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AIBU - to have "reverse ambition" - for a simpler life, a simpler time?

10 replies

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 19/11/2019 23:20

I'd better preamble this by saying I feel very lucky and grateful not to have bigger, crippling life problems like illness, extreme poverty or other terrible hardships.

It might help to explain a potted history of my life. Born into an educated but ordinary and skint family, so a very average start in life. Neither silver spoon nor hardship.

I was shy, easily bullied, but got on well academically. Miserable childhood because of social anxiety but eventually came out of my shell. I was lucky enough to have teachers and family that encouraged me, and I got good results, good degree, and set off on the expected career journey. Qualified as an accountant then into senior management and over twenty years later I have worked very hard to become an Exec Director.

On all of the last three jobs/promotions, I have been mercilessly bullied by my superiors. I know bullying is a strong word, yet the way I have been treated fits the description. I had recently started to accept that if I want to work at this level this is how it is going to be. "Tough at the top".

I've got a really good reputation in my field. However, I often work 12 hour days plus three hours commuting. I don't like the way I am expected to cascade unreasonable pressure down to my team. I feel ethically challenged by the work behaviours, even though I work in an ethical industry.

Recently I'm starting to have immense regrets about the life I've "chosen". I wonder what possessed me to work so bloody hard my entire life (from school age till now) for this? I'm a corporate slave. I'm never detached from my phone, I get no free time or headspace. I've lost almost all contact with my children. I never had enough time for them and I feel in many ways I've let them down by being too tired, too distracted, no time etc.

I earn good money, and I'm scared stiff of what I would do without that money. However, I am feeling that I want to give it all up and do something more normal.

Am I being unreasonable to want to give up for a couple of years and finally send a bit of time at home looking after my teens, cooking, getting my health back?

I look back at my childhood and wish I had done something less ambitious, stayed in my home town, not moved to London, not stretched everything so thin. I wish I had stayed a bit closer to normal, rather than living up to some middle class stereotype with my posh kids and my Waitrose shopping. Sad

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2019 23:28

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, and if you can make such a massive change in your life, I would do it. We only get one shot at this, and at the moment of your death, whenever that may be, you will never say, "Gosh, I wish I worked more and saw even less of my children."

Are you married? Would your partner be supportive? Could you do freelance work part-time to keep you slightly "in the game" as it were? If you don't work at all, would you be financially secure?

Puppybum · 19/11/2019 23:31

There are lots of youtube videos about women who give up jobs to become housewives and they seem completely happy and fulfilled

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 19/11/2019 23:36

@Aquamarine1029 yes, we could just about afford for me to take some time out. However, the work ethic in the family has become overpowering, with the kids saying "will we be poor"?, my husband worrying about money and saying "why can't I give up my job instead"?

There's not a lot of support for the idea, but then it's also my life!

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DarkerShrimpVase · 19/11/2019 23:38

It’s not a rehearsal, you know. If what you’re doing now isn’t working for you now, use your years of management, experience and wisdom to make a decision to do something different. It really is that simple.

If it’s relevant at all I built a business from scratch, sold it for an obscene amount and ‘retired’ at 38. Got bored, started another business which bombed, and then moved into social enterprise.

If you want to stop, stop. The world will not end.

YourOpinionIsNoted · 19/11/2019 23:38

Do you have assets? House, investments? Just wondering if it would be possible for you to downsize, pull out some money, in order to give yourself a cheaper lifestyle that doesn't need the level of work & income you are currently maintaining.

I'm guessing it's harder with teen children to think of as well though; how would they feel about a change in lifestyle? Teens can be quite materialistic.

Would you be able to freelance, so you'd have more control over the amount of work you took on?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 19/11/2019 23:50

Good on you for realising this, it is possible to change!

DH and I gave up jobs like that, downsized, pulled kids out of private school, sold the ponies (Shock Wink) cancelled all foreign holidays, downsized and rebooted.

Do you have any assets you can sell? Cars? Savings?

Get out before you get a burnout is my advice

The kids are happier in thew set up, they don't miss the perks we had

Start living more simple now, go vegetarian and shop at Lidl/Aldi etc, holiday in Norfolk, go out for walks and picnics instead of eating out

It is liberating, imo (but you need some savings and a plan b)

Good luck

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 19/11/2019 23:52

@DarkerShrimpVase yes. It's not a rehearsal. I hope one day I get to look back and feel a bit happier about it all.

I think it's that my kids are leaving home in the next few years that is making me feel such regret. I always wanted to spend more time with them, now that is acute.

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WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 19/11/2019 23:55

@YourOpinionIsNoted and @TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead

Yes. We've got assets - well our main home and our pensions, plus some savings. Not hugely wealthy (where did it all go?) but could survive. It's just that dh has always dreamed of living in France one day and virtually lives for that. This would kill the dream he thinks.

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morriseysquif · 19/11/2019 23:56

Could you use your skills in a less pressurised environment?

I would take the time out - teens need you at home, work can wait.

Would you do something completely different - PM me if you need a big home life accommodating job move.

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 19/11/2019 23:58

@YourOpinionIsNoted - freelancing is not a thing in my specific line of work but I guess I could retrain?

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead now there is a dream - moving somewhere cheaper them both of us could downsize our jobs!!

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