AIBU My husband thinks I should have a plan

[Jjjeph]

Help me please! I was on a fixed term contract until 39th March 2018 and then I went on to statutory maternity which ended in Jan 2019. I applied for jobs starting in Dec and have had four interviews which I have not been successful at. I've been applying for part-time jobs which in qualified for vaguely so not succeeding at interviews as I'm sure there are better qualified and experienced candidates. All of my interview feedback is along these lines. I have tried to start a business but I'm not yet seeing a return. I really feel like a horrible failure and my husband reinforces this. He said I should have started applying sooner and that I should have a plan. TBH it makes me hate him I feel like I'm doing everything can and if he can't see that I wish he would leave me. I'm beating myself up enough him adding to it is really disappointing.

So do you think there is more I could be doing? Am I unreasonable to not have a plan past getting a job and trying to start up a business?

It's all making me lose any self-belief I had. I've never had problems getting jobs before have often had fixed-term contracts. But since having my baby it's so much harder I can't be as flexible with hours, what I earn is not much more than the cost of childcare. I used to work in partnership with JCP’s now find myself having to sign on to Jobseekers which I will admit is a blow to my ego.

But my husband implies that I'm not doing enough and want to stay at home. I actually don't I'm desperate for adult conversation and to get out if the house.

This is a long rant I may have had wine. But I think I need a sanity check!!

Hi OP,

I don't think I can give you any advice, however I could've written your post. Pretty much in the same situation after baby no2.

I've been applying for months, stat mat running out in June, so effectively I've got 1 month and no sights on anything concrete - haven't even had an interview for weeks...
You're so right, it's so limiting suddenly having to take into account not being as flexible with location/hours, having been out if the workforce for a long period, and those horrible childcare costs

So, as u I said, not really any advice. But just wanted to let you know, you're not alone and something will come along!

Don't let your husband, or anyone else for that matter, bring you down! It's hard work being a mum, and it takes time to adjust and fit everything in. You'll get there!! Good luck!!

Well there’s no point in your husband going on about what you should have done is there, that can’t be changed. What does he suggest you do to “try harder”? Bet he’s not got any suggestions has he, just criticism!

The sad reality is that it’s not that easy to find flexible work when you’re starting a new job, it’s much easier if you have an existing employer you’re returning to. There’s a lot of competition for decent flexible jobs too.

What I would do is work out which employers in your town to target. See if you can find out who offers flexibility etc, and pays the salary you want. Public sector jobs tend to be more flexible, but you won’t get to start one of those by June. In the mean time, sign up with a few agencies now with a view to starting in June, so at least you are working at some job or another - it doesn’t matter what for now, but for some reason it really is easier to get a job when you already have a job.

Arrange some childcare now so you can be definite about your availability - I appreciate that may be difficult if you don’t have the £ at the moment, but it will be much harder to secure work if you haven’t made a plan for this. Your husband needs to pitch in with helping with/paying for the childcare, and to take advantage of any flexible working his work offers.

And always, always discuss flexible working with a new employer as soon as you’ve been offered the job, don’t start and think you can work it out later.

Good luck with it all!

I have had those conversations, and many years later they are haunting me as he's using it in divorce proceedings (I have a dd with asd so work pt). Work out on a spreadsheet what you need to earn for bills, also childcare bills (until 3) and childcare until school age if you work 30+ hours - this may be enlightening to your dp as after childcare your pay may be very small. If you can bring in a similar amount to the net amount without childcare costs then you can show him. The "not enough around the house" is another worry, he sounds like he isn't understanding that childcare is a job!

Is your husband rearranging his hours so you can be more accommodating with potential new employers? What’s he doing to help? Will he put in a flexible working request to cover drop off or pick ups or is it all falling to you?

I have to say, If you are looking for a job that allows you to do all the child duties that’s going to make it 10x harder.

The OP wants to get out of the house and work. So focusing on the cost of childcare won't help. The husband can pay for the childcare and the money is pooled as family money so don't think of it as being offset against just her earnings.

It's a trap to think that way - leads to the mother staying home and losing value in the job market.

