Hi all, not sure if this would be best placed in 'Pregnancy' or here.
Also not sure what I want from this, maybe just a listening ear, or sharing of similar experiences, or advice on what I should do next.
I'll start by saying I know as an adult I need to advocate for myself, and as a pregnant adult it shouldn't be up to my employer to check I'm OK. If I'm not, I need to be the one to speak up.
I'm 6 months pregnant. In a (sometimes) stressful job. I've been there 18 months and have enjoyed it overall. I am a one-person team, and I've built my function from the ground up. Always had positive feedback on my work. Small organisation, 35 employees. My line manager, who reports to CEO, is nice but very often gives huge pieces of work with very short deadlines. I have never missed a deadline even if its meant going to bed at 2am / working all weekend.
I made HR Business Partner - HR is led by just one person -, my line manager, and our CEO aware in person I was pregnant after 12-week scan, all fine, happy for me etc. Had a meeting with HR before Xmas once I'd sent copy of MATB1 to discuss provisional dates, again, all fine. They mentioned coming to them if I felt overwhelmed with work, or anything at all during pregnancy, great I thought - good to know there is pastoral care, and support if needed. Today I felt as if a tidal wave came over me - out of nowhere, I was crying uncontrollably and basically a complete state. This is what's happened...
I get on with my line manager but they are in meetings or on biz travel so often that we rarely see each other. I just carry on being autonomous and trying to show I can work independently to a high standard without any hand holding. Last year there was plans to expand the team to do more of the type of work I do, but nothing materialised.
Today had earmarked time at 9am to type up pre-Xmas discussion with HR and share with line manager to make them formally aware I intend to take 12 months off and when mat leave would provisionally start. Also included a request to meet to talk more in person about plans. Ended up being tasked via email at 9am with a huge piece of work with a deadline of next Monday (its achievable if I worked until midnight each night between now and then - and all weekend - I've decided I don't wish to put myself through this anymore) so the email about my meeting with HR wasn't sent (no big deal really, still have 12 weeks till my due date, probably not even relevant to story).
In a meeting with line manager later on this morning about the the latest task, I said "I'm really swamped at the moment, I hate saying this, but just wanted to make you aware I have so many things going on with competing deadlines..." and line manager just said "ok" and carried on talking about something else. I hate the fact I didn't force the conversation more, to clearly say I can't do this within that deadline so what can we work up instead, but could feel myself getting emotional so just left line manager thinking I could do it. Plus I hadn't expected to come out with that so had nothing properly prepared to state my case.
I took myself to the toilets and couldn't stop crying. All I could think about was all the deadlines I have and how I'll literally be awake every hour between now and when they are due next week actioning them. Then this 'mum guilt' came over me and I started thinking how the hell will I carry on like this with a baby at home? I left about an hour earlier than usual when hardly anyone was at their desk. Cried uncontrollably on the 1 hour commute. Messaged the team - including line manager - to say I'd felt really ill all of a sudden and had to go home. The more junior members responded with get well soons, nothing from line manager - still nothing now at 10.30pm.
Separately, in the past fortnight I've had so much work thrown at me direct from the CEO, and some snide remarks on my work. By snide I mean actually rude and not real feedback. I don't want to detail anymore incase it's outing. This has been via a messaging platform employees use or written across documents and left on my desk. They could have approached me, or asked me in to discuss? It just feels like the more pregnant I get (week by week I'm getting visibly larger) the more I have a target on my back from CEO, the more work that comes my way, and all of a sudden my work (based on CEO's comments) is no longer to a good standard? I think all of this has been festering in my head and this evening it bubbled over.
To add to complexities - HR Lead has been off for last 3 weeks on sick leave, not sure when they're returning. I'll log my sickness on the system tomorrow. With no HR Lead (at present) - what do I do? We have no dedicated Occ. Health dept (maybe we have an external partner offering this - I don't know). This is something HR Lead would point me towards I guess.
I just feel a bit lost - in an ideal word the impartial HR Lead would be around and I'd probably have requested a call with them (they're very approachable) this afternoon so it was recorded what led me to go home ill this afternoon.
I know first and foremost I should write down all the work I have on and schedule time with line manager to properly talk about it.
Thank you for reading if you got this far - sorry if this is rambling!