i don't want to go back to work

[MBB]

DS is now 11 weeks old and the though of returning to work makes me feel ill. I always intended to go back and DH always said he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. However he seems to have changed his tune now and keeps going on about pensions and length of service. Financially we would be ok, as luckily will soon be able to pay mortgage off and then could live off DHs salary. I dont want his permission, I just want him to understand how I feel and support me like he said he would. I'm currently making a rather half-hearted attempt to find a childminder for December, when I;m due back but am aware that I've probably left it too late. Also, other people I've spoken to seem to think that this is some kind of phase I'm going through and that I'm somehow going to 'snap out of it' and that I will have no feeling of self worth unless I'm in paid employment. I'm not saying that I'll never go back, and dont get me wrong I did really like my job and the benefits it gave me - I just don't want to go back now. Even if I go part time, I'll still have to leave DS with the childminder 9am-5pm 5 days a week, to allow for travelling time, and longer hours when I have to travel to London, Birmingham & Heathrow for meetings. I've been looking at my maternity policy and if I returned for 30 days notice period, I could have at least 10 of them as annual leave which has accrued, leaving only two weeks to work out.
How do i make people/DH understand that I'm not copping out or being lazy, I just want to be with my DS.

MBB I totally understand. I gave up full-time work when ds was born, but still enjoy working and having time off from full time mothering. Is there no alternative to 9-5, five days a week? Your company is legally bound to at least consider job-sharing etc. But if you really don't want to go back, it might help to convince dh if you do a sort of financial plan, with the costs of childcare, commuting etc set against your salary. he probably doesn't realise how much you'd have to spend just to go to work, and how little you'd end up with. And he probably doesn't realise how little time you'd have with ds. I think you need to sit down and really talk about this. For many men, the idea of having two people really depend on them frightens them (which is totally understandably IMO). They feel trapped by it and afraid of letting everyone down. Alternatively can you take some unpaid leave? An awful lot of companies are OK with this. You could take six months off and see how you feel then. You may want to go back, at least part time, by then. Or you may not. At least you keep your options open and it might make your dh feel less scared. And after all, not that many people really like their job.

MBB, I sympathise. I agree with aloha, you need to talk to dp about this and work out how much better off (or not) you will be without your income. I went back to work when ds was 5 months old and then became a SAHM 6 months later so I've (sort of) tried both. (ds is nearly 5 now) I don't think you're copping out or being lazy, being at home with a child IS WORK! Do you agree that you won't have any self worth if you're not in paid employlment? If not, ignore these comments as unhelpful! Do the people making them have children? IMO it is valid work being at home with a child, it's vital work (although I defend anyone's right to paid work if it's what works for them). Will post more later maybe.

MBB

From a working mum, who is enjoying working part time, but then my children are at school. Do whatever you feel is right.
Children grow up quick and before you know it they want to be independent. The early years are hard but they are also so precious and once they've gone they've gone and you can't get them back, so if you can afford it and don't yearn to work they stay at home. Go with your heart I say.

MBB - You're certainly not lazy or copping out!! I had to go back to work when my ds was 3 months old because of the situation I was in then. However, my new dh totally supported my decision to be a SAHM - our dd is now 11 months old and is totally beautiful. The best thing is that ds (now 6½ really enjoys having me at home - I can take him to after school clubs, help with homework, etc, - play with him (yes and argue too) but it's wonderful. As for the thought of being lazy - I have a wonderful lady who comes in and cleans and irons for me once a week - but the rest of the time it's up to me!! Personally, I love being a SAHM - the satisfaction of bringing up my children is beyond compare. And I will go back to work - just not at the moment Still as Sobernow points out - I'll have to earn a considerable sum to cover childcare costs and have something left over for me, and the house!

MBB, I wanted to say more earlier but had to eat... don't feel bad about changing your mind - even if you intended to go back and don't want to now, it's ok to feel the way you do. It's hard to know what you want to do until your baby is actually here (or it was for me anyway) so sticking to decisions and agreements made while you're pregnant can be unrealistic. As aloha says, maybe your DH is feeling under pressure about being the only breadwinner plus a new baby is presumably a big shock for him too? I think you have to find out what is at the root of his lack of support. Is he worried that you will change? That your relationship will change? If you talk about it, honestly and openly maybe you can find out and tackle it from there. Anyway, I hope you find a solution. Good luck.

