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Original poster

Help, am I going to screw up my baby?

43 replies

susie100 · 11/07/2007 16:17

Hello all,
I have not posted on here before but on the childbirth thread as am due to have my baby in 5 weeks. I was having dinner with my mother last night and we started talking about interviewing nannies as I plan to go back to work somewhere between 6 to 9 months after DC is born and 4 days a week.
My mother had a real rant at me about how I will never get that time back again, someone else will bring up my baby, child will be insecure, will miss first steps and words and she says when I hold the baby in my arms I won't want to go back.
All very supportive I am sure you will agree but is she right?
Financially I can't really afford not to go back to work but equally we would not be on the bread line if I did not work.
She made a few comments about how it was a shame dp did not earn enough to be the sole breadwinner which really annoyed me. I just don't think that is an option for many people these days, espcially living in London with mortgage but it did make me start to question my decision!
I do think I would miss the intellectual stimulation and I work for a great, small company where I am valued and well paid, I really like the social side so I will think very carefully about giving this up, I don't think I would find anything similar easily.
So is she right? Will I regret going back to work? I am crazy for worrying about this now? Should I tell mum to but out?

OP posts:

BirdyArms · 11/07/2007 20:35

My Mum was very similar - I went back to work 3 days a week after ds1 much to her disapproval but once she realised how well it was working for us she shut up. I was really in 2 minds about going back after ds1 but enjoyed it so much when I did, it was definitely the right decision.

Ds2 is now 4 months and I am in the midst of hiring a nanny so that I can go back again mid-August. DH has a new job so it's not as much of a financial necessity this time but I think it's necessary for my own mental health. Mother has again been very disapproving, has reduced me to tears (but not in front of her) on several occasions. Now that she can see that I've made my mind up she has gone very quiet but can feel her disapproval down the phone when I try to chat to her about finding a nanny.

Really just saying that I know where you're coming from and you should do what you think is the right thing for you. You might not know what that is post baby but as others have said you can always change your mind.

motherinferior · 11/07/2007 20:42

Oh, you poor thing.

You have no idea how you'll feel - but you may well really want to go back to work (I did). Or you may want to work a different number of days, or work for a while and then stop if your circumstances change.

Grrr at your mum.

Judy1234 · 11/07/2007 21:20

My mother was always supportive and I worked full time. Just ignore her or talk about how you suffered because she stayed at home and how let down you feel that she never had a proper career and you were denied things you otherwise could have had and say how glad you are she raised the issue because you really feel she let you down and you always wanted to say so and you are determined not to make the same mistakes she did.

I went back to work after 2 - 4 weeks with each of the 5 children full time and never regretted it. The oldest is 22. You could ask her and none of them at all would wish I hadn't worked. It's brought huge benefits to this family and we've always had fun and spent time together too.
Your mother sounds sexist to the core. Buy her a book on feminism for her birthday.

mollymawk · 11/07/2007 21:27

Your mother is talking tosh.
You may decide you do not want to go back, but that is for you to decide when the time comes. You may well feel differently then than you do now, but again that will be your judgement. If you do go back it will not make your child suffer. Any more than the millions and millions of children throughout history who have been looked after by various people as well as their mothers.

Jojay · 11/07/2007 21:29

Get her the book

'The Good Granny Guide' by Jean Fearnley-Whittingstall ( I think)

I gave it to my Mum and MIL when I was pregnant and they haven't put a foot wrong yet.....!!!

Mum told me there was a section in there about NOT giving your daughter a guilt trip about going back to work.

I've just gone back to work 3 days a week - ds is 7 months now - and I love it - I was starting to go bonkers at home.

You won't know how you feel until the baby is here, but equally, having a baby doesn't change you into a completely different person, and if you enjoy and value your job now, and like the money it brings, you are likely to feel that way this time next year too.

Lostmykeys · 11/07/2007 21:34

For what its worth go back to work when you are ready and 6 months later your mum will be eating her words. My whole family and in laws were anti nursery, but now they are totally for it seeing how well my two dc get on. There is a lot to be said for quality childcare so be happy with the nanny you leave you baby with.

LaDiDudleyDursley · 11/07/2007 21:39

Sorry to hear that your mum has been so insensitive and upsetting.

I went back to work when dd was 8months old and I was very ready to go back. I work full-time, sometimes with night shifts and 13 hour days, but it's definitely the right thing for me, dd (now 14months) and dp. I do sometimes feel gulity if I work several long days in a row and barely see dd but I make up for this at other times. I really can't imagine not working. I think that if we had another dc I might drop my hours to 0.8wte but not sure. I do know that staying at home full-time would have had a negative impact on my mental health and that dd is doing well and loves me very much . _

3andnomore · 11/07/2007 21:58

Susie, only you will know what is best for all off you.
I am mainly a SAHM, have a as and when Relief residential care worker job, so, it kind of doesn't really count, as I tend to work when dh isn't, but I really don't think that, as long as good and preferable permanent childcare arrangements are made. A child can bond with many people and will benefit from all those bonds.
If you would miss going to work, then being a SAHM would not make you happy nor would it make your family happy. Obviously you may feel, once the Baby has arrived, that you love it all, and if you somehow can manage wihtout you working, you may well decide to do that....but don't feel pressurised into anything....I really thing there are advantages and disadvantages to both, as with everything in this world.
Live your Life and don't let your mum upset you...easier said then done, I know!

