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Original poster

Nanny No Mates...

13 replies

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 20:37

I have a fantastic new nanny, she is great with the children, they love her to bits. She does lots of arty stuff with them, takes them out and plays silly games with them. No problem on the work front, but she shows absolutely no inclination to go out at all. She spends most of her free time in her bedroom, hardly ever venturing out of the house. She has a nanny friend who lives down the road, and sees her from time to time, but won't get out and see a bit of the country or even go into town. Another nanny who lives locally (whom she hasn't met, but who has just arrived here) asked her out for a drink tonight. She initially said yes, then rang her back and said no. She told me she doesn't like meeting new strange people.

Her family see this as an opportunity for her to see a bit of Europe and broaden her horizons, but this isn't happening. There is a Nannies and Au Pair's Club here, she has refused to go as she doesn't like meeting strange people (again!) and doesn't see why she should go as she already has one friend here. Her other nanny friend (who is getting a bit fed up with her) has said she will go with her to said club, so she knows at least one person there, but she just sticks her heels in and refuses to go. She often says she is bored at weekends, and I have said (probably a bit harshly) that life will not come looking for her in her bedroom, she has to go out and find it.

She seems quite happy in herself, but I do feel that she is wasting this opportunity. She can't possibly have money worries as she has more disposable cash than I do. I don't feel I can force her to go out, but neither can I pretend to her family that she is having a lovely time here, getting out and having fun. As I have said, she is great with the children, I would just like her to make the most of this experience. I have also offered to pay for language classes for her, so that she can learn French or Dutch, but again, she is not interested.

I have no problem with her being in the house all the time - I am not trying to throw her out at weekends so we have the place to ourselves, I would just like her to have a great time here and make the most of it.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 09/09/2004 20:40

message withdrawn

Original poster

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 20:44

Twiglett, thank you. I certainly don't want to nag her or make her do something she really, really doesn't want to do. She is a lovely girl and has a great sense of humour. She was brave enough to come here and work for us, and I feel that if she can move halfway across Europe with no qualms, then why can't she go out to "play" sometimes?

I might invite the other new nanny round. Our nanny did say on the phone to her tonight that she would ring her over the weekend and perhaps they could do something together. I did feel a bit sorry for the other girl who is only 18 and was clearly making the effort, when she was let down at the last minute.

OP posts:

Aero · 09/09/2004 21:16

Honestly Tanzie, inviting someone round for her is really not such a good idea. I was a nanny myself, many moons ago and spent a lot of time in my room. I'd have hated it if my well meaning employer had put me in such a position where I felt uncomfortable. I was (still am) warm and friendly, but I was (and am) more than capable of making my own friends, but it's something that took time and I liked it that way. I get on well with most people, but the friends I value most are small in number! I'm sure she will make friends with this girl who is making the effort, but in her own time. She will also make the most of this experience, but in her own way.
You are clearly a lovely person to work for and you want her to be happy in your home, and enjoy her time with you, but your main concern is that your children are happy and properly looked after in her care. If she's happy enough in herself, then I would leave well enough alone. She'll get there in the end with friends, going out etc - some people are just more confident at that than others!
I honestly don't mean to offend you or your kindness to her by saying this, just that I know what it's like in her shoes and I truly was happy to spend a considerable amount of my time alone, while slowly getting to know the area and meeting a few people I had something in common with.HTH

Original poster

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 21:38

Thanks Aero. I don't want J to feel uncomfortable and I'd only invite the new nanny round after asking her - eg J might feel happier about meeting her on her own turf, so to speak. But J has just told me she feels bad about letting new nanny down at the last minute and is asking her other nanny friend if all three of them can go out at the weekend. And she rang new nanny to suggest this as well. I am not convinced she is that happy spending so much time in her room - she does keep saying she is bored, after all!!