MBB, I second (third?) what Aloha and WWW have said about getting the the root of your dh's worries.

My dh says that it hit him in a very big way when our ds was born that now it was serious, he was responsible for supporting all of us, so if he didn't like his job or anything he couldn't just up sticks and change (up until then we had both worked and had a small mortgage so either of us always had that option).

The other thing that may be hard for him is to realise how totally your priorities have changed. If you're anything like me, your job was a very important part of you before kids. Once I had ds all the work things that had seemed so gripping and important to me before suddenly lost their significance (I like to think I'm a much calmer and more balanced person now ). I know that, although my dh loves his kids desperately, work didn't lose it's significance in quite the same way. Maybe your dh and everyone else is advising you based on who you used to be, not who you are now.

As to giving up work, you have to do what feels right. I went back to work when ds was 6 months, but I went back 3 days a week, which was great (although I really wasn't sure about it at the time). My kids are now nearly 5 and nearly 3. I still get days (usually when work is not going well) when I feel like giving it all up and becoming a SAHM, but if I look deep into my heart of hearts I know it isn't really me. I'm a much better mum (especially to my terrible two's dd) because I do something else as well.

Think carefully about what you really want - you can only do what feels right now, and you won't do your job properly if your heart is really not in it. The only thing I would say is keep revising your options, and don't feel you've failed as a SAHM if at some time down the line you find you want to go back to work. Being a SAHM can be very hard work, and some people are brilliant at it, while others (like me) find it harder.

Why?

I see no reason why it would "hurt" you or the child for you to work. Is it going to hurt for his Dad to work?

You must do what your heart tells you. A friend recently made a point to me which I think is valid though: if you think you might want to go back to work later, try and keep some connection to the workplace in the interim (even if through volunteer work, or doing some contract work from home) - it will make it so much easier to get a potential employer to consider your CV positively when the time comes.

Whenever I'm asked if I work I say yes, I'm a full-time mum. No, it's not a cop-out. I fully intended to resume my degree once dd was born but realised that I don't have the time or the inclination. I've discovered that it wasn't until she arrived that I could even begin to work out what I wanted to do as motherhood changes you so much. I think it is important to listen to your feelings on this. I hope that you can work things out with your dh (pensions aren't worth having anymore anyway IMO) and that you feel happier soon.

Jbr, I don't think it necessarily harms a child if both parents work, but it's a very hard juggling act IMO & in IME! I found it made us all happier for me to work part-time, from home. I'm very, very lucky in that what I do pays well enough for that to be an option for us, but I honestly feel we all benefit. I personally would hate to work full-time again (esp as my fulltime meant working until 10pm reasonably often). I like that my son has his morning naps at home. I don't knock anyone's choices (though I realise I was fairly lucky to be able to make mine), yet I can really sympathise with MBB. I think it is brutal to have to go back to full-time work when a child is so young after the intimacy of early motherhood, which is why nearly every other country in Europe offers more maternity leave than we do. Don't you agree?

MBB
I know exactly what you're feeling. I've gone back to work this week, leaving ds 8.5 months with a childminder- and I'm jealous of her!! I've been crying at nights because I have to work- and to make matters worse - I am with children all day ( I'm a primary teacher) but not mine
I love my job- but I'd rather be at home with ds and be around for dd to take to school etc.

Sorry - this is a long one....hope you are still awake by the end !

I really sympathise with you MBB.

You may never be able to make your husband understand, but agree that you need to try to get to the bottom of this. Especially, since he has changed his mind - whatever you decide is the right thing for you, you will need his full emotional support.

IMO, in general, it is different for men. Much as they love parenthood and may take a very full role in fatherhood, they don't have the hormones coursing through their body and they didn't carry the bambino for 9 months. Also, in general they haven't just had an extended period at home with their child - doing everything for their baby day in day out, forming new friendships with other mothers and babies and getting into a routine. And they don't have the underlying cultural pressure that "good mothers stay at home with their babies."

