Bully boss - Help needed to prepare for a horrific meeting on Monday

[PIPERHELLO]

Hello all. I have an awful boss - a complete bully. An older man, very old fashioned and just awful generally. I have learnt to 'handle' him by basically standing up to him, which works Ok in a 1-2-1 setting, but is very tricky when there are others present as he operates by divine others and 'demanding' respect - for example he is titled and so insists for example that employees call him TITLE NAME. The patriarchy at its finest!!
On Monday, he has called me and three colleagues in for a meeting. I know this will be horrific because he will basically shout / be rude to us all, and because of the dynamic it generally ends up being (from others, not me) 'every woman / man for themselves'. He does everything to drive a wedge and nothing to bring us together.
I am just dreading Monday. I want no part in being turned against my colleagues, but also don't feel I can properly stand up to him in front of others. The other two women are nice enough, but will I know resort to 'scrapping' and throwing others under the bus so to speak so I can't bank on them behaving as I would hope for.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like coming up with an excuse not to be in the meeting ATM, which I know is not the answer.

The notepad idea is a good one. I did this a few years ago with a very bullying manager during a one to one. He asked me what I was writing down, I said what you are saying. He said stop writing. I asked why? He whittered on a bit more, but about absolutely nothi g, I wrote a bit more, then he ended the meeting.

Good luck!

So this is to plan something for the future not discuss something that has happened?
Then go in with a notepad and pen and take LOADS of notes. Pay attention to what he is saying and less about how it is being said. However, if he starts yelling/demanding etc. have no qualms about saying to him "As this meeting has turned into a shouting session, and unless anyone has anything else to offer to the meeting, I'm going to go...and make a start on X, Y or Z which has just been suggested" and then gather your stuff and start to leave. As you're leaving you could say "We will schedule another meeting for a weeks time when we can all discuss progress made" (or whatever suitable timeframe you are working to).
You could arrange with the other attendees that this is what you're going to do and agree that they will do the same if it goes in that general direction.

Good luck!

The other low-key but effective suggestion is to then send round a copy of your excellent notes and tell people they are the minutes, unless anyone has any corrections. Obviously the notes are written to suit your point of view, although remaining factual as well.

They then stand as the record of that event, should it be needed later down the line for any purpose.

I don't think I have ever seen someone front up and challenge the note taker after the event! Bullies are mostly cowards.

I used to have one that sounds just like this. I did actually find standing up to him in meeting got his respect too, but it was very much pick your time carefully, bar the one time when I'd come into work ill fir an important meeting as a favour & he was a total shit in that meeting, so I blew my top & told him to stick his job. That actually got me a raise & an apology. So don't presume.

An easier way to deal with it it your colleagues are generally okay, on the way out of the meeting would be a breezy "right, that went as expected. We aren't going to get the job done easily pitching against each other, so how about we put our heads together, pool our resources & work on it together. I'm sure they will be relieved as they are no doubt feeling as anxious as you. I've found this approach works well too

Cab you ask for an agenda, so that you can prepare? Then neutralise with "so as a team how shall we approach x" and as others have said agree outcomes. Then follow up with email in which points are agreed. So you'll look professional/ reasonable etc. Use we / as a team language and avoid anything personal. Focus on the common goal. Only imagine the revenge you wish to take. Plan something nice for Monday evening! Good luck. Don't let this dominate your weekend. He doesn't own your time off.

All buzz’s suggestions are gold. I suppose the only remaining point is is there anything re the event you need decided from him? You could calmly (picture yourself a huge melting block of ice) repeat yes, but as I said we really need x from you so Have you decided? Ah. Back to x, if you don’t have that now, when do you think you will have it? Back to x, shall I follow up with you on Wednesday then?

I suggest this because it helps you not get dragged into attacks on colleagues or have to respond if you have some things to just keep deflecting back to him. Take your notes, look politely enquiring. Choose the visualisations you like best(scribble them illegibly at the top of your notes as a reminder). I quite like picturing yourself standing up and calmly but firmly shooting them to the window , dissolving the glass and pushing them out. So sorry, management decision.

Ooooo I wish you'd say where you work. It sounds intriguing!

Sorry, I don't have any helpful suggestions, but good luck!

Hope your meeting went well today @PIPERHELLO

Thanks @WhatchaMaCalllit - very kind of you to remember. He was a dick, as expected. But perhaps not the colossal dick I had prepared for. I spoke at one point to clarify my understanding of something he had asked me to do, and he spoke to me as if I was 5. I am a highly educated woman, and thought - quite frankly - fuck this, I'm not having it, so I fought back. The others in the meeting were quite taken aback that I had stood up to him I think. One later told me privately that she had;t understood either. She is a bit pathetic, is v senior but completely cowed by him. Anyway, thanks for asking, all went OK, but I am trying to figure a way out of it...problem is it's nice and secure and although shit paying, it doesn't impinge on my mum time really. Sigh....

The moral of the story - as one wise mums netter once told me on a talk board - get a great education behind you, be financially independent, earn well, get secure fo you & your family, and make sure you have options. I am v lucky to have all those things, but it's still nerve wracking to think about leaving the security of a 'safe' job.

Happy Tues everyone.

That's a result and I'd chalk it down as one! Well done for questioning him or what he was saying.
Why oh why don't people when they are out of school say in the middle of a conversation "I'm sorry but I don't quite understand that. Can you perhaps explain it again please?" or even after a meeting approach someone and say "When you said X in the meeting, I didn't understand what you were getting at. Can you explain it to me?"

Nice one though!

She is a bit pathetic, is v senior but completely cowed by him.

Probably not the most sisterly thing to say about your colleague.

It’s ok to criticise a colleague - being “ sisterly” is just another version of “ be nice” (AKA put up with shit)