Who can help 18 year old who will not engage?

[KittyC4]

Hi,

I have written on the SEN threads about my youngest son. However, I need advice directly related to employment, so I thought I would place a question here.

My son is 18. He had some school-based intervention throughout his school career because he needed support in literacy and maths and he had some communication problems at primary school (would not speak in class and would not speak to teachers). However, he coasted along in the lowest sets.

In Year 9, in the middle of a serious family crisis, he stopped attending school. He was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and received a little education from a home tutor and later, at a PRU (less than 5 hrs a week). He officially left school in 2017 with no real qualifications.

Since then he has had 1 week at college. He stopped attending and was asked to leave the course and he has been offered two jobs, but he left one at lunchtime of the first day and the other after two days. He attended a training curse for two months last year and then left.

The problem is, I feel like I am not helping him. At his request, I look for jobs on online sites, we fill in the applications together and we have constructed a CV together. However, interviews have become much less frequent as his length of inactivity grows.

He will not consider voluntary work or courses such as The Prince's Trust or any college course, no matter how I present these.

I just want to know if there is any agency that I can contact who could provide some external guidance. I just do not know what support is available or who to contact.

He is not on anyone's radar. That is to say, he is not under any mental health team, the LA have ceased his EHCP because he is not accessing education and he has no diagnosed disability. He refuses to sign on (although I do not know how long this can continue) and his only 'social' contact is the gym. Yet there must be some group that can help. I feel I am almost facilitating his non-engagement because he is effectively hidden away.

Any advice would be welcome.

Can you ask the gym if there any volunteering roles, jobs, or apprenticeship he can do there?

young minds

Maybe a job at a gym then?
I’m not sure there are any particular groups; young people who sit between SEN and mainstream are not well served.
I think I would stop accepting his behaviours and allowing inactivity. He needs to understand the adult world requires interaction and effort.
Stop funding his gym etc - I assume you are funding it - unless he at least signs on.
Set very clear ground rules - he may be an adult technically but is interacting as a child so you need to build on his strengths and give him structure. A family crisis four or five years ago is not really a valid excuse anymore.
Stop doing things like laundry and nag him to doing it himself. Stop buying clothes (except work clothes, perhaps). Stop buying him non essential food. Turn off the internet except for an hour a day or so.
Go with him to college perhaps and speak with the SEN support team there to see if there is a course he could access - maybe linked to fitness and gym.
Insist on and reward improvement in literacy. Use magazine linked to fitness perhaps and return to primary days where you do a half hour a day.
Encourage new activities - try Fairbridge Drake who do brilliant work with disaffected youngsters.
Could you find him a mentor that he respects? We used a local garage owner for our foster son who aspired to be a mechanic but who left school illiterate. He eventually worked for his mentor as a mechanic but it wasn’t an easy road getting him there.

could you try a mental health charity as they might have employment programmes?

What about an apprenticeship? Maybe one in sport?

You should try to get him signed on at the JC and maybe some voluntary work?

Thank you. He was offered an apprenticeship at a local garage, about six months ago. He walked out after a day. The owner of the garage was sympathetic when I contacted him, but my son refused to return. I still don't know exactly why he walked out.

I am working on the JC thing but ultimately, I cannot force him.

Ugh, this is my relative - except he's now 25 and still at home.

I feel I am almost facilitating his non-engagement because he is effectively hidden away.

You are, as harsh as it sounds. My Aunt and Uncle realise now that their kindness has actually hurt my cousin more than it helped.

He needs to understand the adult world requires interaction and effort.

THIS. Can you rent him a room locally? Tell him you'll pay for 3 months, but after that he needs to fund himself? I agree that he's too comfy in the current situation - free food, Internet, no responsibilities. Forcing him out of that comfort zone might be the wake-up call he needs.

”he has had 1 week at college. He stopped attending and was asked to leave the course and he has been offered two jobs, but he left one at lunchtime of the first day and the other after two days. He attended a training course for two months last year and then left.”

Seems like he feels he has the option to walk out of all these opportunities.

”I am working on the JC thing but ultimately, I cannot force him.”

Most people are forced to sign on because they don’t have any money to live on unless they do. If your son chooses to walk out of paying jobs, surely he has to sign on to get something to live on?!

Whereabouts in the country do you live? Different councils commission different organisations to help with engagement - you May have to pay though if he doesn't have an EHCP.

Have you contacted your local FE college to see if anyone will do a home visit with him?

Often I find that if a young person can make a relationship with one member of staff then they can be cajoled into doing a course.

I'm sure the aPrince's Trust team leader would come and do a home visit - I know he says he doesn't want to do it but might be worth a try?

This is exactly like my brother! Except that he is 23 and he rents his own apartment now - burlt he left college after couole of months and the most he worked in his life was 3 days. He now funds himself while playing on a computer - he can afford rent, food, a nice car etc. But he is not engaging with outside world at all. I honestly think this is my parents fault.

The army can help. They will motivate him.

And he won’t be able to quit.

Signing on maybe the key. My friends son has learning disabilities. He finally applied for jobseekers and was put in touch with a local charity who helped him find work.

Where are you OP?

Suggest he needs to apply for Universal credit/job seekers allowance.
Apply on www.gov.uk
He will receive appointment to attend job centre. Will need to take proof of identification.
He will need to apply for jobs & attend job centre once a week to sign on
He should receive some money
His money will be cut if he doesn't obey the rules
This also pays his stamp towards his state pension whilst he is not working
This is serious stuff