Original poster

susie100 · 12/07/2007 15:37

Jojay - thank you very much for your suggestion - on order for all 3 three - mum, mil and step mil!!

Xenia - I certainly don't feel I suffered at the hands of my mother. She certainly did not have a conventional 'high flying' career. She did actually work part time in teaching and loved it. I remember her looking glamourous before heading off to work and feeling proud of her. Seeing her going to work was certainly a 'good thing' for me which makes her outburst even more bizarre. My job is certainly more time intensive than hers I suppose and you are right she is a bit old fashioned in many ways.

It is funny though how everybody gets so bossy when you are pregnant and have young babies, telling you what is best for YOUR baby, sigh.
Thank you for all the suggesions and tips on here - I am going to worrying about this now and start worrying about my other favourite topics like the birth, the pain arghhh

OP posts:

Malfoynomore · 12/07/2007 16:28

Susie,maybe your mum is regretting it now, that she worked, maybe she feels she missed out?

Original poster

susie100 · 12/07/2007 17:22

Hmmm Malfoynomore, I am not sure as she really did not work very much, probaly 15 hours a week when I was at school so she did not really miss out on things.

OP posts:

Malfoynomore · 12/07/2007 17:39

no, then it really doesn't make that much sense....

Judy1234 · 13/07/2007 15:34

Interestingly no one ever was bossy or told me what to do. I would have liked some debates about it.

Tortington · 13/07/2007 15:37

unless your child has a disability ( note the disclaimr) first steps, first words and first everythng re sooo over rated.

its like - wow my kid can wak - or talk - big fucking deal

Original poster

susie100 · 13/07/2007 15:50

Ohhh sorry Xenia was not implying YOU were being bossy and I really appreciate all the comments on here. I was referring to my mother and generally old biddies who keep on bombarding me with 'tips' from circa 1890.
I should probably be grateful but feeling like I have read too much and have information overload!

OP posts:

Malfoynomore · 13/07/2007 16:15

Xenia, don't think anyone would want to mess with you
Hope you know how I mean it I mean who want to argue with someone in the law!

Judy1234 · 13/07/2007 16:24

After she died I had my mother's baby diaries typed up from when I was about age 2 - 8 are most of them. Fascinating but what it does mostly show is her mature almost modern approach to bringing up children. It's interesting to read about times before you have conscious memory. When I had our first baby I do remember the care she and my ex mother in law exercised in trying hard not to interfere, in keeping away when we wanted them away, in feeling their way diplomatically over most issues and I'm very grateful for that caution. In the next 10 years I'm likely to be a grandmother and I hope I can get the balance as right. You need a parent who supports your choices and offers help without thrusting it on you when you don't want it and who doesn't undermine you and rings up regularly to say how well you're doing.

LoveAngel · 13/07/2007 23:18

Firstly, and most importantly, you are certainly NOT going to be a 'bad mum'! Right, now that's out the way...

Its pretty off that your mum made you you feel so anxious and unsure of yourself at a time in your life when you need her support. I think you should try to explain that to her next time you see her. Resist the urge to rant, but explain to her how what she said made you feel and ask that she tries to support you through what is going to be a life changing experience, rather than fuel your worries and fears. You need back-up, not a constant stream of her opinions on your life. Be calm though. Deal with it openly and maturely (ie. take the higher moral ground) and you'll feel good about it. The truth is - she may be incapable of this. She may be one of those mums who is always going to offer unhelpful 'advice' (my MIL is like this - she opens her mouth and out falls a load of shite to make me feel like a bad mum, and I swear, I don't even think its vindictive, its just her and her old fashioned, weird way of trying to 'help' me...lol). Not much you can do about that except bite your tongue - eventually you'll gain confidence as a mother and you'll smile sweetly while inwardly thinking 'fuck off, I know my child best, thanks very much!'

Bottom line is - you've got your return to work lined up, you'll have your baby and you'll see how you feel. It might not pan out how you imagined, or it might all run exactly as planned. Either way, you'll muddle through and probably end up with some sort of happy-ish balance like we all do. Don't try to imagine it and overly plan for it all now (you can't, really!) and don't let other people's 'advice' panic you. Whatever you do or don't do, you're about to have a baby - enjoy it :-) xx

xxx

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