OP, you should apply for every job you're qualified for, regardless of the hours. Worry about the hours after you get the job. Then tell your husband that he needs a plan for childcare.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. It is really helpful to hear from others that are in the same boat. My son is the light of my life but being at home with him has made me isolated in so many ways and all the other mums I've met irl seem to be the ones who present the Instagram perfect life to the world!

I know I'm doing everything I can I just needed reassuring as I feel that my husband is sort of gaslighting me about this. He has a real complex about me being at home and him working. He needs to get over it!!

I don't mean to drip feed but I'm lucky enough to have two days free childcare from family but this is not simple as my family live 20 mins north of me and my nearest city (where most jobs are) is 20 mins south of me which means I would have an hour commute on top. I also suffer with fibromyalgia which makes some jobs I could easily apply for impossible like care jobs as I'm not able to consistently lift.

But thanks again for taking the time to reply it really means a lot

Could you try temp work op?

Yes I would however they type of jobs I'm qualified for tend to be fixed term rather than temp.

I think id recommend joining a temp agency. And talking through with them your skills and what hours you can do and see what is available. Sometimes being able to type, make coffee, be presentable,and answer the phone is enough.

IME though, fixed term jobs tend to lead to permanent roles if they like you and do the job well.
I echo what the poster upthread said- book childcare now, so that as soon as you have something you can start.
Also, don't use family if it's adding an hour to.your commute in each direction! You need professional childcare so that there are no issues with "oh he didn't want his lunch so I gave him chocolate" etc, and it's in a location that works for you and husband dropping off and picking up.

I say this now- if your husband does no pick-ups or drop-offs, do NOT have another child with him. It really sounds like you can't rely on him from your post, I'm sorry. Once you're back on your feet working, building your career don't step off that ladder again if he isn't prepared to support his family, because a few years down the line you'll likely be going it alone.

I had a really tough time in a similar situation and, as someone who had previously been a high-attainer and sailed into jobs, the problem of trying to square the circle of childcare vs location vs salary was a real shock to me. Plus horrible pressure from DH... This was after being treated badly in pregnancy and pretty much forced out of a senior job.

To be honest, until that moment I didn’t really believe that women experienced issues or barriers to getting into the workplace - but my eyes pinged wide open!

All the advice above is good. Try to target employers that have a good reputation for flexible working as that will make things easier in the long run. I ended up staying for seven years in the job I eventually got!

@stucknoue sorry to ask, but are his complaints he being taken seriously in the process? Worried that I might find myself in the same position one of these days...

Why don't you look for fixed term contracts whilst you work out what you want to do?

I did this approx. 2 years ago when DD was 18 months/2 years old and I was juggling the nursery free time, childcare if I needed it and also wanted to get back into work, I'd only been off until DD was 18 months.

I've managed to get fixed term contracts with at least 1 day a week working from home and although generally they prefer you to work 9/9.30-5/5.30 that isn't set in stone and some contracts if I make up the time I can come in later. I've managed to get 2 days WFH in my current contract and I will get at least 1 day WFH in my next role. If you do want to apply for permanent roles within these organisations - mostly government - that is encouraged. However, more and more firms are looking to give workers flexible working - WFH and if you put a business case to them they can accept this or not - not sure how this works in practice as I'm not in that position yet. Quite a few professional companies e.g. one huge big 4 accountants where I worked offered 1-2 days a week WFH.

re childcare from family - either factor this into your commute time with the drop off of 20 minutes or forget about it via family and find another childcare option.

I've also done the spreadsheet re how much I earn versus free childcare, e.g. nursery etc and went over this with DH and reviewed when necessary. I pointed out to DH like you that I needed to and had to work from when she was 18 months and luckily I had friends and family who went back when their DC were similar ages. I did have DH's support not to go back to work until DD started school approx. 4 years old full time but I really didn't want to do that as I think I'd have got very bored.

I cant really tell from your post how many applications you are doing and how much time youre spending on the business.

I work in a jobcenter in another eu country and we really encourage people to write themselves a weekly timetable. Have set periods of time where you search for vacancies, another for targetting cv and application (although youre getting interviews so think you do that quite well), add some times for exercise and something social.

Keep a log of jobs to apply for and those you have, and if you are following up when to do that. Set yourself smart goals. Is there anyone who could mentor you with the business?