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Original poster

My guilty secret..

50 replies

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 13:16

I nearly changed my name for this, but what the hell....

I've read several threads lately concerning SAHM and working mums, including the current one 'in defence of working mums' and what with mention of financial necessity etc. they have made me wonder if anyone else shares my guilty secret.

I have a 12m DS and I work full time. DS goes to a nursery 7.30 to 6, 4 days a week and I work from home on a Friday and the grandparents take it in turns to look after him on this day (8.30 to 4.30) so I get a few more hours with him.

My secret is, that even if I could afford not to work (which at the moment I can't for various reasons, including pending redundancy for both DH and I) I would still want to work part-time. And this makes me feel so guilty.

But why do I feel guilty? DH earns considerably less than me, yet he is not made to feel guilty for working?? I can only think that it's because I am expected to want to be at home with DS full time, and yet this is not expected of my DH?

When I tell people that, financially, if anyone was to give up work it would be my husband, people give me 'that look' as if to say, 'Oh so you don't want to be at home with DS?'. This really annoys both myself (no, I hate my son really!) and DH as he would love to be a SAHD and hates people's prejudices on this subject.

Anyway, that's another thread altogether...

Don't misunderstand, ideally I wouldn't have to travel to London, so my working day would be a lot shorter, but I think being a SAHM and being a working mum are both incredibly hard in different ways, so I'd like to do a combination of both. I think this would be the best for my whole family.

Is there anyone else out there who feels the same.

I don't want to start another discussion on SAHM v Working mum, I just want to know if anyone else feels the same as me: Would like to work p/t,f/t even if they didn't have to for financial reasons, but is overcome by guilt for feeling this way.

What a long message! well done for getting this far....

OP posts:

pixiefish · 30/09/2004 13:48

Not having read the rest of this thread all I can say is that I hate having to work 2 days a week BUT my boss and the girl I jobshare with both have young children and can't understand me wanting to be at home.
So that's two to one ratio in my dept at school.
Each to his own I say... Different strokes for differnt folks.
If we were all the same the world would be a strange place. Don't feel guilty about enjoying your work.

aloha · 30/09/2004 13:50

Personally, I like working part time. Very lucky in that I can do my job freelance from home in short hours and while ds sleeps and earn a decent income. I think it's great. And remember nobody is 'making' you feel guilty, any more than they can 'make' your husband feel guilty.

enid · 30/09/2004 13:51

love my job - it brings in peanuts but I would hate to give it up - I am a happier person because of it(except when I am having nightmares with my colleagues)! I work part time, don't think I could cope with full time though.

marialuisa · 30/09/2004 13:51

Mmmm. There are those who would say I work from choice rather than financial necessity at the moment (i.e. not prepared to give up holidays, eating out) but as DD is now 3.5y I feel no desire at all to be a SAHM full-time. I would love more flexibility etc. (as i had in previous jobs) but have given this up for job satisfaction/a "career path" (in the vaguest sense!). I don't feel guilty that DD goes to after-care etc. but I do feel sad at times.

I could have been happy as a SAHM but it would have needed lots of kids (not physically poss) and a different DH. Being a SAHM would be a disaster for my marriage for many reasons and there was a time when I resented DH for "making" me go to work. Now i'm just grateful for a job I like and a reasonable employer. I don't have to travel, I'm away from DD for less time than most so TBH I'm just grateful that things muddle along.

Kayleigh · 30/09/2004 13:51

the guilt is a jewish thing honey

Original poster

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 14:09

K, I know! But it doesn't help when your DHs mum and granmother are sitting there listening understandingly adn the hsaying ' but there's alway s a way you know. These things work out. If
you did give up work you'd find a way to cope.

a. No we bloody wouldn't. DH's job wouldn't even cover the bills, let alone the mortgage. Facts are facts, figures are figures, and themortgage won't pay itself.

b. How can I tell them that I wouldn't give up copletely even if I could!

OP posts:

Original poster

bunnyrabbit · 30/09/2004 14:10

Wow! Sorry about all the typos. Oh and DHs family isn't even jewish already!!!!!

OP posts:

Hulababy · 30/09/2004 16:46

Media request for working mums here

Grommit · 30/09/2004 17:05

Guilt is a woman thing - what man goes to work feeling guilty if he leaves his kids in childcare? I feel enormously guilty for working full-time esp. as I choose to do this and really could not cope with being a SAHM. This makes me feel abnormal as I should want to be a SAHM. I am rambling now...
and esp when your mother refers to how I "farm out" my children!

Beetroot · 30/09/2004 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsWednesday · 30/09/2004 17:18

Same here Grommit. I work four days a week through choice rather than circumstance and wouldn't want it any other way. I have the utmost admiration for those who do SAH but I know I couldn't do it, I don't have the patience or the imagination I'm afraid.

iota · 30/09/2004 17:48

well I'm a SAHM who sends 1 child to school and 1 to nursery for 3 days a week - that's my guilty secret - SAHM who doesn't look after the kids 24/7

