Back to work, or not?

[bonniej]

I really don't know what to do for the best. I am a SAHM to dd who's 15 months. I am finding it very lonely and not really like I imagined it would be. I try to take her out as much as possible but don't drive so really rely on the weather. I don't know any other mums and don't have any family nearby so don't really see anyone all day most of the time. I have started taking her to tumble tots which is good but that's only one morning a week. I have signed up for the mother and toddler group near me but they are trying to arrange a day to hold it on so haven't been yet. I feel really sorry for dd as she doesn't see anyone except me most of the time and that's making her really clingy (understandably). We only ever go out when she's in bed (my ds whose 16 babysits) so she is never left with anyone. Haven't got anyone we know to leave her with anyway. Problem is I'm going out of my mind with boredom and don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I need people to talk to and something to focus on. I really would like to find a job but can't stand the thought of dd being left with strangers. My dh works quite long hours so unless I can find a job that's just evenings and Sundays I will have to find childcare for her. I feel it would be better for her if I stayed at home but would definately be better for me to find a job. I really don't know what to do for the best. Any ideas?? (sorry about the ramble!)

bonnie when my ds1 was your age I had no qualms about working - and it was the right answer for me at the time.

Now I have 2 boys aged 5 and 3 and I and a SAHM, as described on the SAHM thread.

If you want to be a SAHM you need to get a suport structure in place - you have to trawl round the M&T activities and find friends - it's hard and it takes time, but you need to do it. Also think about putting dd in a creche at the gym or something similar and have some time for yourself.

have a look at some of the recent threads on this very subject - lots of good ideas there

bonnie
I work part time and my two ds are in nursery when I work. I feel that they have the best of both worlds as they have me full time half the week and then the excitement of other adults and children the other half of the week. May justify it like this so I don't feel so bad about wanting to get out of the house and do a job which I enjoy (I think). However, I really do believe that my ds (3yrs and 14mths) thrive at nursery - and the fact that they have that social time makes me feel less guilty that I don't take them to interesting groups all the time when I am at home with them.
Could you try a nursery or gym creche to find out how your dd reacts? If she is amenable to the idea, you could then go job hunting.
And use MN to bounce ideas off - eg, I am sure all children will cry at some point when left at nursery, but you'll find that they'll be distracted by toys/other children/staff very quickly. It's really hard to leave a crying child and if this happens first time you try nursery you might want to give in. IME, the parents that hang around the longest on handover at nursery are the ones who's children cry the most (and that includes me, on occasion).
For ideas of what to do, does your Council have a Children's Information Service - might include details of groups, library days for toddlers etc etc.
Good luck with whatever you decide

bonnie, I agree with iota. I dont think the issue is the fact that you need work, but just more adult company. You really need to get out there and meet more people, whether through parent and toddler groups or adult based activities. How about starting a leisure college course in something that interests you, possibly one day a week even? The colleges often provide a creche, and Im sure dd would enjoy the company there too. I dont think you working evenings ro weekends would make anything better for you, as you would still feel lonely through the day. It would be better if you can try and solve that problem first, and if you still feel you need to work then that is what you need to do. If you are happy, your daughter will be happy. Sorry, a bit rambly (is that a word?) but hope you can sort things out.

Thanks for all the great advice. I think I feel like a bit of a failure as a SAHM so am contemplating work as I feel comfortable when working. Deep down I do want to stay at home with dd but want to do it properly and not just sit around all day feeling guilty that dd is bored. A leisure college course sounds fantastic. It would mean dd could spend time with other children and I'd have something to focus on. Do I just ring my local college and enquire or have I missed the time to enrol? Haven't got a clue about going to college but would love to give it a go.

bonnie, are you clear in your own mind about whether you would really like to find more activities and company as a SAHM, or whether you really would like to find some other employment as well? I think it would be a shame to go back to work simply because you haven't yet found a way to structure the week and find friends.
Are you in an area where there are other MN-ers? Do look in the meet-up threads - or start one. And go to absolutely everything that you can, whatever the weather!
It does sound as if you could do with some mental stimulation of your own too - so a local college for a p/t course/ evening class, esp if they have a creche? Open University?

Blu, I did start a meet up thread and there's only one mum that lives near me (or who has seen the thread). We've been chatting but haven't actually arranged anything yet. I think I do sometimes use the weather as an excuse as I find it quite difficult to go to these groups with other mums. I'm worried no-one will speak to me and I'll end up sitting on my own (wimp, I know). I have booked some driving lessons as I am hoping that will help to get us out of the house.

bonnie - you are suffering from extreme lack of confidence!! You will be absolutely fine once you get going and everyone will want to get to know you! Phone all your local colleges - the courses usually start on Sept and run for around 10 weeks, but if there are places they are bound to let you on. If not, you can book for the next block. I do an art course one day a week - it honestly keeps me sane!!

Bonnie I think if you honestly believe that what you are lacking is the fulfillment of work (rather than adult company) you would do better going back to work. Your dd will survive the experience, and you do not seem to be suggesting it would be fulltime so you would still have time to spend with her doing the parent groups, tumble tots, etc. I am very unfulfilled at home and I am turning into a very bitter woman and inflicting that on my children. How can that be good for them? My children (and your dd in your case)will flourish best if their mother is happy, fulfilled and genuinely enjoys the time spent with them.
You say you have a ds aged 16. What did you do when he was little?

Bonnie, sorry, on re-reading my post It sounded as if I meant to imply that it would be implicitly better to stay at home f/t: I just meant that it would be a shame to make a decision 'by default'. Suppose you investigated a couple of local childminders or nurseries, you might find that you would actually be quite happy to let dd spend some time each week there - I used to have a ridiculous Dickensian vision of childminders before I encountered the reality! You wouldn't be leaving her 'with strangers' - you'd be leaving her with someone you'd come to know well and trust - and it's also a great way to meet other Mums who use the same childminder / nursery! so you could improve your Mum time, as well!

I have replied to your meet up post suggesting we meet up so great minds think alike!

None of us are in a position to tell you what to do but like Blu I think it would be sad if you returned to work by default if you would be happy being a SAHM if there was more support and friendship available.

I have gone through phases of wanting to go back to work properly as opposed to what i do now which is on a more causual basis and as I ahve said on the other thread I take dd along with me so it doesn't feel like work. I ahve even been offered jobs but then backed out at the last minute as I realised I din't want to work I just needed more challenge! i have done childminder trainig as I can then earn my own money but be at home with dd, I also think she would benefit from having other kids around

Good luck with finding more social/fulfilling things to do..my advice on dealing with the 'getting to know people bit' would be just take a deep breath and smile at or chat to anyone you meet who looks friendly. They probably want to talk anyway, or feel as awkward as you. Just get in the habit of doing it and it won't seem so scary, then you'll want to go to the activities more. Much respect to SAHMs who work evenings and weekends, but i don't think I would want to do it if I had the choice - when's the time for you?

bonniej, i have just gone to work p/time started last week 3 evenings and a sun aft a wk....... i am so glad i have done it now i too was very lonely (and dd is only 8mth)it is nice to be a person again iykwim!! its for sanity more than anything i would definately recommend it!!! and i miss my dd when i am at work but it makes me appreciate her more hth xxxx