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Dealing with obnoxious colleague at work..

4 replies

YouDidntJustSayThat · 17/06/2019 12:43

..when you are a total lightweight like me.

They are rude, obnoxious and intimidating. I am quiet, very unconfident and easily intimidated.

How to cope?

OP posts:
DirtyDennis · 17/06/2019 12:48

They are rude, obnoxious and intimidating

These are three quite different things, OP, to be dealt with in different ways.

Can you explain what you mean by "intimidating"? Can you give an example?

Can you also say more about your workplace? Do you work closely with this person? Do you have HR?

Would the following stock phrases help:
"That was rude"
"Can you stop being rude"
"I won't be doing anything to help until you ask politely"
"Can you please treat me with some respect"
"I will help you when you start saying please/thank you"
"Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking"

Hard to know what's best without knowing the situation

maxelly · 17/06/2019 16:33

Yes depends a bit, what kind of behaviour are we talking about and is it just to you or is s/he the same towards everyone? What is the impact of the behaviour, i.e. is it just rudeness to colleagues or is it actually to customers/clients as well with the result that business is lost? Does the person's line manager know about the behaviour and is any action being taken/likely to be taken?

I too am really conflict avoidant but I've successfully worked with some people who are known as 'difficult'. Mainly I pick my battles and overlook a lot of stuff which is just lack of manners/superficial rudeness. I meet most rudeness with a sort of blank politeness, 'I see...pause....what do you think we should do about that?' to a big complainy shouting rant. I think generally people back off a bit if they realise they aren't going to get much reaction from me. It's fine to not always challenge every little thing and people will generally fundamentally not change the way they are no matter what you do so its crucial to not tie yourself in knots trying to change their behaviour.

Do take protective measures like avoiding being alone with the person, confirming contents of conversations in emails so that you have a record, whatever works for this particular individual.

Do have a safe venting place/person, ideally someone not at work, who you can say 'you won't believe what X just said to me...' to...

If I do have to directly talk to someone about their behaviour I use tactics I've been taught in 'constructive conversations' courses. You could see if there's anything available at your work similar but some of the techniques are:

-Always address the specific behaviour/its impact, don't be general or personal. E.g. 'I noticed you were shouting in that last conversation with Judy. Shouting is aggressive behaviour and Judy looked upset' not 'You are rude and aggressive and you've upset Judy". The latter tends just to lead to direct denial or tit for tat accusations. Direct examples are harder to contradict.

-Have a conversation as soon as possible after the event, but not in the heat of the moment. Try and pull people aside into 'neutral ground' and have conversations in a private space not in the open.

-Try and set expectations/turn the conversation towards the behaviour you do want to see not what you don't e.g. 'In future please do not raise your voice' rather than 'stop shouting'.

Good luck!

maxelly · 17/06/2019 16:37

Or rather in that last example it should be something like 'in future please speak in a calm tone of voice, pause for breath if you feel yourself getting heated and speak at the same volume as the person you are talking to" rather than 'stop shouting'.

msmith501 · 17/06/2019 16:39

Would "feel free to fuck off"... be over the top? I suggest it slightly tongue in cheek but in my experience as an older person, something so out of the ordinary as a response can often have the desired effect. Bullies bully cos they are too often enabled...

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