Also, I think that some fathers find it a little hard how much their partners change especially in those early days. Naturally, the baby becomes the centre of the universe. If the mother used to work and have other interests, the father could find that adjustment hard to start with. They may look forward to the day when their partner regains the balance in her life. (It may sound selfish but it is understandable.)

Also, maybe he is worried about having to be the only breadwinner. So few jobs have real security these days and different people have different tolerance for risk. If you were able to show him how you will both budget and manage on his salary, still pay off the mortgage etc, maybe he will feel more comfortable.

I wouldn't worry about what other people say other than your husband - unless they are very close friends/family who have gone through this themselves. Then it might be worth listening to what they say and just considering it. For some people it is " just a phase" and some people don't have a feeling of self worth unless they are in paid employment. Only you know yourself well enough to answer that for you, but I found it very difficult to answer that question in those first few months. Work was so unimportant when compared to the miracle I was part of.

I went back to work when dd was 14 weeks old, after the full maternity allowance I was entitled to (we live overseas.) I dreaded it and only went back because they were about to eliminate my job. As the pay out would have been quite a lot of money we decided I would stick with it until they made me redundant. In the end, they also offered me a part time option - 4 days a week. I decided to go for this for a while and see how things went. I found it much easier than expected and now my dd is 18 months old, I'm considering going back full time (to do a new job) although we will probably move closer to my office to completely eliminate travelling time.

I won't say I find it easy all the time (I don't feel the same about work as I used to), and I sometimes feel jealous of the time some of my friends spend with their kids. But I know that some of my friends feel jealous of the time I spend at work, so I reckon you can't win either way.

After a few months back at work, I realised that I'm not the kind of person to be able to stay at home to look after her all the time and that I benefit from the time I spend at work. And the critical thing is my dd is a very happy, secure and loving little girl, who has a great bond with me and my husband. For now this works for us. We aren't commited to this for ever - we will change as our needs and her needs require

Is there any way you can keep your options open a bit longer? Some companies would allow a career break or some additional unpaid leave. You don't mention what kind of work you do but if there is a possiblity of some kind of part time arrangement, (not the 9 - 5pm, 5 days a week that you mention) but perhaps 2 - 3 days a week and maybe working from home a bit, it might be worth exploring. It would give you a chance to see whether you really want to change course or whether a mixture may work for you.

HTH, and good luck with getting to the bottom of your husband's feelings and with you reaching a conclusion that works for you.

MBB, you have my sympathy, I really do know how you feel. I returned to work when dd was 4.5 months old and dreaded it all the way through my maternity leave. I was originally intending to go back full-time but in the end I compromised and went for part-time work. I know many mums do not have the option and have to return to work for financial reasons, the only advice I can give is, if you can afford for you to give up or even maybe go part-time, try that, and if after 3 or 4 months it doesn't feel right, then go with your instincts.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks for all the advice. DH and I have had a really long talk about things and he is behind whatever decision I make. It seems that he didn't want to say anything to influence my decision and I think that this has actually helped (although it didn't feel like it a few days ago). I've thought of nothing else for the last few weeks, and like Melly said, felt like it was hanging over my head like a cloud. I'm not going to go back to work yet. I will go back when I feel the time is right. As I think I said earlier, I know how incredibly lucky I am to even be in a position to make this decision, but I waited so long for DS, and now that he is here I want to make the most of every moment I have with him (even the last 2 rotten, grumpy, crying and not eating weekend he has just had!).
JBR, of course it would cause no 'harm' for me to work, but as I said I am lucky enough to be in a position to make the decision not to work, and therefore I will stay when I'm happiest, and where my son is happy for me to be. As for DH, he loves his job - loves the challenge, the mentoring and motivating of his workforce and becomes listless and bad tempered when faced with routines - so no, he never considered for a second staying at home.
thank you again

MBB

So glad you have had a talk with DH and have gone with your heart in deciding what to do. Good for you

Great to hear that you and your husband have reached a decision you are both happy with. Enjoy your time with your ds.