Fallout with colleague

[MouseMee]

A team member spoke to me in an inappropriate way in a team meeting (witnessed and confirmed by my peers as inappropriate, no manager present). I approached the individual in private and explained that it made me feel uncomfortable. The individual said they were within their right to speak to me in this way, that they refuse to have a conversation about it and if I feel it was inappropriate then I should escalate up the chain.

The second conversation was hostile and aggressive, and now I feel awful. I don't really know how to make it right. I will flag it to my manager but any ideas on how I can repair the relationship? For background this person has often been passive aggressive in the way they speak to me, it's the first time they have been "actively aggressive".

Why would you want to repair the relationship? You haven't done anything wrong. They might not like you, they might be an arsehole, they might have stuff going on you don't know about it - none of that gives them licence to speak to you like that.

You should report the incidents to your manager and then aim to steer clear of them aside from whatever interaction you need to carry out your roles. If they continue to act unprofessionally, that's what you report to your manager - not "she/he isn't nice to me" but "this person continually acts in an aggressive and unprofessional manner towards me and I find this unacceptable."

I agree with the PP. Why are you the one trying to repair the relationship? Go to your manager - nobody should talk to you like that at work.

This is someone I should be working closely with, who is junior to me and is expected to support me and other senior team members. It would also be expected of me to mentor them in the same way as more senior members of the team would generally provide feedback etc to more junior members. I don't expect to be friends but I don't want there to be an awkward atmosphere which there now is, and I don't want to put up with rudeness. I feel I should be the bigger person and while I will report this to my manager, I was hoping I could do something proactive. I guess that isn't possible with someone who says they won't talk to me about it.

If they are so arrogant and misguided to think they have justification to talk to you in such an aggressive way, you holding out an olive branch when it ought to be coming from them, will be perceived as weakness (even though in reality it would be a strength) and could risk them feeling they have licence to continue.

I would mention it to your manager, but quite frankly these grudges and behaviours are rarely resolved solely by the person being "told" to change. The perpetrator has to be willing through their own volition and self-reflection to do a U Turn on their attitude. It's worth a try.

Meanwhile grey rock - hard on the inside, friendly on the outside and don't get sucked into being too friendly if they reel you in.

I would escalate it.
They are jnr to you.
You tried to repair matters...

Did this person apply for yr job?

When someone who manage starts acting like an arse you absolutely need to nip it in the bud. It will come back and bite you on the arse of you don't. Insubordination isn't professional and it needs to be handled properly.

It sounds like you are a woman. Is this person male or female?

*who you manage

Don't bother trying to repair the relationship. Their behaviour was out of order and you should raise it further up the chain as a conduct issue. Write a state,to and bring it to your manager.

I agree, I had somebody at work try to (subtly) freeze me out of conversations all the time. She was arrogant enough to tey and control the social dynamics around us. She had a partial degree of success as well. I rose above it. I knew that if i confronted her she'd have denied it. But it would have put her on notice and shown her i wasnt as afraid of confrontation as she wss banking on me being. Things got worse for me. She managed to make it a thing, established by routine, that i was on the outside. As soon as she left i got to know all the people she'd urinated around. She viewed them like lamposts. That's how i see her now, a little dog piddling around people she wants to be friendly with.

If i mentioned this to ANYbody at work though they would have told me she was lovely so i had to figure it out alone.

My longwinded point being dont ignore the situation. Dont stick yr head in the sand. Put them on notice (that you arent as afraid of confrontation as they think you are)

Who directly manages this person? It’s their responsibility to manage attitudes like this. Who does their appraisal? I would talk to your manager because this attitude is unacceptable. You need to put a marker down. The next thing is, they will complain about you! It’s what people like this do. Or undermine you further. So act now.

I would speak to your manager and ask for a meeting with the three of you to set boundaries and clear the air. Ask for future meetings to be minuted or recorded.