Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Working parents splitting the load

42 replies

nickname7890 · 02/08/2019 07:49

Please advise!

I'm coming to the end of my second maternity leave and returning 5 days a week in an intense finance job where I work from 7-4.30 then rush back to see the kids then bath then put them to bed and my husband strolls Kn 6.45 on a very good day, 7-7.15 normally and is out 1-2 times a week with clients late

Before this second baby I found this really tough when working like this with my first. We even had Aupair a to help with bed and bath but I always rushed back to see the baby and let the aupir off when I was home as I wanted our son to see a parent every day wherever possible. But this also was an exhausting situation for me as my husband would never step up for that responsibility so it was always me racing back, starting at 7 (2 hours before my contracted time) to get out on time to see our son before bed. Then most nights I would work after our son was asleep and then race to bed ASAP before waking at 5 again.

It was the toughest time of my life as I found myself managing the aupir, responsible for washing , cleaning , organising, tidying, meal planning, bill paying, class booking, food shopping for us and Aupair and also ensuring my husband had food.

I'm now so stressed about what I am returning to. We have decided to get a nanny full time with our eldest st playgroup a few mornings a week. Im trying to get my husband to start eg by getting him to get the amazon account on his phone or help by taking the washing up or not stepping over toys but putting them back in the cupboard but every time I have to remind him and then he hates me for nagging all day

What is the answer? On bad days I find it really so exhausting the endless tasks and management and thinking of everything all the time. Then I need to focus on trying to keep my husband happy and seeing friends on a weekend night and making sure we create happy memories for our kids
But when do I get to breathe ?

Does anyone have any answers ?
A chore list?
I tried mindful chef on a trial offer to get OH to cook and it didn't work it just sat in the fridge and he ate a sandwich from the mini mart next door

OP posts:

Original poster

nickname7890 · 16/08/2019 21:58

Loopytiles- yes you are right I should not cook for him. I guess particularly when my days can be lacking in adult contact I still strive for this ideal of spending the evening at a table eating together as adults not slumped in front of the tv with beans on toast and he genuinely would not care. He doesn't have any interest in food or eating healthily so if I didn't have anything else in offer he wouldn't complain but he would just eat fish fingers ir sometimes he has 8 pieces of toast and jam

Allfurcoatnoknickers- I know it seems crazy but we don't have any money really left for outsourcing. We bought our home a few years ago totally over paid and have already outgrown it. We live in a tiny home for 4 of us and have a huge mortgage. We do have a cleaner once a week but the rest is me.

Declutterijg is definitely what I need to do and I feel my brain is scrambled most days trying to organise everyone that when I try thinknof organising ancupboard I'm just too distracted or shattered by the time I get to it. Mountains of baby clothes I've got to sift through I wanted to Ebay that I never got round to it etc. These things I feel never get off my list as I have so much else on there as per the above...

OP posts:

Mamia15 · 16/08/2019 22:10

Your Dh is a selfish twat. Why have more DC with him.

Fuck trying to make him happy. He obviously does not care about your happiness.

Stop doing his chores - no cooking, laundry, etc for him.

Focus on yourself and the DC. Buy in help for yourself - not for him. Let go of the unimportant stuff - you can't do everything.

Sunshinegirl82 · 16/08/2019 22:36

Don't bother eBaying baby clothes. You'll get buggar all for them and you'll have faff about posting them off to people.

If you really want to sell them stick them on a local Facebook selling page in bundles and get people to collect. Or give them to a charity shop/refuge. Don't make your life harder than it needs to be. I take the view that unless something is worth a reasonable amount (at least £20) then unless you're desperate for the money selling stuff can be more hassle than it's worth.

Your DH might not care about dinner the odd night but he might start to when he's had a sandwich every night for 2 weeks and has no clean clothes. Anyway, he should care about these things because he's supposed to love you and you care!

Have you read the article "she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink"? You might find it interesting.

burblife · 16/08/2019 22:56

It did take me a while to get used to checking the app for jobs but I've trained myself now to check each morning when I wake up and at lunchtime while the kids eat (currently on mat leave). I add jobs whenever I think of them and usually have a quick brainstorm before bed for the next few days.

It's a simple app, no logging in etc. Just type in eg 'make gp appointment tues #admin' and it will save to the right place with a deadline and then one more click to allocate to me or DH.

I find it stops all the little jobs whirring round my head and means when I have a spare 5 mins I can easily check off a quick task as I've already done the thinking about it if that makes sense.

Tbh it sounds like something like that might help, but mostly you need to reduce your to do list! Delegate or outsource what you can.