OP posts:

whymummy · 09/09/2004 21:43

tanzie,could it be that she's scared?when i came to england as an au pair i was terrified of going out,it didn't help that at the same time another spanish au pair was attacked in a park and had her tongue cut off (not that the maniac was after spanish au pairs but it really affected me)i was also extremely homesick and didn't feel like doing anything,it got better after a month or so,do you think she could be scared or homesick?

Original poster

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 21:56

She doesn't seem scared or homesick. She is quite happy to go for walks locally on her own, and has managed to get herself into town and back on her own, and to another town on the bus. I think she would like to do more, but would like someone to do it with, but is very nervous of making the initial contact. The other nanny is quite a bit older than J and has taken her under her wing a bit. She has been here for six months now, and has been home twice in that time (for 6 weeks over the summer).

OP posts:

whymummy · 09/09/2004 22:06

i wished my employer had been as nice as you,she didn't let me go to english lessons,i worked from 7 am till 7pm,6 days a week and had to share a bedroom with the two children,mind you the money was good,£30 a week!!!!!
your nanny is very lucky and don't worry she'll be fine

Original poster

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 22:11

Oh, thank you, Whymummy! Mine works from about 0830 (well she is up then, I ask her to get up before the girls go to school in case I need to tell her anything- she may go back to bed when we've gone!) until around 1930 (I try to get home abit earlier but am rarely back before 1830), and gets paid overtime for any time past 1800. Her nanny friend said she thought perhaps J didn't have much money, which was why she didn't go out much. I didn't like to say that she earned almost twice what she earned (and will go up to almost 3 times soon as I am giving her a substantial rise). Now she most definitely is exploited and doesn't even get paid extra for babysitting

OP posts:

whymummy · 09/09/2004 22:20

they should pay for the babysitting!!!!!that's not on!if she ever finds out about how much j earns she'll probably start looking for another job,i didn't last as an au pair,one morning i just told my boss to stick her job she was really taking the mick

Original poster

Tanzie · 09/09/2004 22:24

This Nanny Friend (NF!) is excellent, but very definitely exploited. She has just found out that au pairs (who work a lot less hours than she does) earn euros 150 more per month than NF. And that is the LEGAL MINIMUM for au pairs. Her employer (who is a friend of mine ) is very definitely taking the p*ss.

OP posts:

Aero · 10/09/2004 10:12

Yes, making the initial contact is hard! Once the ice is broken, things are a lot easier - it seems like just a confidence thing. She's obviously happy in your home, and your concern for her is heartwarming. I'm sure it won't be long until she finds her feet properly esp as she's been with you for six months now. It's refreshing to see that there are people like as employers! The last time I lived in was so awful and it put me off for life! I just felt so exploited!(Had lived with previous family for a year with no problems!). I left and became a live-out nanny and stayed there for five years, left for a couple of years, then when I had ds1, went back to help them out with the school run and tea etc, until we moved away from London. We're still in regular contact though, and their kids are 17 and 14(twins), and I have three of my own!

Blu · 10/09/2004 10:31

Just to say glad you have found her, anyway - and sorry your old nanny cost you so much. I can see why you want this one to be happy and stay!

Kayley · 17/09/2004 22:35

Tanzie are you in Belgium? I think you are, near Brussels I assume because thats where the au-pair club is

How old is your nanny? I know a lot of the international schools have girls ages 17-18 who are usually pretty friendly and who have a very very good social life (i know i did there!!) do you have any friends who know girls that sort of age, maybe even their own children's babysitters?

There are loads of expat bars in Brussels and Leuven full of young people living in Belgium.

Obviously if she is shy she is shy, but it might be a way for her to meet people...BSB in Tervuren also has sports running at night like netball and hockey so she maybe could go there and meet people?

Oh and a great way to get her out the house is to try and rope her into to working at the weekends, I was out the house like a shot when I worked as an au-pair and they tried to get me to make the kids lunch (aren't I mean!)

If not, just give her lots of maps, tell her about the musuems and let her go it alone? Is she confident on the metro and buses?

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