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Work

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Original poster

Dreading going back to work and it's not for another 35 days (and counting)!!

19 replies

mylittleman · 26/08/2007 22:06

I really am dreading leaving my ds and I can't stop thinking that it feels SO wrong. I know it should be me looking after him and not someone that isn't his mummy. Do these feelings go or do I just have to force myself to put them to one side.
I'm going back as we need the money.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 26/08/2007 22:17

No, it's right, not wrong. Most children of working parents do better than those who stay at home. They have the xample of mother who works, normally the mother is better educated and family standard of living is increased and all children need psychologically is loving adults around them. You benefit the child by working and arguably damage it by staying home so go back to work confident it is the right thing. Only those with super egos think they are the only person on the planet to look after their child and must be the best carer for that child because of a blood link which is weird concept really when you think about it.

All that has happened is you have been taken in by propaganda and influenced by how you were brought up or the media.

oliveoil · 26/08/2007 22:18

oh fgs

Original poster

mylittleman · 26/08/2007 22:20

Maybe you're right Xenia - I hope you're right, but it's a strong feeling within me. I suppose I know no one else is going to LOVE him like I do. They can care, but they won't love him.

OP posts:

oliveoil · 26/08/2007 22:23

if you need to go back to work for the money, then go back to work

don't over analyse something you can't change imo, why stress yourself

a parent IS the best carer imo but that doesn't mean a nursery or whatever is cruel (I work and have MIL as my childcare)

and Xenia only has one record and it has been stuck for eons from what I can see

Original poster

mylittleman · 26/08/2007 22:26

Hard not to be stressed about it but thanks for the post anyway.

OP posts:

lulurose · 26/08/2007 22:27

Your feelings are completely natural and understandable, I had a great career and loved my job and always assumed I'd go back after having dd1. I did go back pt and found this was a reasonable compromise. I now have 2dds and have taken the decision to be at home even though the financial pressures are greater. Could part time work for you?

It is natural to want to be the main carer for your child, Becoming a Mother is overwhelming and the though of leaving him with someone else must be upsetting. I don't know what advice I can give as i know that when the reason to return to work is because of finances the decision is taken away from you.

I hope you get a system in place that you're happy with and adapt to, you will always be his Mummy. Good luck

Original poster

mylittleman · 26/08/2007 22:30

Thanks lulurose. Kind words do help

OP posts:

lulurose · 26/08/2007 22:36

I think the "just get on with it" school of thought is not that much help, we are all different and why should we deny our feelings? Have you got family who could help with childcare? I have heard stories from friends about finding wonderful childminders who almost become part of the family. Imo these options would be a close second to being at home with you, i'm sure he will thrive.

Not sure about nurseries for children under 2 tbh x

Judy1234 · 26/08/2007 22:45

Perhaps though don't just accept the feelings but delve into why they are there. Were you brought up in a family where women worked or are working women frowned on? Before you married did your husband make it clear he respects career women? Do you and he have an equal status? Do you enjoy being kept or do you prefer to earn your own money? Also if you think it's wrong at what age do you think it's fine to leave a child? At 5 at school or will that feel wrong too?

Many more women need to ditch the guilt and then the UK would be a much happier place.

oliveoil · 26/08/2007 22:47

well I didn't want to go back to work, but I had to so I just 'got on with it'

makes sense to me, what is the point of hand wringing and getting upset over something that you can't do anything about?

research nurseries/child minders/nannies, then make a decision and go for it

lulurose · 26/08/2007 22:59

I think this idea of being "kept" is so outdated. My dh works outside the home, I work inside the home, ok he gets a salary but we are still equal and our money is shared in a joint account, my name is on the mortgage and I have my own pension and savings.

goodasgold · 26/08/2007 23:20

With only 35 days to go have you arranged childcare? Are you really happy with it? That can make the biggest difference. Whatever it is, as long as you are happy with it. Try to arrange to spend a couple of sessions with the provider to get you and your son used to it. Are you going back full time? Think about your new routines and make time for stories when you get home. And enjoy your lunch break! No sahm gets a proper one, make the most of the good aspects and the best of the ones you don't like. Best wishes.X

Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 11:16

Xenia believes that maternal feelings are purely "cultural" and can be overcome by rational thought.

If you believe, as I do, that maternal feelings are also (and perhaps primarily) hormonal/genetic, you will quite legitimately find leaving your baby in the care of others very difficult.

If you are returning to work because you need the money, that is an excellent reason and your child will know that you left him in the care of others for good reason and will not resent you doing so.

Judy1234 · 27/08/2007 16:23

I believe mothers and fathers love their children huge amounts. Parental feelings are shared by most parents, surely and the fact you leave your child with your husband or in a creche whilst you're at the gym or with granny or with a nanny has nothing to do with maternal feelings. You still love that child. It's like with a husband - you might well love them hugely but you don't want to be with them 24/7 and being apart from them isn't psychologically damaging.

Men and women are sad to leave their children to work or even to play golf but you can't spend 100% of your life with small children of you go mad and probably damage the child by making it your be all and end all and you end up a pretty boring person too so it's best if people have other interests.

colinandcaitlinsmommy · 27/08/2007 17:12

I'm sitting here laughing, because I was just wondering where Xenia had been, because I hadn't seen any fights breaking out over her views on work and motherhood, and I click on this thread and. . . .

MLM, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I think no matter what choice a woman makes, there are always going to be people on the other side questioning her decision. I agree entirely with what lulurose said. Hopefully you can come to terms with the fact that whatever happens, you have done what you feel or know is best to take care of your little man, and he will be fine.

Vmama · 28/08/2007 20:51

I am in the same boat -about to leave my 6 month DS to go back 4 days a week. I have always been an incredibly ambitious, career-focused person but whilst a part of me can't wait to go back and start using my brain/interacting with the outside world again I feel full of anxiety about leaving my boy and I know I'm going to miss him so much.

This isn't helped by my stresses about my childcare -he will be in nursery for 2 days which I'm happy about although his first trial session there today didn't go that well -he was really unsettled and grumpy which is unusual for such a happy little soul.
Plus I have major stresses about my MIL having him one day (for various reasons). My mum will have him one day and I'll be off the final day. I'm worried that it will be too many different carers for him especially after my HV said as much. Anyone else in this situation?

Habbibu · 28/08/2007 21:06

What if you're a nursery nurse with children of your own, Xenia? I really should tell my mum she's bonkers and boring...

Judy1234 · 28/08/2007 22:03

I think children need stability most of all but can love a number of people, their father, siblings, grannies etc. If they know Monday means granny and Tuesday nursery etc they can get used to that. Keep the same routine always. It's the changes in routine that upset them.

yelnats · 28/08/2007 22:15

I to oam returning to work next week but I am fortunate that my mum will be looking after my 2. Also I am only going back 2 and a half days, with dd1 I went back 4 days which I found really difficult initially but soon got used to it. Mind you the only thing i am looking forward to about going back is that i will actually get designated breask - something I havent had since I stopped work last December.

Im sure it will work out fine for you.

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