Redken24 · 16/08/2019 23:01

I didn't read all your posts but here is my advice. Kick him out.
If he isn't a helpful parent to your children why on earth are you living together? You run yourself ragged and that wasn't enough he couldn't see things needed to change?
Sorry but I cant see what he brings to the table from your posts.
You want him to change but you say yourself he doesn't even want to do bath times or tel you when he's home. Sounds like a weird power trip.

Original poster

nickname7890 · 17/08/2019 07:13

Thank you everyone
I will stop the eBaying/ download todo its and stop doing his washing (issue is a bulging laundry basket in my bedroom drives me insane!)

On outsourcing I know you're right and maybe cutting back somehow to pay for extra help a few weeks would help
I just don't know what to outsource. I guess it's organisation and tidying that gets me down
The day to day drudgery of it all...the cupboards bulging with old toys etc that takes up my efforts every day and make eg the batchcooking or clothes sorting or immunisation sorting etc feel so burdensome.
Is a housekeeper for 2 hours a week even a possibility ?!?

I asked him to commit to tuesdays beinghome for bathtime he said absolutely impossible and he would lose business
Obviously I don't want that as we need his job

OP posts:

Otter46 · 17/08/2019 07:23

Not your responsibility to keep your husband well fed and happy.

What’s worked for us (similar working situatuon and kids) is to set up a WhatsApp group just for the two of you. Life admin that needs doing goes in there. Eg dentist appointment needs booking, child needs new wellies. Put it down and then divide it up. Don’t take no for an answer :’DH you ring the surgery and book child one in for a check up, I’ll take the gas meter reading and sort that.’ You can also put recipes, food shopping list etc

clucky3 · 17/08/2019 07:45

Your husband is a prick

birdsdestiny · 17/08/2019 10:44

Then as I said before you need to decide whether you can live like this as he is clearly telling you be won't change. I am sorry but all the apps and lists in the world won't change this.

Loopytiles · 17/08/2019 10:53

Yeah, apps and stuff pointless when the problem is clearly your H.

Sunshinegirl82 · 17/08/2019 16:25

How convenient.

He won't muck in OP, it's pretty clear he views all this as beneath him and up to you.

Either you accept it and find a way to deal with it or you leave. I wouldn't even bother with lists etc. Unless it's purely for your own benefit as otherwise it will just be another thing for you to manage.

Original poster

nickname7890 · 18/08/2019 07:44

Thank you everyone
I get it.and I have been down the path previously of saying I'll leave him etc (it was particularly bad last year when I was pregnant last year and working) but it had little impact he doesn't change. So I made my peace with the fact that I may have this for a few years and then maybe I leave him when I have that space to think it through and know it is the best thing for my family and for me to go through it. Emotionally it's not going to be easy neither logistically and financially. I keep telling myself I need to try harder. I am not faultless here- I really say horrid things when pushed to my limits bc I'm so desperate for him to change. I love this man so want to try hence looking for ways around this to make it work but I hear what you say and I know you are all right thinking he isn't pulling his weight enough I just wanted to give it one last shot I guess. I feel weary and teary at the thought of the alternative

OP posts:

clucky3 · 18/08/2019 07:50

But you don't need to try harder, he does.

Sunshinegirl82 · 18/08/2019 08:37

You're tying yourself up in knots about this, trying to be "better" trying to find a way to make it work. How much headspace do you think he gives it? I'm guessing not much.

Original poster

nickname7890 · 18/08/2019 08:48

I know and you're right but it's just not that easy just to walk away. We would have to sell our home I would have to split seeing my children and I do have a relationship with this man albeit not the one I hoped for. I hear what you say it's just I don't know whether I'm chasing something that doesn't exist or entertaining something that would
Make more people -most importantly my children- v unhappy in the short term with the hope of improvement and finding companionship elsewhere as well

Divorcing someone I have seen ruins lives. It's just something I guess I hoped I could avoid

OP posts:

LiveInAHidingPlace · 18/08/2019 10:32

"Make more people -most importantly my children- v unhappy in the short term with the hope of improvement"

Do you think your children are happy now? It sounds like you barely get a chance to spend quality time with them anyway since you're run ragged.

And what message are you sending them about future relationships? that it's ok for the woman to be running around killing herself getting everything done, while the man gets off scot free..

birdsdestiny · 18/08/2019 10:40

To be fair I don't think the divorce/ don't divorce decision is one that can be made by anyone but you. I have seen children made very unhappy by divorce and I have heard adults talk about the stress of living in an unhappy home. No one can guarantee anything in regards to that. But I think it will help you if you are clear on the choice you are making. From what you have said I think the choice you have is between leaving and continuing to live like this. There are some tweaks you can make such as not cooking/ washing for him but nothing will fundamentally change because he doesnt want it to.

Flip

1 2