Lonely at work- age related

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

I’m 56. All my working life l’ve worked with loads of other people. Since my first job after university until about a year ago.

I’ve worked in teams, and had hundreds of colleagues who l laughed with and loved working with. My colleagues were always what got me up in the morning and made me come to work with a smile on my face. Every day l would be crying with laughing st something.

This has been the story of my life for over 30 years.

Now l work in a team where every one is at least 20 years younger than me. They are friendly and affable but l feel really uncomfortable around them. Not because they are unpleasant, but because they are young enough to be my children, and l don’t really have much in common with them.

After years of feeling part of a team l now feel invisible and lonely. It’s starting to affect my life. I could never ever have predicted this would happen. I’m not sure how to deal with it.

Realistically l doubt l could find another job at my age, and l can’t afford to retire

How long have you worked there?

I have to say, the funniest person I ever worked with was about 20 years older than me, eventually I would refer to things as being "our age" as I just lumped her in with my age group, or me with her's, whatever! She could drive me insane though, as could anyone!

If they are friendly etc then, gently, this is your 'discrimination' for want of a better word against them for being younger. It's hard if this is your 'bias', but do stop thinking of them as being young enough to be your children, otherwise that attitude will spill over and cause problems. They are your colleagues, your peers, your equals who happen to like different things to you. Which is totally fine and normal. You could get that with a whole team of 50 something's. You've just perhaps been lucky that you've not experienced this before.

If it's all still fairly new give it time, but do try to work on it if you can. Even if you got another job you could still be in the same position if you don't.

How much of an interest do you take in them? Even if you feel you've not got much in common do you ask them about their families, what they did at the weekends, etc? Then as you get to know them and vice versa you'll build up that relationship??

You might need to be a bit persistent at first if they do tend to chat to each other more as they're more of a similar age. I don't think that a 20 year age gap precludes you from being work mates. I'm friends with a small tight knit group and our age range is from 33 to 52. And I'd say that the oldest and the youngest are the closest in the group!

I take loads of interest in them, they are all lovely. And one if them did tell me l was imposing my own age discrimination on myself. And she was probably right.

But l cannot get round the feeling of being uncomfortable, or not fitting in. I’ve tried to accept it so much, but l can’t get past it.

I’ve been there for about 20 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever felt like this. Perhaps l have been lucky, but that’s not all of it. I work best in a team and all the teams l have ever been in have been great. Now l kind of work alone.🙁

So it is possibly just good old fashioned change from working in a group to on your own rather than the age thing that's getting you a bit twitchy? In a team youre almost forced to chat and getvto know each other as part of collaborating but now you're literally just forced into chit chat at the kettle or wherever. That can be hard for anyone tbh and I don't necessarily think it's an age thing.

I take it your job has changed recently? If youre isolated on your own desk could you suggest you sit within a team and explain you're just missing the interaction with others? I think any reasonable employer would consider that.

No it’s a team. But we all have our own office areas. They all sit together at lunch time, but l don’t.

I feel like the spectre at the feast

I'm in the same situation OP, I'm a bit older than you.
Being chummy didn't work so now I keep myself to myself, act my age and just get on with my work.
I don't ever try to be one of the kids, it goes down badly although I'm pleasant enough. I don't really care as I have friends outside of work including friends 20 and 30 years younger.

They all sit together at lunch time, but l don’t.

Why don't you sit with them at lunchtime? Have they actually made you feel unwelcome?

Isn't there one of them who you can find a common interest with - books you've read, places you've been to....?

I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well. They are all lovely and friendly and we have lots in common. Lots. Similar music tastes, dress tastes, attitudes and politics.

But even with all of this, l still feel uncomfortable. I can’t explain why. It’s to do with different times in the cycle of life.

I think I understand what you mean. I’ve definitely experienced workplaces a lot like this - particularly in creative industries like publishing and digital marketing, which move fast - and have noticed colleagues who are a bit older feeling out of place, despite having lots in common and people being friendly to them. Stuff that might help could be:

• Getting involved with projects that would allow you to network more widely across the business. This might might allow you to work with a broader range of people than those in your direct team

• Seeing if people might be interested in doing activities at lunch or after work, e.g. a book club, which again might attract a wider range of people

• Getting to know people in other teams, or maybe even considering whether you’d be happier working in a different team, if there are any other areas of the business that you might have crossover skills for

If you are happy with the actual role you’re doing, then I’d probably stay put. Perhaps increase the amount of social stuff you do outside of work, and just see work as a job.

I'm OP but this sounds like it's more to do with you than them... sit with them for lunch.

One of my dearest friends I met at work, she's older than my mum. At the time I started I was 22 & she was 59 we worked together for 7 years & when she retired I was absolutely gutted. We continued to meet up for lunch occasionally but I really missed her. Then I left for my maternity leave & now its great that we got to see more of each other again

I do think it’s partly me, but l still feel uncomfortable.

But if you are 56 and they are 20 years younger, they are no Spring chickens themselves. I could understand it more if they were al early twenties.

When people get older, they usually get more senior in the organisation which automatically narrows the colleagues they can hang out with anyway. Are you at a job which you are roughly at the same level as your younger colleagues and therefore feel you should be socialising with them, as opposed to understanding why they would not want to hang out with their manager?

How many people do you work with?

I'm 36 so presumably the same age as your colleagues. Others I know in their 30s are all at different stages of their lives, as it were. Some had kids young and now have teens, others have just had their first baby, then again others (like me) have decided not to have kids at all. Similarly some people I know from university etc. live in houseshares while others have houses and mortgages. Some go out every weekend, others love knitting and stay at home. In short, I don't think you can assume they are all this homogeneous group of 30-somethings and you are not part of the group because you are older.

My closest work colleague is early 60s and we have lots in common and have a laugh about things all the time. I think most adults have friends of all ages really - some 20 years younger, some 20 years older?

Is there something else that has made you isolate yourself from them?

The best colleague I ever had (and ever will, I think) was 25 years older than me. Amazing person. Don't count yourself out.

Well that's just silly.
I also work in a team where 2 people are young enough to be my children. I respect them they respect me , we have a laugh a mutual interests and discuss work etc . I don't understand why you feel this way .

OP - I work with younger people too, and the youngest could almost be my DGC. I don't even think about ages, we are all work colleagues and here to work together to get jobs done. I never talk about my age and nor does anyone else. It's not really relevant.

At lunch time, why do you stay in? I always go out for a walk, a breath of air and enjoy a bit of down time in the park or in a local coffee shop or look around the shops.

OP you don’t need to be the same age to get on with others. It could be you not putting enough effort into getting to know them or just you don’t actually have enough in common, like you say. Either way just look for common ground, as little as it may be.

It sounds as though you need to get your self confidence back on-track. A coach can help you with this.

Surely you must have something in common with them? Most of my friends are older than me, we have plenty to talk about.