Please help I'm desperate

[frightenedaboutwork]

I've been in my current job for 5 months. It's the first full time job I've had after almost 3 years of not working due to severe depression/anxiety. I started off with a small part time job a few hours a week for a couple of months before I applied for this role. I work 35+ hours a week in an admin role. I thought I was ready, however turns out I'm not sure I am.
I am a wreck. I can't wind down at home, I can't concentrate at work. I'm nervous, on edge all the time, crying in the toilets at work and crying when I'm getting ready for work. I'm on anti-depressants and have been for 4 years ish. I have some physical health conditions too that aren't as disruptive as my MH issues. I disclosed all of this during the application process and have discussed how I'm feeling recently with my manager.
I'm on and off the toilet at work, feeling sick, and I think it's nerves. I feel hopeless, like I'm no good at anything and I'll never be well enough for a "normal" life where I go to work. I wanted so badly to be good at this job and be a success, but I'm letting myself and everyone else down.
I have a probation review meeting in a few minutes and I'm going to discuss how I feel with my manager. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused and scared. Coming to work fills me with dread which is a shame because rationally I know the job is fine. It's me that's wrong.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I just needed somewhere to write how I was feeling. I'm going to say ask my manager if I can have a few days off, get myself to the doctors and try and get to the bottom of this.
I'm so frightened. I don't know what of in particular, I'm shaky and I feel like everyone is going to be angry at me.

Hi OP didn't want your post to go unanswered . Sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment and it's understandable that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed - starting full time work in a new job after a few years out is really hard in the best of circumstances let alone for someone who has had MH issues to deal with. I hope the conversation with your manager went well and s/he was sympathetic. For what it's worth (I'm no expert), it seems like exactly the right thing to take a few days away, and to go to your GP for some help. We'd absolutely not expect someone to struggle on with really serious physical issues that were affecting them to that extent, we'd say go and seek medical help, get better, prioritise your health etc., so why would it be different with mental health? Hopefully it's just a blip, your GP can help and you will be back feeling better soon, but if not then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Take one day at a time for now and try and look after yourself. All the best...

@maxelly Thank you so much for replying. It means a lot that you took the time to read and reply. I didn't get to speak to my manager, they have re-booked the meeting as they were too busy. Unfortunately this is a regular occurence so I feel a bit lost at work as I'm not sure where to turn. I pluck up the courage to speak about it but then don't get chance which makes it harder. I'm going to take a few days and get a GP appointment and see how I go, once I take back some control and get myself on the right path and have my medication sorted I'm hoping I will be okay. I'm just trying not to rush myself or put too much pressure on myself as I feel I have been doing and it's not helped

Hi, I sympathise as I'm in a similar situation to you with anxiety issues and also physical health issues. I find I can only work part-time, I know myself and I know that if I worked full-time, that along with running the home/sorting kids, etc then it would be too much for me. We could really do with the money that me working full-time would bring, and my hubby is not really happy with me only working part-time, but I know I have to put my health first. Would it be possible for you to just work part-time?

Hi Op, many years ago l suffered a bout of severe anxiety, after 3 failed pregnancies and a stay in hospital. this is what helped me.

Practical changes,
mornings were horrible so l immediately, did 10 minutes of Yoga breathing,( google it) in bed, to control the racing thoughts,then getting ready can you listen to a mindfullness podcast? or a positive thinking meditation? I used a yoga TV program, as l found it relaxing. Really focus on it to stop thinking negatively.

On the way to work repeat positive messages to yourself relentlessly,( in your head if on public transport) ie 'l will stay calm and have a productive morning'
sounds silly but again it focusses you on the message and stops the mad thoughts taking over.
On arrival at work, sit down take 3 deep breaths and say in your head, l am going to do these three things in the next hour, write them down if necessary, and put a line thru when done.
Once done get up for a drink of water, and mentally tell yourself well done. Sit down and repeat for the next hour, and so on, practice the discipline of one hour at a time, don't think past that.
Remember to praise yourself for each small step achieved.
Plan healthy meals whether you want to eat or not, as erratic blood sugar does not help your mood to be stable.
Going home was tough for me so l used to immediately get on the floor in front of the tv, and follow a slow yoga session, it requires enough mental effort to not allow your brain to go off at a tangent, but is both physically and mentally relaxing.(and you don't have to be fit !) If you cannot get into yoga, is there some other form of exercise you love that you can do regularly?

Mentally what was the ultimate turning point for me was the realisation that a) no one else can get me feeling better, l have to work daily on my thoughts to turn them around.
b) l am not on this earth to take on the world, sometimes just getting quietly through the day is enough ( l used to be the person who took full responsibility for everyone and everything, hence l crashed)
c) learning that l have limits and respecting them (now if l am tired l take a nap without guilt)

Lastly (sorry for the epic post)

Remind yourself,
you will not die from anxiety however bad you feel
thoughts can be changed
you are good enough,

Would it be possible to switch to part time hours? Just wondering if that might be a better option for you long term

Dragon that's really good advice. I had an awfully anxious time a few years ago and it was quite crippling.

I pretty much got through it by doing exactly as dragon did, plus regular meditation. Learning to soothing your body and mind is such a great life skill. Anxiety really is horrible,

If your manager isn’t available find another one or someone you feel able to open up to, you don’t have to do this alone.

Take a couple of days off, see your gp and take each day as you can.

Hi all,

Sorry for not responding sooner. I am truly grateful for all of your replies, I just took some time away from the internet which I think has helped too. Thank you so much.

I'm off work for another week with a sick note and then I'm going to go back. I've been to see the GP and discussed counselling and I'm back on anti depressants. I'm hoping that over the coming weeks I will see an improvement. It's been nice to have some time to relax and recharge my batteries and do some things that I enjoy (reading, a bit of writing, seeing family etc) that I don't normally get the time to do. Also not having to worry about "saving face" at work if I'm having a bad day has been good.

Work have been ok about it luckily so that's taken some of the pressure off.

Great update, really pleased for you.

Are you able to apply for flexibility and work 4 days a week?

Something that could help would be if you could find someone willing to buddy with you, who can be supportive if you need to talk through a work problem and just need a friendly person who can empathise if you have a moment of anxiety, or if you're having a bad morning.

It could be a 'reasonable adjustment' and of course it will rely upon someone who's willing to give you that support, but if you could find someone who fits that description you could find it's a game-changer. Just knowing help is at hand, could be what you need to stabilise your emotions while you get used to the role and build your confidence.