Jimjams · 30/09/2004 19:33

WOuld love to work part-time (well i kind of do- but more on that later). I'm a SAHM - used to work on Saturdays (which I loved) but haven't in the last few years as we've got more entrenched in dealing with ds1's autism. Now he's at school full time I have been thinking how I would like a part time job (would have to be term time only as we can't get holiday childcare for ds1). However baby number 3 (due Dec) has put paid to that. Instead I've started working from home in the last few months. Still early days but would like to build it up so that we could afford a mothers-help type person or nanny (depending on how locked away i needed to be) so that I could work when someone else was looking after the kids (ds2 - although he gos to nursery 3 mornings so maybe just ds3- not ds1 though) for a few hours rather than having to work on top of looking after the children iyswim.

edam · 30/09/2004 19:52

BR, me too!
My thread was in response to some comments attacking mums working outside the home. I was trying to point out that some of us do need the money. But even if dh suddenly got career-minded and started to make a decent living, I'd probably want to work part-time. Just struggling with full-time job I don't really like at the moment so comments probably sounded a bit desperate 'would love to be able to afford to be a SAHM' IYSWIM.
Used to love my old job and definitely wouldn't have given that up completely to be a SAHM (but was made redundant).

wilbur · 30/09/2004 20:26

I'm the same bunnyrabbit - we do need the small amount that I earn part-time, but even if I were loaded I would still want to work. I echo thomcat's post - I do better with dd and ds when I have had some time for myself during the week. My guilt about this comes from being critical about my mother and the hours she worked when I was younger. I now understand her drive to be in the workplace better. She was not cut out for SAHmotherhood and neither am I. Having said that, I'm a damn good finger painter and make f**king incredible rice krispy cakes so all is not lost on the supermummy front

Tanzie · 30/09/2004 23:33

BR, I work full time but would love to go part time, but I am breadwinner too. I also get "that look" from people at the thought that DH would give up work and not me.

Also agree with Kayleigh - Jewish guilt doesn't help matters!

sck · 01/10/2004 13:40

ok, what's the Jewish guilty thing?

binkie · 01/10/2004 13:52

BR, I'm with you too, and having seen you being lovely with babies at meet-ups you do not deserve any sidelong looks AT ALL.

I haven't read throughout, so sorry if repeating someone else's point, but would only think it worth adding: wherever one is "at" in terms of wanting to work or not, feelings do change & we all have to be prepared for that. Now that my two are five and three I have to admit I miss them far more than I did when they were babies, and look forward intensely to their school holidays (when, per my arrangement with work, I can be with them) in a way I never used to.

Tortington · 01/10/2004 20:45

jews and catholics - its a well known saying that they feel guilty about everything. my dad was jewish my mother catholic

i dont feel guilty working is a necessity for our family not a choice. i do not believe that children grow into better people only becuase their parents stay at home there are a combination of factors and circumstances whoich contribute to a well rounded human being - i am certain that eating and having a roof over their head is a fundemental facto in that process

Original poster

bunnyrabbit · 04/10/2004 10:05

Wow!! Didn't expect so many lovely responses!! Thank you all so much. I really needed the support today as I didn't want to leave DS this morning... hate Monday's. This would definitely be a stay at home day for me when (yes 'when'. I'm being positive) I go part time.

Binkie, Yes I am far more maternal than I ever thought I would be. I've always liked children but now find I adore babies too. Problem is, I just couldn't be a SAHM full time. I have two friends that are and I just don't know how they do it! Hat's off to them for their energy and enthusiasm. I will defnitely be taking lessons from them if I ever manage to go part-time...

In the mean time I will just have to look forward to holidays and mumsnet meet ups!

Oh and by the way, we didn't win the lottery on Saturday, again, so I have warned DH that if he doesn't rectify the situation soon, I will be talking to my solicitor!!

OP posts:

binkie · 04/10/2004 10:34

BR, horrible Mondays, I so agree. Sit at work hearing their little voices in my head.

frogs · 04/10/2004 10:51

BR, this seems entirely reasonable to me. We do need the money, and I can work from home, so I get the best of both worlds in some ways, but also the worst in other ways as I'm always stealing time from work to empty the washing machine etc, or stealing time from the children to send faxes or whatever.

But it's the best compromise I'm likely to get, so I'll go with that. And even if we didn't need the money I would still do some work, 'cos in between all the hassle and the stress, it is fun and fulfilling in a different way than spending time with the children, which I also enjoy.

Besides, I always figured that carefully-chosen childcare gives them a chance to interact with and learn to trust people other than boring old mummy, which has to be an enrichment for them. Personally, my tolerance for baby music groups, soft play areas and messy play with shaving foam is v.v. low, so if I didn't work, I'd still have to find someone to do that stuff with them, or else they'd be missing out.

miranda2 · 05/10/2004 13:33

Well... I work full time (have Fridays off but work weekends) - and worked out the other day that if I dropped a day I would actually be better off (because I would save a day's childcare as dh can do weekends) - but I decided I don't want to!!!! So although I do sort off work for the money, I obviously don't really. It is very hard to go fulltime having gone parttime in my job, they are seen as two different things, and the job is one it is hard to do parttime anyway. Plus I like it!

myermay · 05/10/2004 20:28

Message withdrawn

hoxtonchick · 05/10/2004 20:44

I work part-time, 2 days 1 week, 3 the next. The money definitely makes a difference though we could survive without it (gulp, less shopping though). ds goes to a great local nursery which we're really happy with. I don't enjoy commuting (even though it isn't really too bad, & I do get to read my book) but am happy at work. I think part-time is an excellent way to work, even on the weeks I work for 3 days I'm still with ds more than not.

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