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Cliquey group at work - feeling silly to be upset

somewhereovertherainbutt · 08/09/2019 20:56

I work in a very male dominated industry and am older than most of the (few) women who work for the company. I work at a fairly senior level in terms of responsibility but have no direct reports. It's a very high pressure role.

I used to manage a small team (last time my female boss was on mat leave) but one of the women I managed complained about my previous performance when my boss went on mat leave again recently so I was not asked to step up this time. Worth noting nothing was said at the time I was her manager or indeed afterwards, just when it seemed obvious I'd be acting up again. I wasn't told this was the reason, just I wasn't being asked. I found out she had complained by accident.

What is happening now is that I am not being invited to networking events when I should be, or visits to projects we work on (the woman - who previously complained about my management style - organises the events and treats invitations as her personal gift to the 'lucky' invitee and is controlling and secretive about the guest list).

I have reminded her casually about my attending and she is dismissive and rude. I get this is a power play and quite triggering but I really don't know how to address it.

She also doesn't help me with urgent deadlines even though I ask (we are on the same team). She found time to go to buy office treats while I was piling through a 10 hour day's worth of urgent work that had to be submitted by close of play. I asked for help but she said she was busy (and then spent 1.5 hours in Sainsbury's).

Management were absent that day, and also on the previous Friday when she took a half day she wasn't entitled to and booked her train ticket on the company account.

She has threatened to leave quite recently and the company has rallied round to keep her (squeaky wheel syndrome). I've also discovered my boss is in daily touch with her while on mat leave to support her (proofreading, sense checking etc).

My boss is best friends with the director who is actiing as my boss while she is on mat leave, so it's all a bit complicated.

I feel like such a child, but the whole situation makes me tearful as I feel so ostracised. I've said nothing about her half day/ticket pisstake.

Any advice, oh wise Mumsnetters?


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Moominfan · 13/09/2019 09:26

It's really shitty to feel left out in any situation op. Is there anyone there you could establish a friendship with? Strength in numbers and all? Can be hard going to work with a work mind set for people to form friendships when you done

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madcatladyforever · 13/09/2019 09:30

That's awful, I hate cliquey work situations and have experienced a few. I just my head down and get on with the job, keep pleasant, work hard.
There isn't anything you can do to ingratiate yourself with these people and personally I wouldn't want to.
I've worked with teams of men for years and I'm an older woman, I just ignore them for the most part, and my demeanour puts them off making any sexist remarks.
Your managers should not encourage this behaviour, it's very toxic.

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