding images came back. I do not make good choices and this is reflected upon my childhood and various issues with my parents. My dad was non-existent but now a permanent fixture being a good grandfather and a mother who conditioned me to believe if we did it have money, we had nothing. She is since living a life of material wealth and u willing to open her heart to my situation. I have found myself reflecting after a sad event which has recently happened to me and my family. I met a lovely decent man at work quickly after my second marriage failed. We hit it off and he’s everything I don’t normally go for or find drawn too. I have fallen deeply in love with him and are scared by how I feel. I had surgery which meant chances of conceiving after having my own kids were slim. We didn’t use precautions and fell pregnant. Months passed with complications and I sadly gave birth to a beautiful baby born sleeping. I am still off work and feel very lost. My mother is very unsupportive as she doesn’t like my new partner, she is waiting on the relationship collapsing as per the other ones. She fees picking up the pieces is too hard for her now.
Where I am I am questioning everything about me, my choices in life and what it is I am meant to be doing with myself. I also work in a difficult environment that makes my job intense and if I am not on point, it makes me vulnerable to threat of my safety.
My partner is struggling, we all are. At the moment members of his extended family are unwell, dying or have died. Financially I have no income other than my job and no money from my children’s father as he died young, no pension etc. So I have to work, going through this current trauma is making me feel displaced in my life and I need to realign but don’t know how without thinking I’m due to experience another level of trauma or f**k it up myself. I feel guilty about everything and everyone attached to me. I miss being relaxed and carefree, worrying about everything and everyone. Feel a bad mum and at current time in bed with shattering stress symptoms, my first period arrived after giving birth - I lost a lot of blood earlier and needed a transfusion. A new fresh blood loss is making me feel very light on my feet hence being in bed trying to find energy through rest.
I guess I need some help or impartial advice on where I go next. Usually my mother would step in here as every decision until recently I ran through her and without her consent I feel lost and on my own in many ways. Trying to be on my own is bewildering and tiresome. There is no support either other than my partner who I feel for, who are they leaning on for support?
Work are moving me also which I didn’t expect. Why in a time I need normality?
I’ve always been creative and feel overlooked at work due to this. With all that has happened, should I use this to make a change? A career change?
My family (partner and kids) mean the world to me. Even my dad has deliberating health at the moment so he needs care as he is on his own (mother has a new marriage). If I go back to work I don’t have the childcare I used to have also due to breakdown in family relationships.
I feel very lost by everything and have entered into counselling but it’s not becoming clear quick enough.
I don’t know - I’m scared of just losing at life and it all becoming too much.
Has anyone experienced similar if not some same circumstances and anyone got through it?
I’d appreciate the insight of how you got through feeling low. I feel so low and do not know what to do for the best. As you may can tell.